The Golden Years

It's kind of crazy that I've now been a stay at home mom (again) for a year now and I've literally never had a moment to blog. How does that even happen? "What do moms do all day at home?" (eyes rollin so hard)

Truthfully, I'm sure I did have moments where I could have found the time. I probably used that time to be lazy and catch up on Netflix binging or wasted time on my phone. AH WELLZ to that, but here I am now. And while I may not have been writing about it, my headspace for the past few months has been all about this topic; The Golden Years.

We (as in me and family) are in this amazing spot right now. We are finally past that stage of raising babies, although we still call them babies, our kids are now grown actual people who are (nearly) out of diapers walking and talking being their own selves demanding less of our time/energy. Yet at the same time, they aren't fully grown either. They haven't (totally) begun that stage of being sassy, smart mouthed know it all adolescents yet either. They still need us to prepare their meals, drive them to activities and actively want to spend time with us. I like to see it as though we have this small window where life is still busy as it always is, but it's easy too. Everyone is still eager and excited for family road trips, the kids are old enough to have their own sibling jokes, but not too old yet where they prefer their own time over family time. It's probably a tiny window of 5-7 years while we have this to make all the memories we can. So, how can I not call this the golden years?

For everyone who's still a step behind me rest assured this day will come for you too. I know you're living in survival mode right now, I was there for a (VERY) long time too. I too felt like it was never going to end and my sleep hating children had doomed my life forever. That look I see now on the faces of moms who have infants and toddlers is still too fresh from my own experience. (And we still get the occasional tantrum/meltdown to keep our feet on the ground too, don't wanna get too carried away there.) But I'm now in that stage where I can also recognize the glimmer in the eyes of moms who wish their kids in college would check in more often. I'm beginning to understand what it could feel like to no longer be needed as much as I have been for so long. And it's crazy, because all while you're in it you want it to pass quickly but once it's gone you wish it back. That's just how life works.

I see it now in my 4 and 7 year old's words. 'When I'm 10 then I'll be tall enough so I can...."  or "When I'm a teenager (its ALL about the teens right now apparently) I'm not going to have to do..." A lot of us grow up waiting anxiously to experience all that there is to see and do in life. I spoke about this to my husband and at first he didn't get it. He thought I was being depressive, but what I'm getting at is being mindfully in this moment.

All my life from childhood til marriage, then having children there was always something to look forward to. I've always been someone slightly dealing with anxiety because I couldn't stop focusing on the future. How would it all pan out, what could go wrong what could go right. But for the first time I'm at a plateau, I guess you can call it. I've done and seen everything on my life list. (MAJOR alhumdulillah to that.) The career, marriage, kids, vacations it's all ticked off (of course iA we will have more vacations because who ever says we're done to that?! But my bucket list ones are done.). All moments leading up to this was what made today possible. Maybe all my perfectionism helped make me check off everything sooner than others have. Who knows? What I do realize is that now I need to sit and bask in its glory, because it really truly is glorious this life. This life we've been given its here and happening now. For the first time I am actually NOT looking forward to the future. I know there's lots of exciting things still on that horizon too, like the milestones and achievements of my children; their colleges/marriages/careers. I'm not discounting any of that, but it's as though age has made me wiser.

I know now that the upcoming turn of life for me will also mean seeing my parents age and one day leave us too. That's not a stage I look forward to, at all. I do wish I had learned sooner to live in the present, to be content with whatever stage I'm at now. I don't regret how I lived, but I do think I would've been happier living in the present rather than the future. Even without things checked off on my list, life was still always amazing. We forget that when we're so forward focused.  I would've held those tiny babies longer, I would've been more carefree in college. I could have been more present in the conversations and relationships I had rather than unfocused and detached. Still, I do remind myself not to get depressive reflecting on the past, but I say all this to hopefully spark something in you my reader. This past year has been so great, and only so because I changed my focus. I prioritized the now. I made that shift that said I will be mindfully present here right now and nowhere else. It changes everything. Your relationships, your experiences. I hope reading this makes you reflect on whatever stage of life you're in right now and reminds you to be as present as you possibly can be.

Don't let your mind fly off into what else you should be doing or where else you need to be going. Life may be crazy, but life will always be crazy. It will always be awesome too. The chaos of today will be tomorrow's memories.  The things you're so hopelessly praying for today WILL be a reality and you won't even realize how easily that happen. Be as you are and be it confidently, happily and gratefully. Now you might ask HOW to do this shift? That'll have to wait for another post. Because I have to go live the NOW. 

A week in NYC!

Back in the middle of April we took a very spontaneous and amazing trip to NYC all thanks to a work project suddenly assigned to my husband. Everything really worked out great! I was in my 2nd trimester so my energy level hadn't quite taken a nose dive yet, so Ali and I took advantage of this opportunity and joined him. We spent an entire week like tourists discovering the city I had lived near for SO many years but never took the chance to explore. Wajih left after his work ended, but Ali and I hung around at my mom's place for an extra week and got some much needed time with Nana, Nani and Unga (what Ali calls my little sister, a word he created all his own).

Weather wise mid April was nice to be out and about in the city. We wore jackets or layered on light sweaters and even had two days of beautiful 75 degrees and sunshine; perfect for a day at Central Park!

I had created a basic list of things I wanted to do with Ali so I had sort of a game plan for our trip while keeping in mind alternate options in case it rained. I also Googled reviews for some of the best parks and playgrounds for kids.

Places we went or hoped to go
Dylan's Candy Bar
FAO Schwarz
Times Square: Toys R Us, M&M's and Hershey's store
Central park: sailboats, Umpire rocks, playgrounds, hike in North Woods (12pm free tour Tuesday), zoo ($19 for both)
Metropolitan Museum of Art (Alice's Teacup nearby for lunch)
Thursday- pay as you wish at Children's Museum of Art 4-6pm
Washington Square Park - Greenwich (PB&J company nearby for lunch)
Pier 25 playground - Tribeca (whole foods nearby for lunch)
Brooklyn waterfront park pier 6 (dumbo park)
Hippo park - upper west side

Now I'll let the pictures do the talking about how great our trip was:

A beautiful shot of Tampa Bay as we took off, surprising my parents when we showed up at their door!

Oh Wawa how I miss thee!
 Closest one to us in FL is 20 mins away :(

So happy to be back home with my Jersey Girls, little impromptu family BBQ to enjoy the sunshine!

First night my parents joined us and we did the Times Sqr thing

Obligatory Time Sqr picture

Next morning outside Rockefeller Center

St Patrick's Cathedral

Easter display outside Rockefeller Center

playing with sailboats in Central Park

my favorite painting at the Met

So I'm officially obsessed with tea and scones.
A trip to NYC is no longer complete without Alice's Teacup!

Ali learned how to take pictures that day.
this one actually came out artsy!

I have never before had scones that tasted this good.
Every single one was just divine!

View from our room at the Hilton on 52nd St

This kid was in Toy Store heaven.

 

The next day was rainy so we did another toy store
We both loooved FAO Schwarz, you can easily spend hours here!

Dinner at an Italian restaurant near the theater district.
Really wasn't as good as it looked.

Molcajete Taqueria in Greenwich. Delishh!

I did not find riding the subway to be kid or stroller friendly! 

Gotta love NYC street art!

the most heavenly creme brulee I ever did eat!

Hubs took me out to a fancy dinner at Aquagrill in SoHo

Mango Mousse!

Selfie with subway! #totallydangerous

View outside the Waldorf 

This chandelier was in the women's bathroom!

I'm realizing I have a selfie problem

We totally sneaked around the hotel to check out the snazzy ballrooms

while my poor husband worked late, I sent him pictures like this

Second trip to Alice's, this time with my bestie Aisha!

We get off the subway and before I know it
 Ali runs into Mickey's arms like he's a long lost relative! #Disneykid

Beautiful displays all over Dylan's Candy Bar

 

Cookie Monstah milkshake!

Oh how I wish those giant swedish fish were real

Central Park playground fun

Ali makes a friend!

Our last day there I finally dragged the hubby to Alice's for yet another lunch of tea and scones!

Even though I've been to NYC many times in the past, I had never spent an entire week there walking around the towering buildings or navigating my way through the subway. Honestly, I loved every bit of it, there's just something so magnetic about this city it fills you with hope and potential just being around all that energy. My husband is not a city guy, he loves the country life but there's a part of me that has always wanted to experience city life. I was so thankful to have the opportunity to do that now. I was happy to find that there is so much you can do with young children too! Can't wait for Hubs to have another work assignment so we can do it all over again ;)

Discipline

Due to a  perk of SAHMhood, I have began watching a Pakistani talk show, which on a particular day had a well-known guest, Ali Azmat from the band Junoon. I've grown up listening to his music, but honestly I was never a fan because I always found him to be too much of a "typical rockstar"; rebellious and nonconformist. But his interview that day was interesting to me and it stood out, because he began talking about parenthood.

He spoke on how becoming a father has really influenced and changed him. He has had this image for years of being the tough guy affected by his fame and fortune, but here he was talking enthusiastically about making ponytails in his daughter's hair and spending the day with his little angel. He wants to spoil her, but simultaneously also teach her the value of things, making her a consciously aware citizen of the world. This isn't something very new, I think we have all seen how having kids can transform people. Or maybe it's just something that comes with age and maturity; a sense of awareness and appreciation. He went on to talk about his own parents and how as a typical guy, especially a Pakistani one, growing up his mom was always smothering him with love and food, which he never appreciated it until he went abroad to live on his own. As he grew up, he gained tons of fame and fortune but came back home to them and took care of his parents until they passed away. I know it's another cliché example, but clichés always hold some truth to them. It was nice to see this side of him.

All the while I couldn't help but think about my own son. Right now he's three and he doesn't really appreciate much of anything I do. In fact, every moment of our day together makes me fully aware that I'm dealing with an egocentric stage of childhood. But watching this interview made me reflect for a minute, maybe one day he will?

Because we spend so much time together, literally all day everyday from 8 am  till bedtime at 9 pm, I feel as if he takes me for granted, I think this happens to a lot of mothers. Our kids never get a chance to miss us since they're always with us! Especially now in this new stage of child rearing,  for parents its where we struggle to find the balance between love and disciple. I find this stage to be pure exhaustion. So much energy, an ever growing vocabulary that never seems to take a pause, armed with constant 'I want'.

Many days end with me wondering if I'm indulging him too much by planning activities like story time at Barnes and Noble or play dates. Often times we walk out of an hour or more of playing with him kicking/screaming for more and I'm the mean mom who ruins all the fun. And when I'm not worrying about spoiling him I worry that I'm disciplining too hard, which concerns me will encourage more rebellion. But I can't help be that mom:

-who won't buy every toy/candy he lays his hand on just to stop the nagging (oh how tempting it is to stop the nagging!!!).
- who won't let him watch 17 straight hours of YouTube toy review videos and forces playing with puzzles or letter tracing which he is too impatient to sit still for.
-who won't allow him to say bad words such as his current obsession 'S-T-U-P-I-D'.
- who insists we have to stop for a pee break and then we must wash hands afterwards. (yes diapers are a million times easier than potty training and I've even had moments where I wondered why underwear is useful at all.)
-who scolds him for saying 'I want' and demands instead to hear 'can I please..?'
-who says and follows through with the threat that  'we will leave here immediately if you don't stop crying/whining/running/shouting loudly'

So much for asking to be appreciated, I'm too busy being overwhelmed with how to just deal with him and his demands while leaving minimal damage on his adult personality. I know, I know 'he's just a kid and all kids do this'. My husband's comforting words of 'it's a phase, we all went through it he will be fine.' does reassure this worrier momma a bit. But the scary part comes when I see the reality of some people who don't grow out of it. And usually it always goes back to their childhood, well meaning mothers who gave into their demands creating manipulative selfish monsters. "It's always the mother's fault."

Truthfully no mother performs the acts that they do for the sake of appreciation. We would (and usually DO) still do them even if you children never said a single thank you. Making your favorite meals, searching for the beloved Lightning McQueen car under the sofa, bending/kneeling at 6 months pregnant to scrub the tub after bath time finger-painting, we do them because that is simply a part of being a mother. Because our own happiness truly becomes so intertwined with that of our child's that it becomes hard to discern the difference. But lately, with my extreme concern about discipline I've been laying down rules hard on Ali and sometimes I feel guilty that he may end up hating me and all the constant rule enforcing.

Despite all my strict mom behavior, something pretty amazing happened the other day. We were at the park like always, and another little girl began playing with him. They did their introductions and then he ran over to me, "This is my mom. She's my best friend!"  he beamed.

I don't think he really knows the meaning of that word yet, and he definitely doesn't know what  it meant to me. The little girl's mother and I both had a serious 'Aww' moment. It made all the tough days worth it. Today he doesn't know what it means, but one day he will. Here's to hoping my free spirited child still introduces me the same way when he does! 

Finding the right balance

With a 3 year old son who's newly graduated from toddlerhood to potty trained preschooler (he's still at home for now), I've found us in a situation most parents can relate to. How to discipline your child. In my struggle, a topic has been on my mind a lot lately. The balance between love and fear. I searched quite a bit about the relationship of love and fear. Many hold the view that love and fear cannot coexist together, that love is a part of our higher self while fear is from our lower self which prevents us from reaching further.

It's a pretty basic concept and it does make sense to a degree. Our fears usually are what transcend into hatred/prejudice and often they hold us back from doing things we may have aspired to achieve. Love, on the other hand is seen as the good guy, the one that allows us to be open minded, to take risks, and to move beyond all the struggle. As a parent, I do want to teach my son love; kind generous love, unconditional love, all sorts of love. But at the same time, I'm not totally bought over about making fear into a bad guy.

Afterall, in the Quran the image of a Fearful God is presented just as much as a Loving God. It's weird though, isn't it? How can we fear someone we love? I think that's the tricky part. Finding the right balance. If we did not have fear, we would commit actions with reckless abandon. A part of human nature needs to have inhibitions in order to maintain some sort of order. Fear gives us structure, guidelines. I tell Ali the stove is extremely hot and not only should he be afraid of the injury it can cause, but also he will be severely punished if he does not obey my rules to stay away from it. I take his safety seriously, even if he is too young to understand that concept yet. It's the same with humans, religion (God, essentially) warns us of punishments for  our actions in order to protect our well being even if we may not always understand it. Too much of fear is what becomes the problem. If all we do is fear God without learning to love him then he becomes a tyrannical monster so controlling that it terrorizes our sense of self and leads people to shy away from religion. Similarly, parents who are too strict often have children who rebel from authority. If they don't rebel then they become so fearful of their actions that they aren't able to make strong, bold decisions on their own. Because, they're too focused on pleasing someone else all the time (someone else being their parents in most cases). Balance. That's what it all comes down to.

Even with love, we need a balance. Every parent does love his or her children unconditionally, nearly all our actions are motivated by our endless love for these tiny beings. Tiny beings who will one day become big beings, even if that day seems so far away. If we only teach them love then we're depriving them of skills they will desperately need to lead a successful life. Every parent wants to be the good guy, they want to be their child's best friend and to have a close bond. No one needs to be told how to love, it's pretty self explanatory. But the thing is, as a parent if I give into every whim and want of my child out of my love for him I'm enabling a self indulgent, egotistical person. Up until his toddler years, yes it makes sense to indulge in the needs/wants of a child because they are solely dependent on you to provide for them. But, once they reach the age of talking, walking and self expression their personality is forming the foundation of the adult they will one day become. I just don't agree with the notion that I should let him be independent, carefree and behave however he wishes to encourage his growth. Kids need to know that you are the parent and they are the child, this early understanding of roles is crucial. I'm not saying that children should not be given responsibilities or allowed to explore with their own self expression. But kids just like adults, need boundaries. The sooner we learn to accept boundaries the simpler life becomes. Myself included, we all struggle with self control. Self control is a trait which if mastered can make a person highly successful and satisfied in life. So why not try and feed our children little bites of self control instead of self indulgence?

For example, teaching him that he needs to be patient. Teaching this to a 3 year old is probably the hardest task ever. And it inevitably happens that your child will nag you about something most passionately when you are at the end of your rope. This is generally the moment where you are most likely to give in. But what does your child learn from that situation if you do? They learn how to manipulate people who love them to give into their demands. It seems so minor now when all the kid wants is a lollipop. But before you know it that same 3 year old turns into a 30 year old who never learned that life is not always going to go how they want it when they want it. Or it could be, if they keep using love as a way to manipulate others. And that is the biggest misuse of love I could ever imagine.

Check out this article by Times and the famous Marshmallow test to see research on Self Control.

Love and Fear, like day and night, yin and yang. We spend our lives trying to balance them. And perhaps, all those philosophers are probably right. Love is truly the higher self, the part of our being we hope to one day achieve. But we cannot make it up that staircase without a little fear, we must accept that part of our self too. To use it when it's necessary. 

2013 Recap

As the final days of 2013 approach I wanted to take a moment to recap just HOW much we did this year, it was packed with laughter tears and lots of love.

January- a month filled with lots of birthdays! This year Ali was old enough to enjoy them all!

Enjoying his friend Umer's first birthday party

Ayaan's adorable Choo Choo turning 2 party!

many faces of Ali in January

February: Lots went on this month

failed attempt at toilet training, at least he looks cute

Ali's first time playing in snow

My Stud of a date

I got super cheesy with Valentine plans this year, read about it here

 it up with his buddies, we call them Rugrats!

Wajih and Ali's first trip to Philly! Saw Constitution hall and the Liberty Bell. Finished off with authentic cheesesteaks

We took a trip of a lifetime to Istanbul, Turkey read about it

March: Enjoying the drastic weather changes of living in the northeast, snow one day, sunshine and 65F another

Still March but weather finally warms up

Celebrated my parent's 35th anniversary, details here

April: Ali and I did an impromptu photo shoot with matching attire, he will grow up and think I'm SO weird for this


May: Got this amazing 21st birthday cake for my baby sister, she'll always be the chubby wubby cutie in the family


June: Family time while Wajih headed out to Tampa

 Celebrated father's day with my dad and dada

Ali's toddler class graduation

visited Sesame Place with Ali's cousins, he loved it so much he still asks to go back

Wajih came back to NJ to visit and we went to our favorite brunch spot, Rat's

July: Wrapping up summer and time with family

watched local fireworks, Ali's first time so up close

my baby sister making my birthday super special

Surprise birthday party just for me!

Forced my family in the heat of July to Central park

being silly with my kiddies

Ali making summer memories

wrapped up our life

Ali did not want to say goodbye to his first home

the very first place Wajih and I called home

one last look at my office, where I started my career as an intern in college

my amazing friends threw me a farewell party

Ali spent some time with his great grandfather, who knows how many more chances we have to capture those moments.

my final goodbye to Nani

At a memorial for Nani my entire family got together, another goodbye

Last shot of all us cousins before I headed out of town

August - I adjusted to life in a new place 

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September - Set up a new home, had adventures with Ali and made a mini trip to Miami and Key Largo 

October: Tried to find Autumn in Florida's heat, read more about it here

 November: A very busy month jam packed with activities

Ali's Nana Abu came to visit us in Tampa

Made a 16 hr road trip for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' place

All of Ali's cousins

Couldn't stay away from the food table

reunited with all his old daycare buddies, it was adorable seeing them all squeal with excitement!

 December - We spent most of the start of the month being sick with upper respiratory infections brought back from NJ's cold weather, finally when all the illness went away we got into the holiday festivities and took Ali to a Christmas light show at the mall, he loved it and we loved seeing fake snow in 70 degrees.

Now I'm headed back to the tundra again, I'll be visiting home for the next month so my blogging will be even more slacking than it has been lately. 2013 was an emotional year to say the least. I said many goodbyes, but I also made some new discoveries about friendships, family, me, about my strength and about my capacity to love. Right now, in this very moment I would not change a single aspect of my life, I love every part of it to bits. I couldn't be more thankful for what I have and the memories I've been given over the past year.

I didn't speak much of it earlier as my grandmother had passed away literally the day before our anniversary, but this year was my husband and my 5th wedding anniversary. That's a big one. We spent a good chunk of the year apart, more than we ever had before. We also embarked on a big change together. All around me I've seen many people face tough moments regarding marriage or lack thereof this year and sometimes after you've been married so long you begin to get comfortable and stop appreciating what you've got. I got married fairly young, lots of other girls at the time even dubbed my type of girls 'the ones who settled' because we gave into the typical Pakistani mentality of marrying young and to whom our parents wanted. I honestly didn't love my husband when I married him, I hardly knew him. So I can't truly say if I "settled". The only thing I knew about him was that no one else I would meet would ever love my parents and family so sincerely. No one else could be a better fit for my own self. And five years later I can now wholeheartedly say I was absolutely right. Every day he pushes me to be a better but at the same time he loves me deeply for who I am so spending my life with someone like that, if it was settling, is the best decision I ever made.