Finding the right balance

With a 3 year old son who's newly graduated from toddlerhood to potty trained preschooler (he's still at home for now), I've found us in a situation most parents can relate to. How to discipline your child. In my struggle, a topic has been on my mind a lot lately. The balance between love and fear. I searched quite a bit about the relationship of love and fear. Many hold the view that love and fear cannot coexist together, that love is a part of our higher self while fear is from our lower self which prevents us from reaching further.

It's a pretty basic concept and it does make sense to a degree. Our fears usually are what transcend into hatred/prejudice and often they hold us back from doing things we may have aspired to achieve. Love, on the other hand is seen as the good guy, the one that allows us to be open minded, to take risks, and to move beyond all the struggle. As a parent, I do want to teach my son love; kind generous love, unconditional love, all sorts of love. But at the same time, I'm not totally bought over about making fear into a bad guy.

Afterall, in the Quran the image of a Fearful God is presented just as much as a Loving God. It's weird though, isn't it? How can we fear someone we love? I think that's the tricky part. Finding the right balance. If we did not have fear, we would commit actions with reckless abandon. A part of human nature needs to have inhibitions in order to maintain some sort of order. Fear gives us structure, guidelines. I tell Ali the stove is extremely hot and not only should he be afraid of the injury it can cause, but also he will be severely punished if he does not obey my rules to stay away from it. I take his safety seriously, even if he is too young to understand that concept yet. It's the same with humans, religion (God, essentially) warns us of punishments for  our actions in order to protect our well being even if we may not always understand it. Too much of fear is what becomes the problem. If all we do is fear God without learning to love him then he becomes a tyrannical monster so controlling that it terrorizes our sense of self and leads people to shy away from religion. Similarly, parents who are too strict often have children who rebel from authority. If they don't rebel then they become so fearful of their actions that they aren't able to make strong, bold decisions on their own. Because, they're too focused on pleasing someone else all the time (someone else being their parents in most cases). Balance. That's what it all comes down to.

Even with love, we need a balance. Every parent does love his or her children unconditionally, nearly all our actions are motivated by our endless love for these tiny beings. Tiny beings who will one day become big beings, even if that day seems so far away. If we only teach them love then we're depriving them of skills they will desperately need to lead a successful life. Every parent wants to be the good guy, they want to be their child's best friend and to have a close bond. No one needs to be told how to love, it's pretty self explanatory. But the thing is, as a parent if I give into every whim and want of my child out of my love for him I'm enabling a self indulgent, egotistical person. Up until his toddler years, yes it makes sense to indulge in the needs/wants of a child because they are solely dependent on you to provide for them. But, once they reach the age of talking, walking and self expression their personality is forming the foundation of the adult they will one day become. I just don't agree with the notion that I should let him be independent, carefree and behave however he wishes to encourage his growth. Kids need to know that you are the parent and they are the child, this early understanding of roles is crucial. I'm not saying that children should not be given responsibilities or allowed to explore with their own self expression. But kids just like adults, need boundaries. The sooner we learn to accept boundaries the simpler life becomes. Myself included, we all struggle with self control. Self control is a trait which if mastered can make a person highly successful and satisfied in life. So why not try and feed our children little bites of self control instead of self indulgence?

For example, teaching him that he needs to be patient. Teaching this to a 3 year old is probably the hardest task ever. And it inevitably happens that your child will nag you about something most passionately when you are at the end of your rope. This is generally the moment where you are most likely to give in. But what does your child learn from that situation if you do? They learn how to manipulate people who love them to give into their demands. It seems so minor now when all the kid wants is a lollipop. But before you know it that same 3 year old turns into a 30 year old who never learned that life is not always going to go how they want it when they want it. Or it could be, if they keep using love as a way to manipulate others. And that is the biggest misuse of love I could ever imagine.

Check out this article by Times and the famous Marshmallow test to see research on Self Control.

Love and Fear, like day and night, yin and yang. We spend our lives trying to balance them. And perhaps, all those philosophers are probably right. Love is truly the higher self, the part of our being we hope to one day achieve. But we cannot make it up that staircase without a little fear, we must accept that part of our self too. To use it when it's necessary. 

A new chapter

But what do you do, if that last chapter is unforgettable? 

Earlier this summer I was given the chance to reflect on myself as a child. I found one thing that's been with me always is a strong love for writing. This love stems from a part of me I call The Storyteller. 

The girl who has tons to say because she loves to share experiences with others. Sharing stories helps us relate to one another, to realize that we're all really fighting the same battles, despite different faces and different experiences, inwardly our souls are all the same.

We all have a pretty tough time with change, and an even tougher time tackling closure. I've had to do both this summer. 

In my last week in NJ my Nani (mom's mom) passed away. It wasn't a total surprise, but she was healthy just a few weeks/month earlier so it did hit us hard. Why it really hit us all was, because Nani's always been such a central part of our family. Nothing brought her more joy than all her kids and grand kids all in one place, happy together.

My husband shared some simple yet wonderful words with my sisters and me to make us realize how so much is passed on from generation to generation.

'Nana and Nani were the glue that bonded your wonderful khandaan (extended family) together and now you have their memories with which to uphold that bond. Mom is a true embodiment of what Nani has passed down, her nature, her joyous personality and her 'Spartan Warrior' attitude. All of you sisters have a piece of her in you so treasure that and hope to pass on some of that to the next generation.' 

I see it now. One major part of my Nani's personality that anyone can tell you is she made friends effortlessly everywhere she went, never hesitating to help someone even if it was to share tips/stories and fun chatter. Thats just how my mom is, and I suppose thats where my storyteller/extrovert side comes from too.

Thinking of all this, another trait of my mom's that I've inherited is our emotional strength.  A general image of women always shows that we cry easily, that we weakly succumb to our emotions. Not my mom and I. We focus all our energy on what needs to get done and find every means possible to avoid confrontation with how deeply our emotions affect us. I don't like crying publicly, it doesn't mean I'm not scared sad or anxious, I just don't find it productive to spend time crying about something I can't change. Some of my most productive hours are when I'm feeling upset, in fact this entire summer was more productive than many past years have been! 

So the days now when I miss home, mom, Nani, sisters, friends and everything that's familiar to me, I remind myself of the tools my past has given me; a positive upbeat spirit that keeps on keeping on. 

I know I'll make new friends in due time, Nani wouldn't have it any other way. And I know when nostalgia is striking hard I'll find loads of laundry and dirty dishes that need to be tended to. 

The 19 hr drive down from NJ to FL had many moments where I was quiet in my glum thoughts of an amazing past chapter. Most people leave their hometown when they first start college or get married, yet here Iam doing it 5 years into marriage and 2.5 into motherhood. But a part of me was still not ready to let go. Then, we stopped somewhere in Georgia and I got my first real taste of southern sweet tea, it came with some free advice I couldn't help but think my Nani was sharing with me:

"Sabr" pronounced like "summer" but with a B.

Arabic/Urdu for 'Patience'.

“Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to trust the end result of a process. What does patience mean? It means to look at the thorn and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be shortsighted as to not able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never runs out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full.” - 40 Rules of Love, Elif Shafaq

I find myself constantly reminding my two-year-old to wait,  "sabr". He's always asking me for things, usually 'needing' them immediately. And sometimes I just can't give them to him, because for one reason or another it's not available right away. I'm trying so hard to teach him that he can't always have things how he wants them when he wants them, but I just learned a real life lesson on it myself.

I had a bit of a health scare and all I could do was wait it out. I was in a lot of pain, going through different tests and all I could do was wait for those results to come in and tell me that everything was normal, yet the hardest thing for me was the physical pain (which was pretty bad!) but the agony of waiting.

Sometimes when we're being told to wait it feels as if we're being punished for doing something wrong. We don't understand what it is we did to deserve this and why we are having to suffer a punishment. The reality is that we're not being scolded or disciplined. We are simply being taught a lesson that we really need to learn and that is, in my case, to be patient.

I was taught (yet again) that you MUST have faith above all. Have faith that things are meant for a reason and they will occur as they are destined. As much as you stress, fret, and agonize nothing will change the outcome. So, learn to do your best and then leave it up to fate.

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Funny thing is it feels like a century since my husband has been gone, but in reality it's only been two months and this month sure has felt extremely long.

 Remember that chronic worrier girl I talked about earlier? She had been back big time. I was getting impatient and ungrateful. I was focused on everything being so negative. How upset I was about all the change to come in my life and how lonely I felt without my husband. I worried that I had so much to get done and yet felt nothing was progressing. I was totally not appreciating having my family nearby to make things easier. This experience taught me how much I seriously MUST value all the loving people I have in my life. Additionally, I learned that I have an extremely difficult time asking for help. I also learned that I don’t always consciously know when I’m stressed out, but stress and my body have a terrible relationship.

It wasn't even the part of being a full-time working mother to an energetic toddler trying handling all the single-parent duties. Nor was it about trying to sell all our furniture and items or researching apartments in our new town OR contacting movers and setting up meetings to get an estimate.

It was truly just the suffering of being impatient and allowing myself to become frustrated at everything not  progressing as I wanted it to that affected my health. It is pretty amazing how when we are not strong internally our body reflects it externally, leaving us no choice but to slow down and focus on what is most important.

Before all that happened, I remember thinking how spiritually distant I felt and I actually had a moment where I thought to myself ‘God I promise I’m going to fix this when I have time; once I’m done w this crazy period in life I’ll make more effort to get back that spiritual mojo, but right now I just can’t focus on it. I've got too much going on’. WELL, God had some other plans. 

I was reminded to have faith that God is on your side. He sometimes tests you and pushes you to your limit and inevitably that happens when you think you least need it. Truth is, it happens because you need it pretty bad.  I was forced to stay home, to rest, and to ask for help. During those horrible days of waiting for test results where I couldn't tell my family, because I didn't want to worry them unnecessarily I reconnected with an old friend who helped me in so many ways she will never know. We were both going through some difficult moments and the irony of how we were brought together at a time when we could support of each other was amazing. We both encouraged each other to have faith. 

Life will never be void of it's troubles, everyone has their own. You cannot wait for the perfect moment to find time for your soul. Especially as you grow older, more and more responsibilities demand your attention, grabbing you away. Find even small bits to feed your soul each day; to be thankful, to be aware of His immensity and know that you run on His time. He does not run on yours. Acknowledge that you and your troubles are only a small portion of the immensity.

via Tumblr

I forgot to mention that Ramadan started a midst all this change. With everything going on Ali hasn't been his usual self either. Since iftar time is so late, he's going to bed later than his usual bedtime and he's also missing his father a lot; all of which leads to him being clingy, cranky and putting up a fight about pretty much everything. Again, it isn't always easy. I'm learning easy just isn't in the books for me right now. And that is okay, but when I do encounter moments of 'easy' I am quick to say a silent thank you. We've wrapped up our apartment and our last few weeks in NJ are being spent at my parents. I am really enjoying being home with my family, plus Ali loves the constant attention from his Nani Nana and Khala. And while I sometimes can't help worry that they're spoiling him rotten (lol they really are!), the way I see it he's building some of the best memories of his childhood right now. Memories he will grow up and cherish, possibly when the people in those memories may be very far away. :( So I've been tired, lacking food, sleep and energy. But the best part of all this struggle during Ramadan is that the one thing I'm not lacking is spirit.

 I Eat Pork During Ramadan Light T-Shirt (Google Affiliate Ad)
Ramadan Mubarak Rectangle Magnet (Google Affiliate Ad) 

Words and Boundaries

Things we already know sometimes when realized in a moment of clarity can be so shocking. You may know many things, but  you may not realize them all.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back. You can try and wish them undone, but still your mouth cannot take them back in in nor can they be unheard from your ears. Some words are much better left unsaid and only felt. Other times, words are the only thing lacking and with them everything is complete.

After Wajih left, whenever we spoke to him on the phone I had Ali say " I love you, I miss you!" and being my little perfect parrot he would repeat those words methodically, not really grasping the meaning. A few days later, we attended a family BBQ where Ali got to spend time with his cousins. The kids were in the pool to cool off on an insanely hot day and  per usual, the Dads were in charge to supervise them. Upon seeing everyone with their Daddies, I saw the wheels turn in Ali's adorable 2 year old brain as he turned to me with that look of sadness and concern in his eyes asking "Where's MY Baba? Ammi, where's Ali's Baba?" Ugh. broke my heart. 'Baba is coming back soon baby.' And inshallah he is. (He will be with us for 4th of July weekend and we are beyond excited!) Up until that moment Ali hadn't actually voiced how he missed his father, how he sensed the lack of his presence. Of course it was obvious to me as I  could see the change in his behavior. He knew something was missing from his life, but being a toddler who is still learning his way around words and how to express his emotions he never actually talked about how the lack of his father made him feel. In that moment, I felt his emotions. It was how in his limited toddler capacity, my child was expressing what it is to miss someone you love.

I'm trying hard to teach him how to use words to voice his feelings because it's important to learn how to cope with life experiences the right way. Many people never talk about how they feel because it makes them uncomfortable to break that barrier. It's the mentality of
'if I don't talk about it, it won't be real'. I see many people struggling with their life situations using this method, because while it may help you get by it won't help you get beyond. There's a difference in getting by and getting beyond. Once you do talk about it you are forced to cope with that reality, to accept it and move on. Without ever expression of feelings, you still cope but not always the best way possible, such as with tantrums or displacing the feelings into frustration/anger/depression. I'm still working as best I can to show my young child that its okay to be sad or to miss someone but it's not okay to display that feeling with rage or outside the boundaries of social etiquette.

On a different note, words were recently spoken, ones I wish weren't said. Because now I cannot be unknown to them anymore. I had thought it true all along in my head; but words, they turned that thought to reality. Before they were spoken there was a boundary that now penetrated, changed many things. Overall, it actually changed nothing because the words reflected events occurred in the past, and that past cannot be undone. So these words do nothing but create discomfort now. I'm realizing more with age that while expression is important, not necessarily every emotion or every thought we have need be expressed. If the lack of words is creating misunderstanding then of course they are crucial to bring clarity. Or in Ali's case, if used as a means to express feelings that will be solidified if spoken, then I agree they are necessary. Words spoken or written carry very real power. I am learning the importance of how to handle that power so it is used to strengthen, not weaken.

For someone like me, the hardest is to know when not to use them. It's pretty much a fact that I over speak/write,  and I often worry if this extra chatter leads others to not take me seriously. I wonder if the over speak causes some important words to be left unheard. I'm trying to scale back, it isn't easy for a Chatty Cathy like me. But I do realize we need to know when to allow gestures and actions to display what need not be spoken. Mastering that skill is one I may take my entire life doing. Mostly, I hope to be wise enough to teach Ali this important lesson. Use your words, use them tactfully. many times, the right words can make a world of difference. But many other times, its what you do not say that means everything.