From the desk of a Chronic Pessimist

About 10 years ago my grandfather wrote an Urdu book called 'Fikharein Choro Jeena Seekho' it was a translation of Dale Carnegie's best seller 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living'. I was very young when he wrote it but I remember we had numerous women who would call or send letters from Pakistan seeking Dada’s advice on an unending list of things they worried about. In my opinion, Dada wasn’t a self-help guru, but he hit the nail on the head with this book. Just the title is enough to show that it’s probably the best advice anyone will give you about life. Sadly, I never even attempted to read the book myself! Lately though a lot of things going on have had me thinking about this concept. This "worry wart pessimistic" attitude which seems to be more prevalent in us women was blaring in my face everywhere I went. Especially after watching Kashaf’s behavior (female protagonist of the current Pakistani TV show I’m hooked on, Zindagi Gulzar Hai) I couldn’t stand it anymore, I had to dish out some advice to the current generation, just like my Dada once did.


Girls, can we please admit to this ‘flaw’ of ours and work on fixing it?! Please?

We worry beyond belief! This issue of stressing about every possible scenario that might play out in our lives literally drives us to the brink of insanity. I know we really can’t help it, its innate. But you know what? We give men a lot of grief about being lazy and irresponsible, so maybe we should take our own advice and fix our quirks when they become a problem. Perfect example: Kashaf is a manic worrier, this girl couldn’t recognize happiness if it punched her in the eye, because she’s perpetually afraid of what can go wrong next. She is doubtful of anyone who is nice to her and of any possible hope of good times in life. Watching her I thought, wow who can be THAT negative? But it took a few seconds to realize I do this ALL the time! Last week, I read in the news about a young mom dying in her apartment and her four year old son walked around alone for days surviving only on a bag of sugar. Suddenly, I’m crying. AT WORK. Because the little boy’s story was so sad I started worrying about what if I die and no one finds out. I imagined Ali locked in with my corpse, eating nothing but fistfuls of Nutella. SERIOUSLY? Get it together girl. Yes bad things happen. Yes they do happen to good people. But GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TOO. We cannot not allow fear of these ‘what ifs’ to consume us.

We need to take off the green lens and actively seek the good in our lives. It may be exams and 8 page papers in college life or endless hours at work or a baby who doesn’t sleep at night that cause us to worry and become Negative Nancys. But the truth is WE allow it, life experiences may be triggers but we are the ones who choose to pull it and shoot out that bullet.

While Kashaf on ZGH is an extreme example of it, we all have this inner pessimist that we sometimes let get the best of us and it only wreaks havoc when we do. Think about at least two things you obsessed/worried about in the past week, month or year that turned out “not so bad” after all. Yes it wasn’t entirely how you expected but it wasn’t as terrible as you worried it would be. And maybe, possibly, some of your worrying negatively affected the outcome, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. By stressing too much we actually cause the things we fear to come true. When I first got married I had this constant dream of my husband dying! Once I woke up bawling from a dream that he went out jogging, was got hit by a car and my parents are telling me he’s dead. It took me a long time to figure this out, but I realized it was my fear of a good thing. I had never loved someone so much and was majorly afraid of losing the best thing to ever happen to me. I had to come to terms with the fact that this amazing occurrence in my life was actually here, and  I wasn’t allowing myself to love him wholeheartedly for fear of losing him.

I’m trying SO hard to fix this worrier side of me, and it may be working. Like last month when we spontaneously decided to do a trip to Turkey planned in 2 days I did not panic. I just got to work on what needed to be done. And even if we dashed to the passport office a few hours before our flight, it all worked out. IT ALL WORKED OUT. As women we are planners and organizers with a big part of our nature is to be a perfectionist, wanting every detail to be flawless. In doing so, we begin equating planning with stressing. If we aren’t stressed we don’t care enough. This attitude has got to change. I care very much about everything in my life and a huge part of me does want to panic at times, but I am making a constant conscious effort to remind myself that freaking out will not help. Worrying won’t make it perfect and ‘perfect’ will only happen when I accept that there will be flaws.


Learn to let things go when they go wrong. Work your absolute hardest and when you find yourself freaking out, stop. Take a moment to breath and tell yourself:

Have hope. Know that this too will be over eventually, so while it’s happening you must enjoy the best of it and let go of the worst of it.

So now with all that being said, can someone please shake Kashaf ‘Churail’ Murtazas’s shoulders, slap her across the face and say "GIRLFRIEND YOUR HUSBAND IS HOT AND HE LOVES YOU, STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG AND FREAKING HUG HIM ALREADY!"
 
Images via Tumblr 



How to Stop Worrying and Start Living by Carnegie, Dale/ MacMillan, An (Google Affiliate Ad) 

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101 Questions for Muslim couples to ask before marriage

This is a excellent questionnaire for all Muslim couples looking to find out more about one another before taking the big leap. It covers pretty much all the bases: children, finances, hobbies, health, goals, past relationships, and religious beliefs.

My husband and I filled it out part jokingly when we first met 6 years ago, but it was a nice exercise to see the other person’s reaction to questions. Even if he jokes about most of the awkward questions, it is interesting to see what he has to say and how he says it; like if he takes things lightheartedly or if he’s dead serious about topics.

We were both pleased to find that our views on a lot of major important issues aligned pretty well. And the funny thing is, the few things he mentioned on here that I didn't like about him, 6 years later I still don’t! (Honey, if you are reading this then you know I love you not in spite of those things, but because of it all!!!) 
Who knew this questionnaire would actually share so much about our personalities, I never would have guessed! Although plenty of these answers you can gauge from conversation (or Facebook stalking), there are still things which don’t always come up so it’s nice to get them out in the open. I mean, how are you casually supposed to ask a guy if he’s into polygamy or if he’s down with getting checked to see that he hasn't spent his college days spreading around STDs.

Of course this isn't something you would send out to every guy you meet without seeming a bit ‘hypercritical’, but it’s a helpful tool to gain insight on someone you’re seriously considering as a prospect for marriage. Try nonchalantly mentioning it to someone you’ve  been talking to for a few weeks/months, and get an idea from the conversation it sparks. Who knows maybe like us 6 years later, you'll be laughing about the things you wrote down, it makes for a great item to add to your wedding keepsake that's for sure!

I know this has many religious questions that apply to Muslims only, but contact me if you’re interested and I’ll send you the Word file so you can add/revise questions to suit you!

A useful prelude would be ‘I saw the most interesting thing on Pinterest today……’

(my husband can tell you that’s pretty much how I start all conversations he loves hearing. Right, babe?!)

 

 Double click on the images to enlarge.

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Talk to me

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

—

Carl Jung

For work, I was recently invited to attend a 2 day seminar on communication. They coached us on various communication styles and how to deal with others who may have a different approach than ourselves. One particular activity I found interesting and useful was when they had us fill out a survey about how we react in certain situations (both stressful and not) and based on results of that we were grouped into 4 different categories. The four categories were: Feeler, Thinker, Sensor and Intuitive. And while everyone uses all four of these functions, we tend to prefer some more than others.

Those who are predominantly Feelers communicate mostly about (duh) their feelings. They talk about their lives, family, experiences openly and go about situations mostly based on emotions. Feelers make decisions based on subjective views, what they think is right in an individual case. Thinkers are logical, well organized, they like structure and stick to morals/principles. Therefore, Thinkers tend to be objective in their judgments and believe that rules should be applied across the board.

Sensors are those who are very "in the moment", leading them to like immediate results in all decisions or actions. They can be seen by others as rash in decision making, but they are simply enjoying the experience whether it be jumping out of a plane or trying out new foods. Intuitive types see the bigger picture, they aren't ones to get caught up in the detail. They are more philosophical, able to come up with new ideas, theories and views. You could say most inventors, theorist, visionaries would fall under the Intuitive bucket.

The funniest part was seeing that a room full of accountants/auditors came back with results showing not a single one of us were Feelers! I guess it goes to prove the stereotype that accountants are 'boring' holds true! (Haha) Majority of the room was Thinkers (myself included). But we did have a few Sensors and Intuitives as well. The rest of the discussion was how to deal with others who may not be the same as yourself. If you are a Thinker, you will never get your point across to a Intuitive if you stick to the plain vanilla, using organized charts and slides method, instead try talking about the broad overall impact of the issue and be prepared to answer questions that are out of the box. Similarly, if you're trying to do a sales pitch with a Sensor, Feelers can't expect it to be a productive meeting if they spend the first hour talking about their weekend and family vacations and expect to carry the entire discussion just talking out the facts. Sensors would want a quick 30-60 minute meeting on the essentials with visual representation (slides or print outs).

I think you get the point, but what I took back from this activity was to start thinking more about what kind of person I'm dealing with and adapt my communication style accordingly. Just because I am a Thinker doesn't mean the other person is also. Just because I like things to be in a neat organized pile according to size and color does not mean that my spouse/child/coworker/friend will do the same and expecting them to do so is setting them up for failure. Respecting their views, even if they differ, is important, and once you acknowledge how your views differ from theirs, learning how to communicate in a manner which is productive and healthy can lead to a successful interaction. Statistically, women tend to be Feelers and men tend to be Thinkers but this gender divide isn't always true. And, sometimes nonconforming individuals can face opposition. We've all heard (or thought) that men too in tune with their feelings are wimps or effeminate, while women who are Thinkers are aggressive and 'control freaks'.  I agree that labeling people a certain way isn't fair, but understanding their nature and working with that instead of just judging them can actually help you to relate to one another.

What I took away from this exercise was the ability to be able to connect with other people in a way that I was not doing before. There are plenty of people in my life who I click with immediately, we are on the same level in our thoughts, likes, dislikes and lifestyles so getting along well is natural to us. But, there are those relationships in my life where my approach varies greatly from others and we may not always see eye to eye. I can think of examples in the workplace, in immediate family and in close friends too. So, I can't just up and leave this situation, because I am either forced to interact with these people in a work environment or I am tied to by family. These relationships are valuable to me, and I may have been going about them all wrong. I think what I've done in many occasions in the past is simply ignore our issues. I am logical, cautious and sometimes too stringent in my ways to see others views, so for me to understand how people think/act on emotions rather than rational reasoning is hard. I'm not saying they are wrong. Emotions are very important too, it's just not who I am, so for me its hard. I think in the past I have made it come off as them being "wrong" and that strained our relationship, but then I've slipped our problems under a rug rather than deal with them so we go on about our ways holding differences in our hearts about each other all because we are not accommodating the other person and their unique nature. This training course led me to realize the relationships I have in my life are important to me, and maybe if I approach them in a different manner I can make the other person see my view also, but first I need to bend to see their view. Bending or realizing your differences doesn't make anyone better than the other, it only leads to the path of understanding.

Look at it this way, you can't see the world from your own eyes all the time, sometimes you have to open them wide enough to see things from everyone's perspective too. A Thinker woman is not necessarily a bad thing. Such women in the workplace are highly successful, because most companies appreciate individuals with structure, discipline who provide timely results. Even within the home, things would be chaos if there isn't some form of routine to follow and someone to implement it. In the same way, a Feeler man is actually a wonderful thing no matter what society tells you! Imagine a man who actually expresses concern for your emotions, who sympathizes that you had a long day and rubs your feet! (I said imagine, not expect! haha). But overall, the point is we should start thinking from the point of view from another person, to try understanding each other and seeing how we can work with them rather than against them.

Here are a few links to see your personality type:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm
http://www.ColorQuiz.com/