The Golden Years

It's kind of crazy that I've now been a stay at home mom (again) for a year now and I've literally never had a moment to blog. How does that even happen? "What do moms do all day at home?" (eyes rollin so hard)

Truthfully, I'm sure I did have moments where I could have found the time. I probably used that time to be lazy and catch up on Netflix binging or wasted time on my phone. AH WELLZ to that, but here I am now. And while I may not have been writing about it, my headspace for the past few months has been all about this topic; The Golden Years.

We (as in me and family) are in this amazing spot right now. We are finally past that stage of raising babies, although we still call them babies, our kids are now grown actual people who are (nearly) out of diapers walking and talking being their own selves demanding less of our time/energy. Yet at the same time, they aren't fully grown either. They haven't (totally) begun that stage of being sassy, smart mouthed know it all adolescents yet either. They still need us to prepare their meals, drive them to activities and actively want to spend time with us. I like to see it as though we have this small window where life is still busy as it always is, but it's easy too. Everyone is still eager and excited for family road trips, the kids are old enough to have their own sibling jokes, but not too old yet where they prefer their own time over family time. It's probably a tiny window of 5-7 years while we have this to make all the memories we can. So, how can I not call this the golden years?

For everyone who's still a step behind me rest assured this day will come for you too. I know you're living in survival mode right now, I was there for a (VERY) long time too. I too felt like it was never going to end and my sleep hating children had doomed my life forever. That look I see now on the faces of moms who have infants and toddlers is still too fresh from my own experience. (And we still get the occasional tantrum/meltdown to keep our feet on the ground too, don't wanna get too carried away there.) But I'm now in that stage where I can also recognize the glimmer in the eyes of moms who wish their kids in college would check in more often. I'm beginning to understand what it could feel like to no longer be needed as much as I have been for so long. And it's crazy, because all while you're in it you want it to pass quickly but once it's gone you wish it back. That's just how life works.

I see it now in my 4 and 7 year old's words. 'When I'm 10 then I'll be tall enough so I can...."  or "When I'm a teenager (its ALL about the teens right now apparently) I'm not going to have to do..." A lot of us grow up waiting anxiously to experience all that there is to see and do in life. I spoke about this to my husband and at first he didn't get it. He thought I was being depressive, but what I'm getting at is being mindfully in this moment.

All my life from childhood til marriage, then having children there was always something to look forward to. I've always been someone slightly dealing with anxiety because I couldn't stop focusing on the future. How would it all pan out, what could go wrong what could go right. But for the first time I'm at a plateau, I guess you can call it. I've done and seen everything on my life list. (MAJOR alhumdulillah to that.) The career, marriage, kids, vacations it's all ticked off (of course iA we will have more vacations because who ever says we're done to that?! But my bucket list ones are done.). All moments leading up to this was what made today possible. Maybe all my perfectionism helped make me check off everything sooner than others have. Who knows? What I do realize is that now I need to sit and bask in its glory, because it really truly is glorious this life. This life we've been given its here and happening now. For the first time I am actually NOT looking forward to the future. I know there's lots of exciting things still on that horizon too, like the milestones and achievements of my children; their colleges/marriages/careers. I'm not discounting any of that, but it's as though age has made me wiser.

I know now that the upcoming turn of life for me will also mean seeing my parents age and one day leave us too. That's not a stage I look forward to, at all. I do wish I had learned sooner to live in the present, to be content with whatever stage I'm at now. I don't regret how I lived, but I do think I would've been happier living in the present rather than the future. Even without things checked off on my list, life was still always amazing. We forget that when we're so forward focused.  I would've held those tiny babies longer, I would've been more carefree in college. I could have been more present in the conversations and relationships I had rather than unfocused and detached. Still, I do remind myself not to get depressive reflecting on the past, but I say all this to hopefully spark something in you my reader. This past year has been so great, and only so because I changed my focus. I prioritized the now. I made that shift that said I will be mindfully present here right now and nowhere else. It changes everything. Your relationships, your experiences. I hope reading this makes you reflect on whatever stage of life you're in right now and reminds you to be as present as you possibly can be.

Don't let your mind fly off into what else you should be doing or where else you need to be going. Life may be crazy, but life will always be crazy. It will always be awesome too. The chaos of today will be tomorrow's memories.  The things you're so hopelessly praying for today WILL be a reality and you won't even realize how easily that happen. Be as you are and be it confidently, happily and gratefully. Now you might ask HOW to do this shift? That'll have to wait for another post. Because I have to go live the NOW. 

Ehsan

The below definition is taken from Wikipedia (which I know is not always accurate, but in this case I can say I read through it and can agree it is).

Ihsan (Arabic: إحسان‎), also spelled ehsan, is an Arabic term meaning "perfection" or "excellence" (Ara. husn). It is a matter of taking one's inner faith (iman) and showing it in both deed and action, a sense of social responsibility borne from religious convictions.^[1] In Islam, ihsan is the Muslim responsibility to obtain perfection, or excellence, in worship, such that Muslims try to worship God (Arabic Allah) as if they see Him, and although they cannot see Him (due to the belief that Allah is not made of matter), they undoubtedly believe that He is constantly watching over them. That definition comes from the Hadith of Gabriel in which Muhammad states, "[Ihsan is] to worship God as though you see Him, and if you cannot see Him, then indeed He sees you". (Al-Bukhari and Al-Muslim).^[2]

At a recent gathering I attended this word was mentioned and it really stuck with me. Something along the lines of 'God wants us to constantly strive to be perfect. All of his creation is perfect. Man he created perfect also, but we err and make mistakes so we must continuously work to return back to perfection. That's what He wants from us.' I really love this ideology. Probably because I'm a major perfectionist myself. But it just makes sense! As parents, don't we want our kids to be perfect? We know and accept that they won't always be. In fact we are well aware they will make mistakes and we will love them regardless. Their mistakes will never change the immensity of our love, no matter how badly your child wrongs you if he sincerely turns to you and asks for forgiveness you know you will grant it. So while we know they will inevitably do wrong, don't we strongly believe they're capable of doing better and wish to see them doing that? No parent thinks their child is just mediocre or tells them to be average. Yes, we do say its okay if you don't always succeed, but try try again right? We push them to work past tasks that they struggle with because more than themselves we have faith that they can do it.

Now, anything can be taken in a negative light, even perfection. If you become too harsh with enforcing perfection it can be overbearing. But I find that encouragement is key. This week I enrolled Ali into a summer camp program which has a heavy focus on literacy. He's only 3.5 and the rest of the children in his class are already 4 or older plus many have been attending the school all year long while Ali was home so I knew they had an edge over him. It's cute seeing my shorty among all the other kids, he may be small but he's got a ton of personality. I was aware he might struggle in some areas but in others he would be fine (verbal skills, this kid can talk your ear off!) but if I didn't push him towards excelling higher then we would never know what he's capable of. Week One was a great success. Not only did he cry because he didn't want to leave school (please let this continue forever), he's already recognizing sight words 'see' and 'the' and letter tracing has also been less of a struggle. I'm so proud of you Ali, I know you aren't perfect. Some people may tell me I'm biased as your mama but to me you always will be. This week, like always, to see that when I push you to achieve higher you always surpass my expectations fills my heart with so much joy that words cannot describe!

Ali, as you grow older you will realize quickly that your Ammi will constantly push you to be better, to be excellent. I will not stop telling you to think about your actions and words before you execute them. I will repetitively remind you to think of others, to share your things (toys and time being just a few of them) selflessly and to reflect on where you did something wrong and how it can be done better. I will appreciate you and cheer you on when you do succeed. I will also hug and console you when you don't. But I will not stop encouraging you to do everything you do with Ehsan. Be it reading and writing today, but over time you'll see you will want to do it in every aspect of your life.

We speak a lot about good vs bad in our house, you are well aware of Prophet Muhammad and often ask about how he dealt with people who were not nice. How he used prayers, 'talking to Allah' to be a good boy and to win over the bad guys. In life, there are lots of 'bad guys', I hope I can arm you with the right tools to overcome them. One aspect I want you to focus on is prayer. Perform your prayer with Ehsan. This is something that perpetually throughout life you will have to work towards, everyone struggles with it. Everyone has some basic staple prayers we say as we rush to complete our daily 5 prayers among the other million tasks we have to do in the day. 'Please keep my family safe and healthy. Forgive us for our mistakes and help guide us on the right path away from harm and evil." Sometimes we say them so mechanically we lose the essence of what we're saying. Try, try and try again to not let your prayers become mechanical, focus on each word you are saying and truly mean it. I realize now as an adult, God is well aware that we will lose the essence when we're doing this 5 times a day, we may even stop doing the obligatory five times because we let life's demands (or laziness) get in the way. He will love us and be merciful regardless of it. But it's our job to keep striving for Ehsan, nothing will bring Him more joy than to see that.

**Alert: this may get long**
Before I end, I want to take something off my chest that really irks me. I hope one day Ali, that it irks you too. Because if it does that means I did something right in my life. There is this word 'bidah' I kind of like hate it and I know I encourage you not to hate anything but in this case it gets really hard. Bidah means innovation/change, and there's this whole group who says you shouldn't do anything that may be a change from what the Prophet did himself. (there's good change and bad change, but for fear of deviating from the right path people want to avoid bidah overall. Yeah its complicated and there's a lot more to it, but that's it in a nutshell) While I understand their fear of our posterity veering off away from the fundamentals of our religion if we add in all these supplementals I feel they're driving a lot of us crazy with all their 'bidah police-ing'. And in fact, this 'bidah' calling has stopped a lot of people from going further in their devotion, it's like no one wants to get extra credit anymore.

For instance, today is the 15th of Shaban (Islamic month, also called 'Shab e Baraat') and my family for as long as I can remember has a tradition where we stay up late and do supplementary prayers on this night. We ask for forgiveness for our year of sins and for guidance for the year to come. My mom would make special food and after dinner we performed our individual prayers or read Quran but we sat together as a family in one room. It's a wonderful experience and there are only a handful of nights in the entire year where we did this. Our parents let us know that this was a supplemental special night and while it was not a requirement if we did this it would make Allah happy to see us doing more than what is required of us. Now I just can't for the life of me see why this 'innovation' is wrong! Why would God ever not want us to go above and beyond the basic requirements? What is so wrong with supplemental; in school doing extra credit assignments was always a good thing! I'm not going to argue whether the Prophet did or didn't do it or if there is evidence in the Quran regarding it. I'm just asking you to use logic to think about it deeper, instead of letting fear misconstrue your thoughts on it.

Ali, I will not be around forever and I know after I'm gone you will forget many things I've taught you or stop doing them the way I did. I will always tell you to look in your heart and ask yourself if what you are doing is something that would please Allah. Whether it's honoring Prophet Muhammad's birthday or certain days of the year like 15th Shaban and 10th of Ashura by staying up all night to do extra prayers or cooking up a special meal that day or holding a Quran khani (event where sections of Quran are read in a group setting often done at funerals or auspicious occasions). Yes, this is all supplemental, not required and I will always encourage you to perfect obligatory practices before you focus on the extra credit, but my point is that I don't want you to discount the extra as not being worth attempting at all. I hope I have taught you well enough so you are capable to know better. In fact, if I had to choose I would rather you do this than anything else this world is full of that keeps you away from praying. Prayer is just a form to remember Allah, to truly love Him as He should be. So perfect your prayers, do them with ehsan and soon you will find that your heart will seek all ways to stay in constant remembrance of Him.

(Yes, that last bit is the Rumi loving, Sufi soul side of your mama!)

Discipline

Due to a  perk of SAHMhood, I have began watching a Pakistani talk show, which on a particular day had a well-known guest, Ali Azmat from the band Junoon. I've grown up listening to his music, but honestly I was never a fan because I always found him to be too much of a "typical rockstar"; rebellious and nonconformist. But his interview that day was interesting to me and it stood out, because he began talking about parenthood.

He spoke on how becoming a father has really influenced and changed him. He has had this image for years of being the tough guy affected by his fame and fortune, but here he was talking enthusiastically about making ponytails in his daughter's hair and spending the day with his little angel. He wants to spoil her, but simultaneously also teach her the value of things, making her a consciously aware citizen of the world. This isn't something very new, I think we have all seen how having kids can transform people. Or maybe it's just something that comes with age and maturity; a sense of awareness and appreciation. He went on to talk about his own parents and how as a typical guy, especially a Pakistani one, growing up his mom was always smothering him with love and food, which he never appreciated it until he went abroad to live on his own. As he grew up, he gained tons of fame and fortune but came back home to them and took care of his parents until they passed away. I know it's another cliché example, but clichés always hold some truth to them. It was nice to see this side of him.

All the while I couldn't help but think about my own son. Right now he's three and he doesn't really appreciate much of anything I do. In fact, every moment of our day together makes me fully aware that I'm dealing with an egocentric stage of childhood. But watching this interview made me reflect for a minute, maybe one day he will?

Because we spend so much time together, literally all day everyday from 8 am  till bedtime at 9 pm, I feel as if he takes me for granted, I think this happens to a lot of mothers. Our kids never get a chance to miss us since they're always with us! Especially now in this new stage of child rearing,  for parents its where we struggle to find the balance between love and disciple. I find this stage to be pure exhaustion. So much energy, an ever growing vocabulary that never seems to take a pause, armed with constant 'I want'.

Many days end with me wondering if I'm indulging him too much by planning activities like story time at Barnes and Noble or play dates. Often times we walk out of an hour or more of playing with him kicking/screaming for more and I'm the mean mom who ruins all the fun. And when I'm not worrying about spoiling him I worry that I'm disciplining too hard, which concerns me will encourage more rebellion. But I can't help be that mom:

-who won't buy every toy/candy he lays his hand on just to stop the nagging (oh how tempting it is to stop the nagging!!!).
- who won't let him watch 17 straight hours of YouTube toy review videos and forces playing with puzzles or letter tracing which he is too impatient to sit still for.
-who won't allow him to say bad words such as his current obsession 'S-T-U-P-I-D'.
- who insists we have to stop for a pee break and then we must wash hands afterwards. (yes diapers are a million times easier than potty training and I've even had moments where I wondered why underwear is useful at all.)
-who scolds him for saying 'I want' and demands instead to hear 'can I please..?'
-who says and follows through with the threat that  'we will leave here immediately if you don't stop crying/whining/running/shouting loudly'

So much for asking to be appreciated, I'm too busy being overwhelmed with how to just deal with him and his demands while leaving minimal damage on his adult personality. I know, I know 'he's just a kid and all kids do this'. My husband's comforting words of 'it's a phase, we all went through it he will be fine.' does reassure this worrier momma a bit. But the scary part comes when I see the reality of some people who don't grow out of it. And usually it always goes back to their childhood, well meaning mothers who gave into their demands creating manipulative selfish monsters. "It's always the mother's fault."

Truthfully no mother performs the acts that they do for the sake of appreciation. We would (and usually DO) still do them even if you children never said a single thank you. Making your favorite meals, searching for the beloved Lightning McQueen car under the sofa, bending/kneeling at 6 months pregnant to scrub the tub after bath time finger-painting, we do them because that is simply a part of being a mother. Because our own happiness truly becomes so intertwined with that of our child's that it becomes hard to discern the difference. But lately, with my extreme concern about discipline I've been laying down rules hard on Ali and sometimes I feel guilty that he may end up hating me and all the constant rule enforcing.

Despite all my strict mom behavior, something pretty amazing happened the other day. We were at the park like always, and another little girl began playing with him. They did their introductions and then he ran over to me, "This is my mom. She's my best friend!"  he beamed.

I don't think he really knows the meaning of that word yet, and he definitely doesn't know what  it meant to me. The little girl's mother and I both had a serious 'Aww' moment. It made all the tough days worth it. Today he doesn't know what it means, but one day he will. Here's to hoping my free spirited child still introduces me the same way when he does! 

Finding the right balance

With a 3 year old son who's newly graduated from toddlerhood to potty trained preschooler (he's still at home for now), I've found us in a situation most parents can relate to. How to discipline your child. In my struggle, a topic has been on my mind a lot lately. The balance between love and fear. I searched quite a bit about the relationship of love and fear. Many hold the view that love and fear cannot coexist together, that love is a part of our higher self while fear is from our lower self which prevents us from reaching further.

It's a pretty basic concept and it does make sense to a degree. Our fears usually are what transcend into hatred/prejudice and often they hold us back from doing things we may have aspired to achieve. Love, on the other hand is seen as the good guy, the one that allows us to be open minded, to take risks, and to move beyond all the struggle. As a parent, I do want to teach my son love; kind generous love, unconditional love, all sorts of love. But at the same time, I'm not totally bought over about making fear into a bad guy.

Afterall, in the Quran the image of a Fearful God is presented just as much as a Loving God. It's weird though, isn't it? How can we fear someone we love? I think that's the tricky part. Finding the right balance. If we did not have fear, we would commit actions with reckless abandon. A part of human nature needs to have inhibitions in order to maintain some sort of order. Fear gives us structure, guidelines. I tell Ali the stove is extremely hot and not only should he be afraid of the injury it can cause, but also he will be severely punished if he does not obey my rules to stay away from it. I take his safety seriously, even if he is too young to understand that concept yet. It's the same with humans, religion (God, essentially) warns us of punishments for  our actions in order to protect our well being even if we may not always understand it. Too much of fear is what becomes the problem. If all we do is fear God without learning to love him then he becomes a tyrannical monster so controlling that it terrorizes our sense of self and leads people to shy away from religion. Similarly, parents who are too strict often have children who rebel from authority. If they don't rebel then they become so fearful of their actions that they aren't able to make strong, bold decisions on their own. Because, they're too focused on pleasing someone else all the time (someone else being their parents in most cases). Balance. That's what it all comes down to.

Even with love, we need a balance. Every parent does love his or her children unconditionally, nearly all our actions are motivated by our endless love for these tiny beings. Tiny beings who will one day become big beings, even if that day seems so far away. If we only teach them love then we're depriving them of skills they will desperately need to lead a successful life. Every parent wants to be the good guy, they want to be their child's best friend and to have a close bond. No one needs to be told how to love, it's pretty self explanatory. But the thing is, as a parent if I give into every whim and want of my child out of my love for him I'm enabling a self indulgent, egotistical person. Up until his toddler years, yes it makes sense to indulge in the needs/wants of a child because they are solely dependent on you to provide for them. But, once they reach the age of talking, walking and self expression their personality is forming the foundation of the adult they will one day become. I just don't agree with the notion that I should let him be independent, carefree and behave however he wishes to encourage his growth. Kids need to know that you are the parent and they are the child, this early understanding of roles is crucial. I'm not saying that children should not be given responsibilities or allowed to explore with their own self expression. But kids just like adults, need boundaries. The sooner we learn to accept boundaries the simpler life becomes. Myself included, we all struggle with self control. Self control is a trait which if mastered can make a person highly successful and satisfied in life. So why not try and feed our children little bites of self control instead of self indulgence?

For example, teaching him that he needs to be patient. Teaching this to a 3 year old is probably the hardest task ever. And it inevitably happens that your child will nag you about something most passionately when you are at the end of your rope. This is generally the moment where you are most likely to give in. But what does your child learn from that situation if you do? They learn how to manipulate people who love them to give into their demands. It seems so minor now when all the kid wants is a lollipop. But before you know it that same 3 year old turns into a 30 year old who never learned that life is not always going to go how they want it when they want it. Or it could be, if they keep using love as a way to manipulate others. And that is the biggest misuse of love I could ever imagine.

Check out this article by Times and the famous Marshmallow test to see research on Self Control.

Love and Fear, like day and night, yin and yang. We spend our lives trying to balance them. And perhaps, all those philosophers are probably right. Love is truly the higher self, the part of our being we hope to one day achieve. But we cannot make it up that staircase without a little fear, we must accept that part of our self too. To use it when it's necessary. 

Life lately through my IPhone

I know I've been MIA lately. I had all time these elaborate plans of how I'd constructively spend my time once I was a SAHM. I had thoughts of meal plans, cleaning charts, fitness routines, extreme organizing and finally focus on budget focused themed decorating (DIY projects). But mostly I end up staying in my PJs til 5pm while Ali watches way too much TV. I'm stuck in a bad rut of missing home, of missing life that was so familiar to me. Not sure why I didn't think this would happen to me. I know so many girls who go through this when they move out far away from home, but I was so sure it wasn't going to be me.  Everyone kept reminding me how proactive I am and how I would have so much fun being home utilizing my time so much better than I did before. Never say never huh. What bothers me most is how I love writing and reading, and I want to get back to it so badly but I'm just stuck in a rut. So while I'm here and still figuring my way back to being a normal non-useless human being, this is what life looks like: 

Finally got around to organizing my jewelry armoire. 

I realize I love the idea of accessorizing more than I actually do it.

First time using markers and play dough with the toddler, mostly a success since he makes me do all the work and it keeps him distracted away from TV time for a good hour. 

Weekly trips to B&N for story time always end in us spending an extra hour there doing this. I don't mind, glad my boy loves to build! 

Took a trip out to Downtown Disney. I love this picture of Ali terrified of the Dinosaur, he's like RUN BABA RUN!

Free admission day at the children's museum. Semi fail- museum was over crowded and outside it rained A LOT. but luckily in Tampa the rain lasts maybe 15 minutes so afterwards we hung out near the spray park outside. Ali loved it!

Beautiful mural at the museum gift shop

Silliness

afternoon tea has become a must cuz Ammi's energy level runs pretty low chasin' crazy little man all day

This picture would've been epic had that kid on the right not barged into it. My Green monster was so into that pose!

More excited than most little girls  to get a shot with it. Sigh, that castle never ceases to take my breath away. Even in a souvenir shop

Attempting to potty training Ali, guess who I found on the seat last week?

Whipped up a super easy super quick beef enchilada dinner using chapati roti not tortillas (improvise!) using this recipe

My crazy kid yelling "I Like to Move it Move it" riding the whale. So strange. So much like his Ammi.

Fearless monkey

Obsessed (is putting it mildly) with Thomas the Engine

"Look I'm Oscar!" (from Sesame street)

Ali's toys join us every week for Story time 

Trip to Lowry Zoo in Tampa

First time seeing a manatee

Found Baba sleeping on the sofa and thought he'd join in. (this was not posed, he actually did this)

So while I miss home immensely life here isn't so bad. Me and the little man get some wonderful moments together I know I'll cherish dearly. I'm trying hard to pull out the creative Sania that I know is hiding deep inside, she's just being the stubborn one that she is and letting Lazy Whiny 'Why cant we go back to Jersey already' Sania have her moment. 

In this moment, I have it all.

Meet Florida's most adorable gator

I'm sitting at a cafe/kids' jungle gym as I write.

It goes without saying this is pretty much what I always imagined "stay at home mom life" to be.

Today: I prepared breakfast and cleaned while Ali watched Word World. Then after lunch there was every mother's savior: Nap time, where I cooked dinner as well as had a much needed phone call with the bestie about potty training and preschool. Post nap we headed to the library for an afternoon of story time and arts/crafts. And because I know my child has insane energy to burn, I found out about Family Night at an indoor jungle gym, Monkey Bizznizz. $5 to play from 5 pm til close.

We've been here two hours and I don't see any signs of Ali's energy running out. This place is great and what a fantastic idea! Parents get to have coffee/snacks and stare at their phone without whining in the background. Meanwhile, kids tumble, slide, jump, climb and do everything but stare at a screen for hours. Best $5 ever spent! 

Earlier this week a friend posted an article on Facebook about the concept of 'having it all' and how society has brainwashed women into thinking that we must have it all while also warping our definition of what it means. It got me thinking about the fact that I left a pretty promising career to be doing this. No pay, managing finances to live/save off one income, not to mention diaper duty (soon to be potty training duty, which Ali seems more ready for than I am!), booboo kissing, cheering him on to climb higher or celebrating his little victories.

Some days its really exhausting and everyday is harder than a day at a 'real job'. Yesterday I found Spider-Man stickers on the bum of my sweatpants (who knows how many ppl I met or stores I went to where no one thought to tell me!) and today I had to smudge finger-paint off my new KS purse (thank god for washable paint). Both those instances made me smile. It meant my son was exploring and growing; and most importantly I was there to be a part of it. I know people without kids don't get it, they and sometimes even we parents see children as a hindrance from 'living it up' or 'having it all'. But, I still remember not too long ago (1.5 months to be exact) sitting behind a desk staring at my kid's pictures on my phone as I ate lunch feeling depressed about missing out on his childhood. I had many things then, but I felt I didn't 'have it all'.  

I'm not knocking down working moms, I was one for 2.5 years. I have tremendous respect for women who continue to succeed with a career and duties of motherhood. And I know there are days you feel like everything is balancing just right and days where nothing is. I made a decision to leave work and spend time with my toddler, because I realized that for me, doing both simultaneously did not make me happy. And right now, that's a decision I'm SO glad I made. Tomorrow my thoughts may change or maybe I won't have the opportunity and choice not to work, so today I'm swimming in SAHM's blissful pool. This is what I define as a job I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I truly love the feeling that I'm not missing a single moment of watching him grow up; tantrums,tears and all.

So now for your viewing pleasure, the memories we made this week:

Favorite exhibit at Glazer's Childrens Museum

Cutest cashier Publix ever saw!

Sliding down the big boy jungle gym

Weekly Wednesday morning balloon and face painting at the mall

Tough guy coming through!

Words and Boundaries

Things we already know sometimes when realized in a moment of clarity can be so shocking. You may know many things, but  you may not realize them all.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back. You can try and wish them undone, but still your mouth cannot take them back in in nor can they be unheard from your ears. Some words are much better left unsaid and only felt. Other times, words are the only thing lacking and with them everything is complete.

After Wajih left, whenever we spoke to him on the phone I had Ali say " I love you, I miss you!" and being my little perfect parrot he would repeat those words methodically, not really grasping the meaning. A few days later, we attended a family BBQ where Ali got to spend time with his cousins. The kids were in the pool to cool off on an insanely hot day and  per usual, the Dads were in charge to supervise them. Upon seeing everyone with their Daddies, I saw the wheels turn in Ali's adorable 2 year old brain as he turned to me with that look of sadness and concern in his eyes asking "Where's MY Baba? Ammi, where's Ali's Baba?" Ugh. broke my heart. 'Baba is coming back soon baby.' And inshallah he is. (He will be with us for 4th of July weekend and we are beyond excited!) Up until that moment Ali hadn't actually voiced how he missed his father, how he sensed the lack of his presence. Of course it was obvious to me as I  could see the change in his behavior. He knew something was missing from his life, but being a toddler who is still learning his way around words and how to express his emotions he never actually talked about how the lack of his father made him feel. In that moment, I felt his emotions. It was how in his limited toddler capacity, my child was expressing what it is to miss someone you love.

I'm trying hard to teach him how to use words to voice his feelings because it's important to learn how to cope with life experiences the right way. Many people never talk about how they feel because it makes them uncomfortable to break that barrier. It's the mentality of
'if I don't talk about it, it won't be real'. I see many people struggling with their life situations using this method, because while it may help you get by it won't help you get beyond. There's a difference in getting by and getting beyond. Once you do talk about it you are forced to cope with that reality, to accept it and move on. Without ever expression of feelings, you still cope but not always the best way possible, such as with tantrums or displacing the feelings into frustration/anger/depression. I'm still working as best I can to show my young child that its okay to be sad or to miss someone but it's not okay to display that feeling with rage or outside the boundaries of social etiquette.

On a different note, words were recently spoken, ones I wish weren't said. Because now I cannot be unknown to them anymore. I had thought it true all along in my head; but words, they turned that thought to reality. Before they were spoken there was a boundary that now penetrated, changed many things. Overall, it actually changed nothing because the words reflected events occurred in the past, and that past cannot be undone. So these words do nothing but create discomfort now. I'm realizing more with age that while expression is important, not necessarily every emotion or every thought we have need be expressed. If the lack of words is creating misunderstanding then of course they are crucial to bring clarity. Or in Ali's case, if used as a means to express feelings that will be solidified if spoken, then I agree they are necessary. Words spoken or written carry very real power. I am learning the importance of how to handle that power so it is used to strengthen, not weaken.

For someone like me, the hardest is to know when not to use them. It's pretty much a fact that I over speak/write,  and I often worry if this extra chatter leads others to not take me seriously. I wonder if the over speak causes some important words to be left unheard. I'm trying to scale back, it isn't easy for a Chatty Cathy like me. But I do realize we need to know when to allow gestures and actions to display what need not be spoken. Mastering that skill is one I may take my entire life doing. Mostly, I hope to be wise enough to teach Ali this important lesson. Use your words, use them tactfully. many times, the right words can make a world of difference. But many other times, its what you do not say that means everything.

Who am I?

I have been suggested by many friends that I should blog about how I juggle everything in life between working, parenting, hosting and so much more.

Thank you, kind friends, for acknowledging that life is tough and the roles we take on with age are tougher. I truly appreciate moments where you say things like ‘I don’t know how you do it, I come home from sitting at work all day and I’m too pooped from just that. How you have the energy to cook up all those things you post on Instagram?!’ 

As enthralling as hearing about my life might be, I think most of the stuff I go through is really no different from so many of my friends also experience. We all can relate to many of the same moments in life, so I’m really hoping you all nod and agree that you share likeness of me in any of the below situations (so I don’t feel like a complete moron). 

Here in no particular order is my attempt at laughing at life.

You know you’re an American born working Muslim-Pakistani mom/wife/daughter/sister when:

-       Your child’s teacher chuckles when you groan as she gives you the note Jilly’s mom for you. Because you both know it’s yet another birthday party invite. Another event where your kid comes home with too much sugar for his pint sized body to handle. Another event for which you have to go buy a gift and a card and a gift bag. No you aren’t lazy (much), and you probably should hoard these things in bulk like all those crafty moms do, but having a full time job means no time to remember those time saving moves. (You have no time to save time, the humor is not lost on you)

-       The moment when your mom gushed compliments over your goat biryani and the look of pride on her face is forever etched in your mind. Your mom doesn’t do false compliments, this is huge and it probably ranks up higher than getting your Masters/CPA as ‘Moments I’ll never forget’.

-       You fall asleep on the couch after 2 episodes of Game of Thrones, only to be awaken at 1:30am when your 2 yr old is crying in the bedroom. And you realize you forgot to pray Isha namaaz and really mean to do it now but fall back asleep after putting your child to bed. You totally promise God you won’t do it again, yet you have so many Isha prayers to make up even God ain’t falling for it anymore.

-       Some days your child eats nutella on toast for dinner. It’s better than food being forced in while you try to pry his mouth open. Mostly you manage to squeeze in somewhat of a healthy meal, but some days Nutella toast wins the battle.

-       You ponder over your chances at becoming a fashion blogging success. These hijab fashionistas seem to really have found their niche, too bad you don’t wear a scarf and probably wearing one just to blog about it isn’t such a great reason to start. And also, you will probably never pose regularly for pictures in pretty outfits, because even if you do somehow find the time your son will most likely also be pictured tugging at your pants in every pose.

-       You think a freshly cooked meal two times a week is pretty commendable and if you manage to find time in your weekend packed with birthdays/bridal showers/weddings/baby showers/couple’s get together/girl’s night to cook a meal ahead of time it’s definitely worth bragging about.

-       Either you or your husband (or both) are serious addicts to websites like slickdeals, and due to this your once fairly large apartment/home is now filled with tons of unnecessary merchandise.

-       You show up to work wearing one earring, because your child woke up crying before you got to the second one and due to Mommy brain you plum forgot you had just one in!

-       Your child watches Sim Sim Humara (Pakistani Sesame Street) so he can learn some culture and it warms your heart to hear him shout words like ‘Himmat’ and “Yakeeeeeen’ even though he probably has no idea what they mean yet.

-       When your 2 year old son says ‘bless you’ upon hearing you sneeze and you’re not sure to be happy that he’s learning manners at daycare or ashamed that you’re not doing a good enough job at home on emphasizing ‘Alhumdulillah’. Which then leads you to yet again fall into depression/guilt that he spends 10 hours at daycare and only 2 hours at home with you so of course he’ll learn ‘Bless you’ before he learns ‘Alhumdulillah’. And all of this just ends up in more chocolate being eaten. (this time by you)

-       Your sister and you promise each other that you won’t baby your 30+ year old son like your mother in law does your husband. Both of you swear to never end up this way unconsciously knowing you probably will.

-       You would be better off buying stock in your local gym instead of having a membership, because at least that way your monthly contributions would give you some form of long-term profit. I’m a proud member of WoW since Dec 2009, now don’t ask me how many times I’ve been in the past year. I tend to take 2-3 month long vacations from exercise. 

-       You fervently worked out to Youtube videos of Zumba routines the day you finally accepted you will not be going to the gym any time soon. That was the last time Youtube was used in your home for anything other than Sim Sim Humara or ABC Phonics.

-       Getting out of the car and into the house without toppling over is a mini feat, because you managed to carry: your child (who is usually trying to run free), purse, lunch bag, child’s school bag, numerous artworks/toys, and sometimes groceries all in your two tiny hands while climbed up 12 steps sometimes in snow, ice and rain whilst having to go pee so badly. Mini Feat indeed. (I suppose you could probably make two trips, but do you really trust your toddler alone in the house? Man that’s one good toddler, can we switch? Also, this saves time, you really just don’t want to go back out in the cold dammit)

-       You spend quite a bit of time on websites like Realtor.com waiting for the day your husband gets over his ‘I don’t want to pay interest’ phase so you can call a lovely ‘4 bedroom 2.5 bath’ home. You don’t want to pay interest either, but dreaming of being homeowners is so lovely. And you both know this phase is more about your husband’s excuse to be the cheap Desi he is at heart.

-       You are quite thrilled to have a ‘wellness room’ (real purpose is for breast pumping mothers to use) in the office so you can make wudu and pray namaz at work without your coworkers having to know or deal with that awkward moment in the bathroom when someone walks in to see you washing your hands til your elbows.

-       Seeing the only other Muslim coworker walk out of the wellness room around Maghrib time and realizing he was probably using it for the same reason as you (I sure hope he isn’t breast pumping in there!) makes you super proud that handsome single moderate Muslim boys do exist! You immediately start plotting schemes on how to introduce yourself and eventually get him to marry one of your single friends.

-       Even though you try not to be vain and judge people solely based on looks you follow Faryal Makhdoom on Instagram. Let’s be honest she’s a pretty girl of Pakistani descent and famous by association, that’s reason enough to follow her. She may end up having her own reality show one day and then you can say you liked her before the rest of the world did. Jay Sean style.

-       You’ve got the best Worst Mom Incident out of all your friends. It involves dinner with a couple you never met before, a baby bag forgotten at home, a wailing child stuck in a high chair with you then your husband struggling to get him out, numerous restaurant diners staring, and the story ends with your child going home wearing a receiving blanket wrapped like a sumo wrestler’s underwear. And the couple still wants to be your friend. Yay for Happy endings!

-       The advent of Pinterest has caused you and your husband to gain some serious weight in the past two years because you can’t stop pinning all these amazing recipes! 

-       Despite stockpiling spare Paci/Binky’s, you feel like you spend half your life searching for lost ones. God damn the day you decided to hook your child onto this creation.

-       Sometimes you look around at your living room/kitchen/bathroom/bedroom and secretly thank God that your mom can’t see what a slob you have turned into. You’ve contemplated a cleaning/cooking schedule (pinned some cute ideas on Pinterest too!) but only wonder how long people actually stick to those.

-       You see an adorable newborn/infant girl and make a mental note to keep her in mind as a future daughter in law one day. Yes it’s totally disturbing since your son is not even potty trained, but hey finding love is hard and you just want to help your little sweet pea out!

-       You have a whole slew of fasting days missed during your pregnancy that two years later you still are making up. And sadly your reasoning for not doing make ups during December (when the days were shortest and the fasts were easiest) was that the office had too much free food and holiday parties you didn’t want to miss. Clearly your priorities of putting food before everything else have got to change. (She says while eating a midafternoon snack)

I think I’ll stop now, not because I don’t have more delightful anecdotes to share with you, but because I’m afraid you probably think I’m the laziest, weirdest, most unorganized, disheveled mother/employee/wife/everything else. I promise I do have some great accomplishments and strong attributes too. When I’m not totally exhausted from all the things I’m involved in, I can be quite a pleasant person to be around (hah!). Mostly, I am thankful for my life, albeit it is not always perfect. Sometimes life hands me a challenge and sometimes I just make senseless mistakes, but mostly I’ve learned that if I can walk away from an experience and laugh about it, it’s been a good life.

So I’m trying hard to smile with each struggle and be thankful for the times that we get a full night’s rest to tackle the next hurdle!

A Rough Patch

This morning was tough. My mom who teaches at Ali’s daycare has been out recovering from a health issue, normally he spends his mornings with her in her classroom and doesn’t look twice when I walk out the door. It’s been a difficult few weeks. Weeks that make me realize that having family nearby is SO vital to a positive well-being. Ali loves daycare, but lately he’s been clingy and I’m assuming it’s because now that he’s a 2 year old ‘big boy’ he’s going through a separation anxiety phase where I’m no longer out of sight out of mind. Adding to the fact that we’ve had two long weekends due to holidays where he got mommy overload have not helped.

Separation Anxiety has turned my usual cheerful, outgoing and social child into a bag of tears. Normally, he runs or skips his way through the daycare doors, mentioning the “bleeew” and “reddd” flowers outsides. This morning, he clung to me as we walked in, laying his head on my shoulder. He was not in the mood for his usual chatter, the only word he said was  a quiet plea for Nani as we neared his classroom; where I reminded him that Nani is at home, but he will have fun with Ms. Christine and his buddies today. He nervously took off his coat and gave me his pacifer to put away as Ms. Christine took out his breakfast. I sat him down, kissed his forehead and turned to leave when I heard ‘Ammiiiiii’ behind me. He was not ready to let me go. Oh boy. I sat with him for a bit, watching him eat his first few bites. As another parent walked in to drop off their child, I took this opportunity to make a quick exit. Hoping he wouldn’t notice my absence with the extra bodies crowding the small class room, I dashed out. As I heard the door click behind me I turned to see Ali rushing out of his seat after me wailing ‘Ammiiiiiii’. It wasn’t so much his cries, but the look on his face in that moment. Our eyes locked and the sheer look of having his heart broken, that look of betrayal and rejection was all over his face. Ugh just put dagger through my heart and give it a twist why don’t you? I could hear the cries as I signed the daily attendance sheet in the hallway. Fortunately, within a few short moments it was gone.

What makes this separation anxiety phase so difficult for me is that I remember going through it! I have a weirdly good memory, but I remember being about 2-3 years old and going to a babysitter all day while my mom went back to college for her Early Childhood degree. As an adult now, I realize my mom did something wonderful for herself and for our family, but as a toddler I was miserable all day. I was probably the easiest kid to babysit, because I wouldn’t move from the same spot on the sofa in front of the TV, I didn’t speak and barely ate. The only thing I really remember is being scared of another girl who came to the babysitter too, she was a little older and would push me around to play with her. I didn't want to be her friend, I just wanted my mommy and Pushy Girl's behavior clearly didn’t help my situation. This only lasted a short period I’m assuming, because I remember soon after going to my aunt’s during the day and really enjoying it. She was my mom’s younger sister, so it was like having the next best thing. She never yelled and I could play big sister to my baby cousin. But still, it was not my mom. Shortly after, my mom started working at a preschool and I would go with her. She taught an older age group, but knowing that my mom was in the classroom next door, it’s when my personality finally came out. I became social and enjoyed those drives to and from daycare with mom. Just me and her. Even later on when I was 5, my Dadi and Dada would take care of me before kindergarten. It was nice and gave me fond memories with them but, it was not my mom.

All a small child wants in this stage is his mom, his source of comfort and over whom he can reign freely. His Ammi. I am heartbroken that I cannot give my child that (except on weeknights and weekends). That he has to spend 10 hours, five days a week without me literally brings me to tears, because it as the one thing I also wanted as a young child and here I am doing the same to my own. 

Ali, if you are an adult reading this one day. Know that those days when you didn’t want Ammi to leave you, they were just as tough on her too. Know that when you cried as she shut the classroom door in your tiny adorable face, she got back into her car and gulped down tears of her own. Surah Ya Sin. That’s the surah Ammi had to listen to while driving to work. Because, my mom, your Nani, had told me that it is considered the Heart of the Quran, and the only thing to try mending my broken heart this morning was hearing recitations from the Heart itself.

Also, we must be thankful for all the kindness in our lives. We are lucky that Nani lives so close by we can visit her whenever we like, and soon she’ll be back at school with you. Know that Ms. Christine, like all your teachers will be inshAllah, is a wonderful caring woman who takes SUCH good care of you when I can’t be around and had a hand in shaping you into the man you are today. She was patient as you cried and comforted you when you felt sad. We must always find the positive in every difficult situation. We must find what is to be learned from it and how we can grow better from it.You are a strong and resilient boy, your teacher reassures me you play fine the rest of the day, those cries are soon forgotten. But there are those moments I worry that these memories will damage you. I fear it will create feelings of rejection and anxiety within you. I pray hard that they don’t make you resentful towards me or towards any future siblings who may take my attention away from you even more. I'm relying on the same hope my mother probably had, that one day you will grow up and realize why I had to do what I did, for the betterment of our family. And that it never ever meant that I love you any less.

 As a Muslim, we are taught that God loves us 70x more than a mother loves her children. I finally get it. The gravity of that notion. We selfishly demand God's attention, we fight with Him when he doesn't grant us what we want. We hold grudges for years and don't talk to Him. All because we are needy like a child and feel resentful that He deprived us of his love somehow, whether it be by denying us the things we desire or giving us difficult life situations to tackle. Becoming a mom grants a view from the other side of the lense. Everything comes full circle. 

Loving my child has taught me how to love God the way he deserves to be loved, because it allows me to understand Him. Knowing what it is to love selflessly, we cry when our child cries. Your pain is worse than any of my own. And, the pain of knowing that it is my actions which caused your tears, that is an injury I wish upon no one. But those tears shed are necessary to make successful, confident and sociable individuals who will one day repeat the same cycle. And hopefully, they too will know Him and what it is to love Him. 








 Motherhood Is Not For Sissies By Beilenson, Evelyn (Google Affiliate Ad)