Discipline

Due to a  perk of SAHMhood, I have began watching a Pakistani talk show, which on a particular day had a well-known guest, Ali Azmat from the band Junoon. I've grown up listening to his music, but honestly I was never a fan because I always found him to be too much of a "typical rockstar"; rebellious and nonconformist. But his interview that day was interesting to me and it stood out, because he began talking about parenthood.

He spoke on how becoming a father has really influenced and changed him. He has had this image for years of being the tough guy affected by his fame and fortune, but here he was talking enthusiastically about making ponytails in his daughter's hair and spending the day with his little angel. He wants to spoil her, but simultaneously also teach her the value of things, making her a consciously aware citizen of the world. This isn't something very new, I think we have all seen how having kids can transform people. Or maybe it's just something that comes with age and maturity; a sense of awareness and appreciation. He went on to talk about his own parents and how as a typical guy, especially a Pakistani one, growing up his mom was always smothering him with love and food, which he never appreciated it until he went abroad to live on his own. As he grew up, he gained tons of fame and fortune but came back home to them and took care of his parents until they passed away. I know it's another cliché example, but clichés always hold some truth to them. It was nice to see this side of him.

All the while I couldn't help but think about my own son. Right now he's three and he doesn't really appreciate much of anything I do. In fact, every moment of our day together makes me fully aware that I'm dealing with an egocentric stage of childhood. But watching this interview made me reflect for a minute, maybe one day he will?

Because we spend so much time together, literally all day everyday from 8 am  till bedtime at 9 pm, I feel as if he takes me for granted, I think this happens to a lot of mothers. Our kids never get a chance to miss us since they're always with us! Especially now in this new stage of child rearing,  for parents its where we struggle to find the balance between love and disciple. I find this stage to be pure exhaustion. So much energy, an ever growing vocabulary that never seems to take a pause, armed with constant 'I want'.

Many days end with me wondering if I'm indulging him too much by planning activities like story time at Barnes and Noble or play dates. Often times we walk out of an hour or more of playing with him kicking/screaming for more and I'm the mean mom who ruins all the fun. And when I'm not worrying about spoiling him I worry that I'm disciplining too hard, which concerns me will encourage more rebellion. But I can't help be that mom:

-who won't buy every toy/candy he lays his hand on just to stop the nagging (oh how tempting it is to stop the nagging!!!).
- who won't let him watch 17 straight hours of YouTube toy review videos and forces playing with puzzles or letter tracing which he is too impatient to sit still for.
-who won't allow him to say bad words such as his current obsession 'S-T-U-P-I-D'.
- who insists we have to stop for a pee break and then we must wash hands afterwards. (yes diapers are a million times easier than potty training and I've even had moments where I wondered why underwear is useful at all.)
-who scolds him for saying 'I want' and demands instead to hear 'can I please..?'
-who says and follows through with the threat that  'we will leave here immediately if you don't stop crying/whining/running/shouting loudly'

So much for asking to be appreciated, I'm too busy being overwhelmed with how to just deal with him and his demands while leaving minimal damage on his adult personality. I know, I know 'he's just a kid and all kids do this'. My husband's comforting words of 'it's a phase, we all went through it he will be fine.' does reassure this worrier momma a bit. But the scary part comes when I see the reality of some people who don't grow out of it. And usually it always goes back to their childhood, well meaning mothers who gave into their demands creating manipulative selfish monsters. "It's always the mother's fault."

Truthfully no mother performs the acts that they do for the sake of appreciation. We would (and usually DO) still do them even if you children never said a single thank you. Making your favorite meals, searching for the beloved Lightning McQueen car under the sofa, bending/kneeling at 6 months pregnant to scrub the tub after bath time finger-painting, we do them because that is simply a part of being a mother. Because our own happiness truly becomes so intertwined with that of our child's that it becomes hard to discern the difference. But lately, with my extreme concern about discipline I've been laying down rules hard on Ali and sometimes I feel guilty that he may end up hating me and all the constant rule enforcing.

Despite all my strict mom behavior, something pretty amazing happened the other day. We were at the park like always, and another little girl began playing with him. They did their introductions and then he ran over to me, "This is my mom. She's my best friend!"  he beamed.

I don't think he really knows the meaning of that word yet, and he definitely doesn't know what  it meant to me. The little girl's mother and I both had a serious 'Aww' moment. It made all the tough days worth it. Today he doesn't know what it means, but one day he will. Here's to hoping my free spirited child still introduces me the same way when he does! 

Finding the right balance

With a 3 year old son who's newly graduated from toddlerhood to potty trained preschooler (he's still at home for now), I've found us in a situation most parents can relate to. How to discipline your child. In my struggle, a topic has been on my mind a lot lately. The balance between love and fear. I searched quite a bit about the relationship of love and fear. Many hold the view that love and fear cannot coexist together, that love is a part of our higher self while fear is from our lower self which prevents us from reaching further.

It's a pretty basic concept and it does make sense to a degree. Our fears usually are what transcend into hatred/prejudice and often they hold us back from doing things we may have aspired to achieve. Love, on the other hand is seen as the good guy, the one that allows us to be open minded, to take risks, and to move beyond all the struggle. As a parent, I do want to teach my son love; kind generous love, unconditional love, all sorts of love. But at the same time, I'm not totally bought over about making fear into a bad guy.

Afterall, in the Quran the image of a Fearful God is presented just as much as a Loving God. It's weird though, isn't it? How can we fear someone we love? I think that's the tricky part. Finding the right balance. If we did not have fear, we would commit actions with reckless abandon. A part of human nature needs to have inhibitions in order to maintain some sort of order. Fear gives us structure, guidelines. I tell Ali the stove is extremely hot and not only should he be afraid of the injury it can cause, but also he will be severely punished if he does not obey my rules to stay away from it. I take his safety seriously, even if he is too young to understand that concept yet. It's the same with humans, religion (God, essentially) warns us of punishments for  our actions in order to protect our well being even if we may not always understand it. Too much of fear is what becomes the problem. If all we do is fear God without learning to love him then he becomes a tyrannical monster so controlling that it terrorizes our sense of self and leads people to shy away from religion. Similarly, parents who are too strict often have children who rebel from authority. If they don't rebel then they become so fearful of their actions that they aren't able to make strong, bold decisions on their own. Because, they're too focused on pleasing someone else all the time (someone else being their parents in most cases). Balance. That's what it all comes down to.

Even with love, we need a balance. Every parent does love his or her children unconditionally, nearly all our actions are motivated by our endless love for these tiny beings. Tiny beings who will one day become big beings, even if that day seems so far away. If we only teach them love then we're depriving them of skills they will desperately need to lead a successful life. Every parent wants to be the good guy, they want to be their child's best friend and to have a close bond. No one needs to be told how to love, it's pretty self explanatory. But the thing is, as a parent if I give into every whim and want of my child out of my love for him I'm enabling a self indulgent, egotistical person. Up until his toddler years, yes it makes sense to indulge in the needs/wants of a child because they are solely dependent on you to provide for them. But, once they reach the age of talking, walking and self expression their personality is forming the foundation of the adult they will one day become. I just don't agree with the notion that I should let him be independent, carefree and behave however he wishes to encourage his growth. Kids need to know that you are the parent and they are the child, this early understanding of roles is crucial. I'm not saying that children should not be given responsibilities or allowed to explore with their own self expression. But kids just like adults, need boundaries. The sooner we learn to accept boundaries the simpler life becomes. Myself included, we all struggle with self control. Self control is a trait which if mastered can make a person highly successful and satisfied in life. So why not try and feed our children little bites of self control instead of self indulgence?

For example, teaching him that he needs to be patient. Teaching this to a 3 year old is probably the hardest task ever. And it inevitably happens that your child will nag you about something most passionately when you are at the end of your rope. This is generally the moment where you are most likely to give in. But what does your child learn from that situation if you do? They learn how to manipulate people who love them to give into their demands. It seems so minor now when all the kid wants is a lollipop. But before you know it that same 3 year old turns into a 30 year old who never learned that life is not always going to go how they want it when they want it. Or it could be, if they keep using love as a way to manipulate others. And that is the biggest misuse of love I could ever imagine.

Check out this article by Times and the famous Marshmallow test to see research on Self Control.

Love and Fear, like day and night, yin and yang. We spend our lives trying to balance them. And perhaps, all those philosophers are probably right. Love is truly the higher self, the part of our being we hope to one day achieve. But we cannot make it up that staircase without a little fear, we must accept that part of our self too. To use it when it's necessary. 

2013 Recap

As the final days of 2013 approach I wanted to take a moment to recap just HOW much we did this year, it was packed with laughter tears and lots of love.

January- a month filled with lots of birthdays! This year Ali was old enough to enjoy them all!

Enjoying his friend Umer's first birthday party

Ayaan's adorable Choo Choo turning 2 party!

many faces of Ali in January

February: Lots went on this month

failed attempt at toilet training, at least he looks cute

Ali's first time playing in snow

My Stud of a date

I got super cheesy with Valentine plans this year, read about it here

 it up with his buddies, we call them Rugrats!

Wajih and Ali's first trip to Philly! Saw Constitution hall and the Liberty Bell. Finished off with authentic cheesesteaks

We took a trip of a lifetime to Istanbul, Turkey read about it

March: Enjoying the drastic weather changes of living in the northeast, snow one day, sunshine and 65F another

Still March but weather finally warms up

Celebrated my parent's 35th anniversary, details here

April: Ali and I did an impromptu photo shoot with matching attire, he will grow up and think I'm SO weird for this


May: Got this amazing 21st birthday cake for my baby sister, she'll always be the chubby wubby cutie in the family


June: Family time while Wajih headed out to Tampa

 Celebrated father's day with my dad and dada

Ali's toddler class graduation

visited Sesame Place with Ali's cousins, he loved it so much he still asks to go back

Wajih came back to NJ to visit and we went to our favorite brunch spot, Rat's

July: Wrapping up summer and time with family

watched local fireworks, Ali's first time so up close

my baby sister making my birthday super special

Surprise birthday party just for me!

Forced my family in the heat of July to Central park

being silly with my kiddies

Ali making summer memories

wrapped up our life

Ali did not want to say goodbye to his first home

the very first place Wajih and I called home

one last look at my office, where I started my career as an intern in college

my amazing friends threw me a farewell party

Ali spent some time with his great grandfather, who knows how many more chances we have to capture those moments.

my final goodbye to Nani

At a memorial for Nani my entire family got together, another goodbye

Last shot of all us cousins before I headed out of town

August - I adjusted to life in a new place 

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September - Set up a new home, had adventures with Ali and made a mini trip to Miami and Key Largo 

October: Tried to find Autumn in Florida's heat, read more about it here

 November: A very busy month jam packed with activities

Ali's Nana Abu came to visit us in Tampa

Made a 16 hr road trip for Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' place

All of Ali's cousins

Couldn't stay away from the food table

reunited with all his old daycare buddies, it was adorable seeing them all squeal with excitement!

 December - We spent most of the start of the month being sick with upper respiratory infections brought back from NJ's cold weather, finally when all the illness went away we got into the holiday festivities and took Ali to a Christmas light show at the mall, he loved it and we loved seeing fake snow in 70 degrees.

Now I'm headed back to the tundra again, I'll be visiting home for the next month so my blogging will be even more slacking than it has been lately. 2013 was an emotional year to say the least. I said many goodbyes, but I also made some new discoveries about friendships, family, me, about my strength and about my capacity to love. Right now, in this very moment I would not change a single aspect of my life, I love every part of it to bits. I couldn't be more thankful for what I have and the memories I've been given over the past year.

I didn't speak much of it earlier as my grandmother had passed away literally the day before our anniversary, but this year was my husband and my 5th wedding anniversary. That's a big one. We spent a good chunk of the year apart, more than we ever had before. We also embarked on a big change together. All around me I've seen many people face tough moments regarding marriage or lack thereof this year and sometimes after you've been married so long you begin to get comfortable and stop appreciating what you've got. I got married fairly young, lots of other girls at the time even dubbed my type of girls 'the ones who settled' because we gave into the typical Pakistani mentality of marrying young and to whom our parents wanted. I honestly didn't love my husband when I married him, I hardly knew him. So I can't truly say if I "settled". The only thing I knew about him was that no one else I would meet would ever love my parents and family so sincerely. No one else could be a better fit for my own self. And five years later I can now wholeheartedly say I was absolutely right. Every day he pushes me to be a better but at the same time he loves me deeply for who I am so spending my life with someone like that, if it was settling, is the best decision I ever made.