A new chapter

But what do you do, if that last chapter is unforgettable? 

Earlier this summer I was given the chance to reflect on myself as a child. I found one thing that's been with me always is a strong love for writing. This love stems from a part of me I call The Storyteller. 

The girl who has tons to say because she loves to share experiences with others. Sharing stories helps us relate to one another, to realize that we're all really fighting the same battles, despite different faces and different experiences, inwardly our souls are all the same.

We all have a pretty tough time with change, and an even tougher time tackling closure. I've had to do both this summer. 

In my last week in NJ my Nani (mom's mom) passed away. It wasn't a total surprise, but she was healthy just a few weeks/month earlier so it did hit us hard. Why it really hit us all was, because Nani's always been such a central part of our family. Nothing brought her more joy than all her kids and grand kids all in one place, happy together.

My husband shared some simple yet wonderful words with my sisters and me to make us realize how so much is passed on from generation to generation.

'Nana and Nani were the glue that bonded your wonderful khandaan (extended family) together and now you have their memories with which to uphold that bond. Mom is a true embodiment of what Nani has passed down, her nature, her joyous personality and her 'Spartan Warrior' attitude. All of you sisters have a piece of her in you so treasure that and hope to pass on some of that to the next generation.' 

I see it now. One major part of my Nani's personality that anyone can tell you is she made friends effortlessly everywhere she went, never hesitating to help someone even if it was to share tips/stories and fun chatter. Thats just how my mom is, and I suppose thats where my storyteller/extrovert side comes from too.

Thinking of all this, another trait of my mom's that I've inherited is our emotional strength.  A general image of women always shows that we cry easily, that we weakly succumb to our emotions. Not my mom and I. We focus all our energy on what needs to get done and find every means possible to avoid confrontation with how deeply our emotions affect us. I don't like crying publicly, it doesn't mean I'm not scared sad or anxious, I just don't find it productive to spend time crying about something I can't change. Some of my most productive hours are when I'm feeling upset, in fact this entire summer was more productive than many past years have been! 

So the days now when I miss home, mom, Nani, sisters, friends and everything that's familiar to me, I remind myself of the tools my past has given me; a positive upbeat spirit that keeps on keeping on. 

I know I'll make new friends in due time, Nani wouldn't have it any other way. And I know when nostalgia is striking hard I'll find loads of laundry and dirty dishes that need to be tended to. 

The 19 hr drive down from NJ to FL had many moments where I was quiet in my glum thoughts of an amazing past chapter. Most people leave their hometown when they first start college or get married, yet here Iam doing it 5 years into marriage and 2.5 into motherhood. But a part of me was still not ready to let go. Then, we stopped somewhere in Georgia and I got my first real taste of southern sweet tea, it came with some free advice I couldn't help but think my Nani was sharing with me:

A man open fired at an elementary school today, killing many children.

I can't stop thinking about this. It hurts my heart to think about the poor children who lost friends because of this mentally sick man, who lost a part of their innocence today. I can't stop thinking about the parents who sent their children off to school and they won't ever get them back.

This is not a matter of gun control, it's just not. Columbine happened 13 years ago and Virginia Tech 5 years ago, but today it seems nothing has changed because a tragedy just the same has occurred again. In my 26 years of life I've seen enough breaking news alerts to know gun control laws only makes it harder for the sane to get access not the insane. The insane somehow always find a way to spread devastation and mayhem. The issue raised from this awful situation is to cure mental health issues lurking beneath our world. TALK to your children, teach them how to cope with their emotions. Most importantly, love the heck out of them. Because, we can't rid the world of all Crazies but we can be proactive to address any emotional distress in our own homes.

To parents of the sweet innocent souls that we lost today, as we hold our children tightly tonight thoughts and prayers for you encompass our minds and hearts.

To the citizens of Self.

There’s this part of me, this self-absorbed materialistic part that so badly would love to own a classic quilted lambskin Chanel 2.55 bag. Do you know how much this bag costs? It’s insane. The sad part is, I can afford it. Not even a second hand from eBay but a real one, without making a significant dent in my saving either. Isn’t it crazy? There are people in this world lacking basic necessities and I am able to sit here and spend my time mulling over what handbag I would love to have next.

The simple fact that these luxuries exist and they create desires in the common person to possess them baffles me. Baffle. My husband laughs, but I tell him how sometimes when I sit and think about the world we live in I’m simply baffled. There is no better way to describe it.

Relating to this topic, I’ve started watching this HumTV drama Shehr-e-Zaat (I believe it means City of Self). Initially I thought why am I bothering? I could not in the least bit relate to the protagonist, a pretentious girl from a wealthy family who is a fine arts student in college. She finds a guy who looks exactly like the sculpture she’s been making and falls madly (when I say madly, I mean like cuckoo for cocoa puffs kind of mad) in love with him. She has never been like this before, usually it’s her that is being pursued all the time and now she’s stalking down this guy, meanwhile he is not all that fazed by her. She’s even got this ‘Boy next door’ buddy who’s head over heels for her, but she’s too much in love with Sculpture Guy to pay him any mind. The show is still running, but so far she gets Sculpture Guy to marry her, he (inevitably) cheats on her with a far less attractive girl (he has his own issues, we won’t go there). Which now leaves her in a state of anxiety, questioning her entire existence as this is first catastrophic event to ever occur in her life. She’s having major epiphanies of how self-obsessed she’s been all her life. She’s finding herself turning towards religion and spirituality in hopes to right all her wrongs. Think of it sort of as a Pakistani version of Eat, Pray, Love so there are impeccably deep dialogues, serious religious references and can’t fail to mention some amazing wardrobes.

I’m a fairly level headed individual (most days), who never quite traveled down that whole crazy fanatic in love path. So, I couldn’t really relate to this character for the first 6-10 episodes of the show when she’s going gaga over this guy. But now, as her character has moments of self-reflection, they’ve really incorporated some great dialogues. These are moments we all go through, because we all have an ugly materialistic monster inside of us who craves all the worldly luxuries or who gets too caught up in the petty things, but we also have a compassionate side. A side who can’t justify paying a month’s salary on something that’s meant to carry our crap around when that could buy food, clothing, education for a year in some parts of the world.

I hope what this show does is hit home with the upper class youth in Pakistan (that is where this TV series is airing), because they are living SO closely to all the poverty, famine, and destitution yet many of them have closed up their eyes, hearts and minds to that reality which exists a few miles away from their gated communities.  Inside their lavish homes they have created a bubble untouched by the reality outside. They have air conditioning, flat screen TVs, and the women are shopping.. ALL THE TIME.  Yet, just step out to a common bazaar and there are beggars everywhere. Young and old. Maybe the upper class has become numb to it, because they see it so often and partly because they have to in order to go about life. But that doesn’t make it right. The low income population of that country has turned into a business for those with power and money, manipulating them or just treating them as subhuman. I’m not saying the youth of Pakistan needs to go out and shower the poor with wealth. Just stop spending their time and money on their own selves and think for a moment about the bigger picture. How all this self-serving really never fulfills us internally.

I’m not blaming Pakistani youth alone, the entire global society has become self-interested. We care only about our needs and wants all the time. And the truth is, those ‘needs’ will never stop. As long as you lust for the worldly treasures you could worship it but it will never be yours. It will only leave you wanting more. But I’m focusing on the adolescents here, because that is the prime period of our lives when we are so passionate about everything. We think we’re passionately in love with the boy in our math class, we zealously hate our mom’s for never letting us have a social life, we’re extremely eager about fitting in with the crowd, but mostly about discovering who we are.Take that passion and channel it towards something of true value. Use your time and prosperity seeking out more gratifying things than nabbing the latest Lawn prints before everyone else. Trust me, your grown up self will appreciate the years of self-therapy and soul searching you saved.

Did you see what youth in other parts of the world was capable of? How they were able to overthrow tyrants and rulers, because they stopped thinking about how difficult it would be for them to fight the oppressor and they channeled all their energy towards actions which would improve the lives of so many others. O.T.H.E.R.S.

Tick Tock

Every single day I wake up at 6:30, bolting right out of bed at the first horrible buzz of the alarm clock and I already have this list in the back of my mind of every single thing I have to accomplish by the end of the day. And further back is all that I have to accomplish by the end of this year. And even further is all that I want to accomplish in this lifetime.

I always feel like life is so short...Everything in my day revolves around time, because I want to get so much done and yet time is incessantly racing against me. Mostly these days in the routine stuff, it’s as if I lack so much of it I value every spare extra minute I get. And it’s funny because there were moments in the summer when I wished (for like a second) that summer would move faster, things were too slow (damn do i miss those days), now it’s as if the weeks are rushing by so fast, deadlines are constantly being thrown at me and everything becomes a blur after awhile.

Time must be made into a friend, before a foe it becomes all too quickly. Time tells all and heals all. We change so much with it and so suddenly that in most cases we don't even sense it creep up on us. Every experience has a lasting effect on who we are and who we become, and only time tells us what that will be. A single moment can be monumental in the experience of one lifetime. And sometimes...a single moment takes a lifetime to arrive.

All I know is...in my lifetime, I hope to value my time with my family, to appreciate my time spent on my education, my career, and my friends. I hope to make use of time, to be able to have the time to relax, to take the time to worship god wholeheartedly, and to thank time for making me into who I am. 

Ok now I will take this time to shut up and go to sleep.

It is now bedtime.

ha ha.. I'm lame, there is no hiding from that.