Thirty six

Jummah Mubarak! (Happy Friday!) 

Yesterday marked the start of my 9th month of being a preggo eggo. Making it to the 36 weeks mark is a moment of mixed emotions. 

Being in the final stretch of this journey is exciting. You are SO close to holding your little chubster cheeked cutie pie you've waited forever to see! But, at the same time you are so exhausted from just being huge that (as you face palm yourself) all you can think is "man, seriously another 4 weeks of this to go?!?" Being 36 wks/full term means your baby could come any time now, and for those few lucky women who do delivery early this is great. You're truly at the finish line. For the rest of us (majority women deliver right around their due date if not passed), it is just false hope that the Braxton hicks we've been feeling for awhile maybe the real deal. 

I usually try real hard to see the positive side of things and through out this pregnancy the hubs even noted I was much less 'complainy', more energetic and on my feet than the first time around. I admit I'm of the fortunate bunch who doesn't have a terrible pregnancy, plus second time around you're just better prepared for what's to come. I'm lucky to have no major nausea or fatigue passed the first trimester and mostly all other symptoms are mild so I can ignore them or remind myself of the blessings they bring with them. I was actually proud of myself, I was rolling with the punches pretty well this time! I hadn't gained nearly as much weight as I did with my first pregnancy, reminding myself that indulging in cravings will only bite my flabby behind later helped. Even the terrible leg cramps at 4 am didn't bother me as much as my first pregnancy; just jump out of bed walk on it then go pee for the 40th time and roll back to sleep. It was a routine I accepted as motherhood's many 'perks'. 

Yet, last week when I hit 35 weeks it was like suddenly pregnancy reality came flying at me in full force. Maybe not having husband around (out of town for work) all week made it worst, or maybe my extremely energetic 3 year old and his hoards of toys contributed to it. Suddenly, the heart burn came on strong no matter what I ate just as the Braxton hicks intensified, making every possible position an uncomfortable one. I hadn't been able to breath out my nose all pregnancy, but now with a cantelope sitting on my lungs jabbing at my ribs, breathing truly was a difficult task. Meanwhile my back was totally screaming in pain to the point that I cursed the floor for being so damn far every time I had to bend and pick up yet another Lego/superman/McQueen off the ground. Even my ankles had swollen up a great deal, which isn't painful as much as it is annoying due to a constant pins and needles feeling. By the end of the week I was literally D.O.N.E.! 

Then I opened up a pack of girls scout cookies, laughed at my misery (yes motherhood is amazing, life changing and it's the best thing I ever did blah blah. All of that is very true, but right now I am just beyond tired). I reminded myself that once this ball which is currently crushing all of my insides does come outside everything will be better (better is a word I use loosely, newborns are NO joke). I then snooped around in the Mommy to Be forums on my What to Expect app which helped me feel better as I found the humor in the misery we are all sharing. So, I though I would share some of the memes the ladies posted for those of you who may not be in this boat with us. A taste of what it feels like to be a 'nothing-in-my-goddamn-closet-fits-over-this-beach-ball-except-a-tent-hormonal-preggo-eggo': 

Your baby might be the size of a cantelope, but YOU feel more like a beluga whale! 

That list... It's like whyyy are they purposely forcing us to see the wonderful things we're trying so hard to ignore all day errday? I'm not a frequent user of the phrase 'FML', but looking at it that's all I can think. (Except that extra energy part. Really who has it? Can you please share? Pretty please??)

When everyone keeps asking you the annoying question of 'how are you feeling?' And you so badly want to respond with the above answer. 

True story. 

I literally laughed out loud when I saw this, laughed then cried because this is my reality. All I want to do is veg out on the sofa to rest my achy back, but then I remember the struggle called 'getting up'. And get up I will have to because like clockwork every 30 mins is a pee break! 

Thankfully no one has tried this on me, I might have to punch them out if they do. I know it's difficult not to poke at a protruding object but really, can we not make preggos feel more like zoo animals than they already do?!

Totes ready. 

Need I say more? 

Discipline

Due to a  perk of SAHMhood, I have began watching a Pakistani talk show, which on a particular day had a well-known guest, Ali Azmat from the band Junoon. I've grown up listening to his music, but honestly I was never a fan because I always found him to be too much of a "typical rockstar"; rebellious and nonconformist. But his interview that day was interesting to me and it stood out, because he began talking about parenthood.

He spoke on how becoming a father has really influenced and changed him. He has had this image for years of being the tough guy affected by his fame and fortune, but here he was talking enthusiastically about making ponytails in his daughter's hair and spending the day with his little angel. He wants to spoil her, but simultaneously also teach her the value of things, making her a consciously aware citizen of the world. This isn't something very new, I think we have all seen how having kids can transform people. Or maybe it's just something that comes with age and maturity; a sense of awareness and appreciation. He went on to talk about his own parents and how as a typical guy, especially a Pakistani one, growing up his mom was always smothering him with love and food, which he never appreciated it until he went abroad to live on his own. As he grew up, he gained tons of fame and fortune but came back home to them and took care of his parents until they passed away. I know it's another cliché example, but clichés always hold some truth to them. It was nice to see this side of him.

All the while I couldn't help but think about my own son. Right now he's three and he doesn't really appreciate much of anything I do. In fact, every moment of our day together makes me fully aware that I'm dealing with an egocentric stage of childhood. But watching this interview made me reflect for a minute, maybe one day he will?

Because we spend so much time together, literally all day everyday from 8 am  till bedtime at 9 pm, I feel as if he takes me for granted, I think this happens to a lot of mothers. Our kids never get a chance to miss us since they're always with us! Especially now in this new stage of child rearing,  for parents its where we struggle to find the balance between love and disciple. I find this stage to be pure exhaustion. So much energy, an ever growing vocabulary that never seems to take a pause, armed with constant 'I want'.

Many days end with me wondering if I'm indulging him too much by planning activities like story time at Barnes and Noble or play dates. Often times we walk out of an hour or more of playing with him kicking/screaming for more and I'm the mean mom who ruins all the fun. And when I'm not worrying about spoiling him I worry that I'm disciplining too hard, which concerns me will encourage more rebellion. But I can't help be that mom:

-who won't buy every toy/candy he lays his hand on just to stop the nagging (oh how tempting it is to stop the nagging!!!).
- who won't let him watch 17 straight hours of YouTube toy review videos and forces playing with puzzles or letter tracing which he is too impatient to sit still for.
-who won't allow him to say bad words such as his current obsession 'S-T-U-P-I-D'.
- who insists we have to stop for a pee break and then we must wash hands afterwards. (yes diapers are a million times easier than potty training and I've even had moments where I wondered why underwear is useful at all.)
-who scolds him for saying 'I want' and demands instead to hear 'can I please..?'
-who says and follows through with the threat that  'we will leave here immediately if you don't stop crying/whining/running/shouting loudly'

So much for asking to be appreciated, I'm too busy being overwhelmed with how to just deal with him and his demands while leaving minimal damage on his adult personality. I know, I know 'he's just a kid and all kids do this'. My husband's comforting words of 'it's a phase, we all went through it he will be fine.' does reassure this worrier momma a bit. But the scary part comes when I see the reality of some people who don't grow out of it. And usually it always goes back to their childhood, well meaning mothers who gave into their demands creating manipulative selfish monsters. "It's always the mother's fault."

Truthfully no mother performs the acts that they do for the sake of appreciation. We would (and usually DO) still do them even if you children never said a single thank you. Making your favorite meals, searching for the beloved Lightning McQueen car under the sofa, bending/kneeling at 6 months pregnant to scrub the tub after bath time finger-painting, we do them because that is simply a part of being a mother. Because our own happiness truly becomes so intertwined with that of our child's that it becomes hard to discern the difference. But lately, with my extreme concern about discipline I've been laying down rules hard on Ali and sometimes I feel guilty that he may end up hating me and all the constant rule enforcing.

Despite all my strict mom behavior, something pretty amazing happened the other day. We were at the park like always, and another little girl began playing with him. They did their introductions and then he ran over to me, "This is my mom. She's my best friend!"  he beamed.

I don't think he really knows the meaning of that word yet, and he definitely doesn't know what  it meant to me. The little girl's mother and I both had a serious 'Aww' moment. It made all the tough days worth it. Today he doesn't know what it means, but one day he will. Here's to hoping my free spirited child still introduces me the same way when he does! 

Finding the right balance

With a 3 year old son who's newly graduated from toddlerhood to potty trained preschooler (he's still at home for now), I've found us in a situation most parents can relate to. How to discipline your child. In my struggle, a topic has been on my mind a lot lately. The balance between love and fear. I searched quite a bit about the relationship of love and fear. Many hold the view that love and fear cannot coexist together, that love is a part of our higher self while fear is from our lower self which prevents us from reaching further.

It's a pretty basic concept and it does make sense to a degree. Our fears usually are what transcend into hatred/prejudice and often they hold us back from doing things we may have aspired to achieve. Love, on the other hand is seen as the good guy, the one that allows us to be open minded, to take risks, and to move beyond all the struggle. As a parent, I do want to teach my son love; kind generous love, unconditional love, all sorts of love. But at the same time, I'm not totally bought over about making fear into a bad guy.

Afterall, in the Quran the image of a Fearful God is presented just as much as a Loving God. It's weird though, isn't it? How can we fear someone we love? I think that's the tricky part. Finding the right balance. If we did not have fear, we would commit actions with reckless abandon. A part of human nature needs to have inhibitions in order to maintain some sort of order. Fear gives us structure, guidelines. I tell Ali the stove is extremely hot and not only should he be afraid of the injury it can cause, but also he will be severely punished if he does not obey my rules to stay away from it. I take his safety seriously, even if he is too young to understand that concept yet. It's the same with humans, religion (God, essentially) warns us of punishments for  our actions in order to protect our well being even if we may not always understand it. Too much of fear is what becomes the problem. If all we do is fear God without learning to love him then he becomes a tyrannical monster so controlling that it terrorizes our sense of self and leads people to shy away from religion. Similarly, parents who are too strict often have children who rebel from authority. If they don't rebel then they become so fearful of their actions that they aren't able to make strong, bold decisions on their own. Because, they're too focused on pleasing someone else all the time (someone else being their parents in most cases). Balance. That's what it all comes down to.

Even with love, we need a balance. Every parent does love his or her children unconditionally, nearly all our actions are motivated by our endless love for these tiny beings. Tiny beings who will one day become big beings, even if that day seems so far away. If we only teach them love then we're depriving them of skills they will desperately need to lead a successful life. Every parent wants to be the good guy, they want to be their child's best friend and to have a close bond. No one needs to be told how to love, it's pretty self explanatory. But the thing is, as a parent if I give into every whim and want of my child out of my love for him I'm enabling a self indulgent, egotistical person. Up until his toddler years, yes it makes sense to indulge in the needs/wants of a child because they are solely dependent on you to provide for them. But, once they reach the age of talking, walking and self expression their personality is forming the foundation of the adult they will one day become. I just don't agree with the notion that I should let him be independent, carefree and behave however he wishes to encourage his growth. Kids need to know that you are the parent and they are the child, this early understanding of roles is crucial. I'm not saying that children should not be given responsibilities or allowed to explore with their own self expression. But kids just like adults, need boundaries. The sooner we learn to accept boundaries the simpler life becomes. Myself included, we all struggle with self control. Self control is a trait which if mastered can make a person highly successful and satisfied in life. So why not try and feed our children little bites of self control instead of self indulgence?

For example, teaching him that he needs to be patient. Teaching this to a 3 year old is probably the hardest task ever. And it inevitably happens that your child will nag you about something most passionately when you are at the end of your rope. This is generally the moment where you are most likely to give in. But what does your child learn from that situation if you do? They learn how to manipulate people who love them to give into their demands. It seems so minor now when all the kid wants is a lollipop. But before you know it that same 3 year old turns into a 30 year old who never learned that life is not always going to go how they want it when they want it. Or it could be, if they keep using love as a way to manipulate others. And that is the biggest misuse of love I could ever imagine.

Check out this article by Times and the famous Marshmallow test to see research on Self Control.

Love and Fear, like day and night, yin and yang. We spend our lives trying to balance them. And perhaps, all those philosophers are probably right. Love is truly the higher self, the part of our being we hope to one day achieve. But we cannot make it up that staircase without a little fear, we must accept that part of our self too. To use it when it's necessary. 

Recipe: Zucchini carrot bread with chocolate chips and walnuts

I have a serious problem. I can't stop baking. 

This week I started intense potty training with Ali. He'll be 3 in December and I am hopeful to have him trained by his birthday. We're doing the cold turkey method, no pull ups. It's supposed to be the most effective and quick which it has proven to be, but it also is the most exhausting, mentally draining and is a likely candidate for extreme forms of torture. Let's just say I did NOT need to be baking while trying to accomplish this task. 

So despite a serious backache from all the bending down to clean and jerking out of the way to avoid being sprayed on it's been a decently successful few days. He's learned to keep his number twos in the toilet and number ones are getting better. Enough toilet talk. I know that's not why you came here. 

This recipe is a bit more involved than others I've attempted before, mostly because of the added step of grating zucchini/carrots and that probably took me longer as I did it while running back and forth between the kitchen and bathroom. Nonetheless, it came out tasting pretty delicious and my chocolate loving husband/child have already devoured more than half of it (IN ONE DAY). This is a great way to get picky eaters to have their veggies without knowing it! 

I also used baby carrots not whole carrots (gasp unhealthy I know, I like the taste of chemicals what can I say) and grating those is a torturous task in itself. I would say you could barely taste the carrot so maybe using real carrots is better? Or just use more? You try it and tell me!

Again, I like to tamper with recipes online to make my own so this is a blend of 1 2 and 3. 

Ingredients

• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 1½ cups granulated sugar
•  1 cup brown sugar
• 3 large eggs
• 1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
• 2 ¾ cups all-purpose flour
• ½ teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 tablespoon ground cinnamon
• 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1 cup grated carrots
• 1½ cups grated zucchini
• ½ cup walnuts
• ½ cup chocolate chips

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Oil and flour 2 loaf pans.
2. In a large bowl, whisk together oil, sugar, eggs, and vanilla until fully combined and slightly lightened in color.
3. In a medium bowl, stir together flour, salt, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Whisk flour mixture into sugar mixture until fully combined. Add in the grated carrots and zucchini and walnuts. Stir until evenly distributed.  
4. Divide batter evenly among the loaf pans. Top with chocolate chips and more chopped walnuts, I also like to top with a little brown sugar to give it a crunch. Bake for 45 minutes on lower rack, rotating halfway through if necessary. Turn off stove and leave in oven to cool for 5-10 minutes to ensure it is cooked through.
5. Cool loaves in pans about 20 minutes before gently and carefully removing. Bread may be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 4 days, or frozen, wrapped in parchment and foil and placed in a zipper bag for 4 months. 

Eggplant Parmesan

Oh and I nearly forgot to mention that I also made Eggplant Parm for dinner. Because I've totally lost my mind. Peeling the skin then slicing and bread crumbing the eggplant, its just all so much more time consuming than ordering pizza, which I probably should have done.  But the end result really was worth it. 

Attempt this when you have a solid 1-1.5 hrs on your hands. 

We bake, not fry, our eggplant slices  which makes me want to believe this is a healthy recipe but it tastes SO darn good to be called that. 

I'm too tired to write out the whole thing, but they do a good job of that Here. To add in more veggies I threw some frozen broccoli and sliced mushrooms into the canned tomato sauce. Also, while I put the eggplant slices to bake I roasted 3 garlic cloves on the side, then crushed and added them into my sauce. Wow does that pack in flavor or what! Hubs better get ready for roasted garlic everything.

I left my dish in for longer since I love me some burnt cheese topping but you can probably pull it out once the cheese starts to bubble. 

And since I clearly cant sit still for an idle moment, I leave you with a depiction of what I did with most of our time spent in the bathroom this week:

Filed under things you discover in the toilet - Ali's momma is a Play-Doh artist!
 Homemade fondant cakes here I come!

Life lately through my IPhone

I know I've been MIA lately. I had all time these elaborate plans of how I'd constructively spend my time once I was a SAHM. I had thoughts of meal plans, cleaning charts, fitness routines, extreme organizing and finally focus on budget focused themed decorating (DIY projects). But mostly I end up staying in my PJs til 5pm while Ali watches way too much TV. I'm stuck in a bad rut of missing home, of missing life that was so familiar to me. Not sure why I didn't think this would happen to me. I know so many girls who go through this when they move out far away from home, but I was so sure it wasn't going to be me.  Everyone kept reminding me how proactive I am and how I would have so much fun being home utilizing my time so much better than I did before. Never say never huh. What bothers me most is how I love writing and reading, and I want to get back to it so badly but I'm just stuck in a rut. So while I'm here and still figuring my way back to being a normal non-useless human being, this is what life looks like: 

Finally got around to organizing my jewelry armoire. 

I realize I love the idea of accessorizing more than I actually do it.

First time using markers and play dough with the toddler, mostly a success since he makes me do all the work and it keeps him distracted away from TV time for a good hour. 

Weekly trips to B&N for story time always end in us spending an extra hour there doing this. I don't mind, glad my boy loves to build! 

Took a trip out to Downtown Disney. I love this picture of Ali terrified of the Dinosaur, he's like RUN BABA RUN!

Free admission day at the children's museum. Semi fail- museum was over crowded and outside it rained A LOT. but luckily in Tampa the rain lasts maybe 15 minutes so afterwards we hung out near the spray park outside. Ali loved it!

Beautiful mural at the museum gift shop

Silliness

afternoon tea has become a must cuz Ammi's energy level runs pretty low chasin' crazy little man all day

This picture would've been epic had that kid on the right not barged into it. My Green monster was so into that pose!

More excited than most little girls  to get a shot with it. Sigh, that castle never ceases to take my breath away. Even in a souvenir shop

Attempting to potty training Ali, guess who I found on the seat last week?

Whipped up a super easy super quick beef enchilada dinner using chapati roti not tortillas (improvise!) using this recipe

My crazy kid yelling "I Like to Move it Move it" riding the whale. So strange. So much like his Ammi.

Fearless monkey

Obsessed (is putting it mildly) with Thomas the Engine

"Look I'm Oscar!" (from Sesame street)

Ali's toys join us every week for Story time 

Trip to Lowry Zoo in Tampa

First time seeing a manatee

Found Baba sleeping on the sofa and thought he'd join in. (this was not posed, he actually did this)

So while I miss home immensely life here isn't so bad. Me and the little man get some wonderful moments together I know I'll cherish dearly. I'm trying hard to pull out the creative Sania that I know is hiding deep inside, she's just being the stubborn one that she is and letting Lazy Whiny 'Why cant we go back to Jersey already' Sania have her moment. 

In this moment, I have it all.

Meet Florida's most adorable gator

I'm sitting at a cafe/kids' jungle gym as I write.

It goes without saying this is pretty much what I always imagined "stay at home mom life" to be.

Today: I prepared breakfast and cleaned while Ali watched Word World. Then after lunch there was every mother's savior: Nap time, where I cooked dinner as well as had a much needed phone call with the bestie about potty training and preschool. Post nap we headed to the library for an afternoon of story time and arts/crafts. And because I know my child has insane energy to burn, I found out about Family Night at an indoor jungle gym, Monkey Bizznizz. $5 to play from 5 pm til close.

We've been here two hours and I don't see any signs of Ali's energy running out. This place is great and what a fantastic idea! Parents get to have coffee/snacks and stare at their phone without whining in the background. Meanwhile, kids tumble, slide, jump, climb and do everything but stare at a screen for hours. Best $5 ever spent! 

Earlier this week a friend posted an article on Facebook about the concept of 'having it all' and how society has brainwashed women into thinking that we must have it all while also warping our definition of what it means. It got me thinking about the fact that I left a pretty promising career to be doing this. No pay, managing finances to live/save off one income, not to mention diaper duty (soon to be potty training duty, which Ali seems more ready for than I am!), booboo kissing, cheering him on to climb higher or celebrating his little victories.

Some days its really exhausting and everyday is harder than a day at a 'real job'. Yesterday I found Spider-Man stickers on the bum of my sweatpants (who knows how many ppl I met or stores I went to where no one thought to tell me!) and today I had to smudge finger-paint off my new KS purse (thank god for washable paint). Both those instances made me smile. It meant my son was exploring and growing; and most importantly I was there to be a part of it. I know people without kids don't get it, they and sometimes even we parents see children as a hindrance from 'living it up' or 'having it all'. But, I still remember not too long ago (1.5 months to be exact) sitting behind a desk staring at my kid's pictures on my phone as I ate lunch feeling depressed about missing out on his childhood. I had many things then, but I felt I didn't 'have it all'.  

I'm not knocking down working moms, I was one for 2.5 years. I have tremendous respect for women who continue to succeed with a career and duties of motherhood. And I know there are days you feel like everything is balancing just right and days where nothing is. I made a decision to leave work and spend time with my toddler, because I realized that for me, doing both simultaneously did not make me happy. And right now, that's a decision I'm SO glad I made. Tomorrow my thoughts may change or maybe I won't have the opportunity and choice not to work, so today I'm swimming in SAHM's blissful pool. This is what I define as a job I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I truly love the feeling that I'm not missing a single moment of watching him grow up; tantrums,tears and all.

So now for your viewing pleasure, the memories we made this week:

Favorite exhibit at Glazer's Childrens Museum

Cutest cashier Publix ever saw!

Sliding down the big boy jungle gym

Weekly Wednesday morning balloon and face painting at the mall

Tough guy coming through!

Life lately

           

It's been two weeks since we moved in. Now I realize what 'settling in' really means. It involves unpacking endless amounts of boxes, hours of organizing/sorting/cleaning only to break for eating ramen noodles until you make a real grocery trip.

Sort of still feels like we are on an extended vacation away from home, but as more nails are put into the walls and more lamps are added to rooms it actually somehow starts to feel like 'home'..I guess.

We still have a lot more to do; we're still sleeping on a mattress on the floor until I can figure out which box has the brackets to assemble our bed. 

One bit of good news is that Ali's room is all set up and my big boy 2.5 year old is sleeping all through the night (most nights) in his own room! Major mashAllah to that. 

So without further delay, here is how life looks lately: 

Before shot of my kitchen.. still a work in progress but we did finally buy groceries yay!

Before shot of Ali's room

And after

that bike is Ali's current obsession

made a first obligatory trip to Ikea and got some cute decor for the 'big boy room'

Bought Groupons for a halal restaurant, Tazza Cafe we've been to twice already! That Louisiana pasta was dee-licious!

 Took Ali to a really nice children's museum in downtown Tampa. He absolutely loved it and my Grouponing found a deal on getting annual membership so lots more trips back here soon!

Right outside the museum is this great park with a lovely view, splash pad and a big playground. 

discovered that 'SAHM' duties require coffee and since I hate the taste, this dollar store find makes it something I look forward to each morning. 

Spent time poolside right across from our apartment..can't say I mind free amenities!

Enjoyed the evening summer activities at Clearwater beach: street performers, craft stands and a gorgeous view of sunset.

Free movies at the beach all year! Ali wasn't a big fan of Babe so we didn't stick around very long.

Attended a massive Food Truck festival, sounded ideal in our minds but in extreme heat/humid weather hour long lines got tiring real fast. 

The best part: rock shrimp tacos and truffle fries at this Portuguese truck BemBom. seriously spicy and amazing.

Planned a trip out to Downtown Disney since it's free and would've been nice as Ali's first Disney experience. He fell asleep in the car and we didn't get to Orlando til 9 pm so we went to the outlet malls instead, so whenAli awoke to ask about Disney, we showed him the next best thing. Disney Store. He loved it. Win Win.

Wajih's coworker threw his daughter a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, another 'first' for Ali. Poor kid didn't know how to contain himself, he was so excited by all the rides and games he would run off to the next one before I'd even drop a token in one.  So it wasn't entirely my fault that I used up all his tokens at whack a mole by myself. 

Started adding some room decor and my mom's beautiful Islamic calligraphy art was the first thing up! 

And the part that makes my days complete: