For my Girls

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From articles my friends are sharing on Facebook here and here, to articles that pop up on my Google News Top reads here, this topic of Self Love and especially the effects of social media has been in my face constantly. And when I saw the picture below on my Tumblr dashboard I could no longer avoid talking about this issue that I can’t take my mind off.   

So girls, I fully anticipate that after you read what I'm about to say some of you will complain and talk to friends/sisters/Twitter followers how this random chick with a cheesy blog thinks she’s all high and mighty preaching to others. I am 110% including myself in the previous sentence of being someone who has done that. But what I'm going to say, I beg you to read with an open mind.

Women are by nature extremely kindhearted, emotional and loving/nurturing. But also, they are often keen on perfectionism, organization and competition. To me all those qualities make up a really wonderful person. But most often we women use these positive traits in the wrong way. 

 

The one common factor I’ve seen across all females regardless of culture or age is an incredible ability to protect and care for everyone else we love. But, often we neglect our own self to such an extreme that it becomes self-deprecating. We do this because we want to avoid being selfish but the irony is you MUST to love yourself to truly love another. And loving yourself is not the same thing as being selfish. If you are genuinely content in your existence it improves your attitude in life, which allows you to become a positive force in the lives of everyone else around you.

Due to our nature, we tend to fixate on having all elements of our life be perfect. When the reality is that we and our lives are far from it. All this perfectionism if not handled moderately begins to create an overcritical self-view. I am not saying it's a bad thing to hold yourself to a higher standard and not accept mediocrity, but be wary not to allow this notion to run so wild that it becomes detrimental to your wellbeing. 

Whether it’s physical appearance, academics or personal ability we can get very disparaging and just plain mean with ourselves! Especially when it is something we can’t totally control, it frustrates us even more. The most common mistake we make when frustrated with ourselves is that we become competitive with others. Competition and perfection are both great traits, in moderation. Women in their lack of self-love, take it to the next level.

 

Via Google Image

Time for some damage control: 

Can you truthfully tell me you have never looked at another girl’s Instagram/Tumblr/Twitter/Facebook/Blog picture and felt envious of her: body, kids, vacations, husband, career, home etc? Was that envy heightened and negatively affected you if those pictures were seen in a moment where you were feeling down about your own life? I’m not saying the blame is on social media because it prompts these feelings, I’m also not saying that social media is entirely blameless. I am saying that we control how much we allow it to affect us. It’s natural to feel envy. When you allow that envy to make yourself feel worse about your own life that is wrong. And when you allow that envy to turn into plain ol' evil that is very wrong! Don't allow the success of someone else to damper your own, use it as fuel for inspiration.

Do you like to ‘keep it real’ and be vocal about your honest thoughts about others all the time? Do your truthful words actually help bring any positive change; are they ‘honestly’ worth saying? If you have to wonder if maybe it’d be better to keep your honesty to yourself for the sake of not hurting another person’s feelings then you’re probably right. Even if it isn't hurting another person and it's just for the sake of conversation, all this critical chatter starts accumulating overtime and it affects your mindset and people's perspective of you. It creates a world where we are constantly scrutinizing each other and never celebrating. If someone is rocking an hairdo you aren't crazy for make an effort to ignore it."If you have nothing nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all." On the other hand find every opportunity to compliment something you DO like!

Do you allow life situations to stress you out? So much that you lose sleep or lash out at others in your life? Sometimes others instigate you, but other times it’s really just emotions that get the best of you making the situation worst. You are not your emotions. Your emotions are real and do occur, but they do not control you.  If you need a moment, take it. Breathe. B R E A T H E. it’s something so simple that has such a profound result. And it’s funny how often we forget to do it. 

Do you like watching reality TV, creating a love/hate relationship with characters portrayed? You can’t help but feel normal beside their catty/crazy personalities. Their lavish unattainable/ unsustainable lifestyles at times leave you wishing you had all that and how you’d handle it with less drama no doubt. Enter unhealthy envy, greed, bitterness, frustration with your own less than perfect life and of course judging other people. I used to be a religious Kardashians viewer. I even got hooked on Mob Wives! It was just too much once I truly saw the unconscious effect on my personality. We are lead by media to believe that an empowered woman is vocal about all her thoughts and lets all her emotions be put on display. Suddenly divas, drama queens and b*tches are words women are okay with using to describe themselves. I realized I no longer want media to dictate who I am to be. Not even the person who judges others for choosing to live differently. If something doesn’t agree with you, remove yourself from it.You will respect yourself for it and others will too.

This past December I participated in a hormone/mood study conducted online. For two months we had to keep a daily log of our mood and also any experiences that affected it. During this time the group leader would send out weekly emails with positive messages about being kind with ourselves, and when our emotions were roaring how we should repeat a mental chant of “I am not my emotions, I will not let this defeat me.” 

Personally, keeping the log didn’t show me anything new. (Yes, I’m more sensitive around my period, aren't we all?) What it did was make me more conscious of my actions. Sort like, "yes I have fluctuations in my hormones which affect my emotions. However, I will not allow my emotions to dictate my mood. I will not allow them to define who I am." Keep a personal journal, it promotes self-reflection. After the study ended, I felt besides being more aware of my emotions what really changed me was the moment I decided I needed to change. Half the task of change is realizing when it is necessary.  You won’t change yourself, your attitude, or your outlook until you resolve to do it.

 

It is so easy to fall into a rut of bitter unhappiness; especially with all the stories in the news thrown at us it seems almost impossible to avoid it. Social media plays a big hand in our perspective because of the immense amount of information it provides us with. But before we turn to it to judge, compete or hate, we need to make a promise to ourselves:

We MUST be merciful. 

We MUST accept our flaws and celebrate our victories. 

We must NOT bring down ourselves OR others. 

We must resolve to become promoters of happiness. 

Only another woman knows what it feels like to go through cycles of hormonal change and the pains that come with it. Only another woman truly understands the HOW strongly we feel emotions or the simultaneous joy/fear of motherhood. Only a woman. So then why do we judge, berate and hold malice towards each other? The only way we can teach our young girls about positive self image, respect and love is if we apply it first ourselves.

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If only we could become aware of the immense amount of power our existence actually holds, we would be able to channel our competitive nature into a craft rather than weapon. Our perfectionism would drive out so much amazing work into this world that there would be no room left for hate, violence, and prejudice. Love yourself, love your sister. We all know the difficulties that come with life, make it easy on yourself and each other. Compliment, encourage, forgive faults and look past grudges. There is so much beauty to be brought into this life, leave no room for anything else.

I leave you with my absolute favorite quote of all time: 

Via Google Image

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A Rough Patch

This morning was tough. My mom who teaches at Ali’s daycare has been out recovering from a health issue, normally he spends his mornings with her in her classroom and doesn’t look twice when I walk out the door. It’s been a difficult few weeks. Weeks that make me realize that having family nearby is SO vital to a positive well-being. Ali loves daycare, but lately he’s been clingy and I’m assuming it’s because now that he’s a 2 year old ‘big boy’ he’s going through a separation anxiety phase where I’m no longer out of sight out of mind. Adding to the fact that we’ve had two long weekends due to holidays where he got mommy overload have not helped.

Separation Anxiety has turned my usual cheerful, outgoing and social child into a bag of tears. Normally, he runs or skips his way through the daycare doors, mentioning the “bleeew” and “reddd” flowers outsides. This morning, he clung to me as we walked in, laying his head on my shoulder. He was not in the mood for his usual chatter, the only word he said was  a quiet plea for Nani as we neared his classroom; where I reminded him that Nani is at home, but he will have fun with Ms. Christine and his buddies today. He nervously took off his coat and gave me his pacifer to put away as Ms. Christine took out his breakfast. I sat him down, kissed his forehead and turned to leave when I heard ‘Ammiiiiii’ behind me. He was not ready to let me go. Oh boy. I sat with him for a bit, watching him eat his first few bites. As another parent walked in to drop off their child, I took this opportunity to make a quick exit. Hoping he wouldn’t notice my absence with the extra bodies crowding the small class room, I dashed out. As I heard the door click behind me I turned to see Ali rushing out of his seat after me wailing ‘Ammiiiiiii’. It wasn’t so much his cries, but the look on his face in that moment. Our eyes locked and the sheer look of having his heart broken, that look of betrayal and rejection was all over his face. Ugh just put dagger through my heart and give it a twist why don’t you? I could hear the cries as I signed the daily attendance sheet in the hallway. Fortunately, within a few short moments it was gone.

What makes this separation anxiety phase so difficult for me is that I remember going through it! I have a weirdly good memory, but I remember being about 2-3 years old and going to a babysitter all day while my mom went back to college for her Early Childhood degree. As an adult now, I realize my mom did something wonderful for herself and for our family, but as a toddler I was miserable all day. I was probably the easiest kid to babysit, because I wouldn’t move from the same spot on the sofa in front of the TV, I didn’t speak and barely ate. The only thing I really remember is being scared of another girl who came to the babysitter too, she was a little older and would push me around to play with her. I didn't want to be her friend, I just wanted my mommy and Pushy Girl's behavior clearly didn’t help my situation. This only lasted a short period I’m assuming, because I remember soon after going to my aunt’s during the day and really enjoying it. She was my mom’s younger sister, so it was like having the next best thing. She never yelled and I could play big sister to my baby cousin. But still, it was not my mom. Shortly after, my mom started working at a preschool and I would go with her. She taught an older age group, but knowing that my mom was in the classroom next door, it’s when my personality finally came out. I became social and enjoyed those drives to and from daycare with mom. Just me and her. Even later on when I was 5, my Dadi and Dada would take care of me before kindergarten. It was nice and gave me fond memories with them but, it was not my mom.

All a small child wants in this stage is his mom, his source of comfort and over whom he can reign freely. His Ammi. I am heartbroken that I cannot give my child that (except on weeknights and weekends). That he has to spend 10 hours, five days a week without me literally brings me to tears, because it as the one thing I also wanted as a young child and here I am doing the same to my own. 

Ali, if you are an adult reading this one day. Know that those days when you didn’t want Ammi to leave you, they were just as tough on her too. Know that when you cried as she shut the classroom door in your tiny adorable face, she got back into her car and gulped down tears of her own. Surah Ya Sin. That’s the surah Ammi had to listen to while driving to work. Because, my mom, your Nani, had told me that it is considered the Heart of the Quran, and the only thing to try mending my broken heart this morning was hearing recitations from the Heart itself.

Also, we must be thankful for all the kindness in our lives. We are lucky that Nani lives so close by we can visit her whenever we like, and soon she’ll be back at school with you. Know that Ms. Christine, like all your teachers will be inshAllah, is a wonderful caring woman who takes SUCH good care of you when I can’t be around and had a hand in shaping you into the man you are today. She was patient as you cried and comforted you when you felt sad. We must always find the positive in every difficult situation. We must find what is to be learned from it and how we can grow better from it.You are a strong and resilient boy, your teacher reassures me you play fine the rest of the day, those cries are soon forgotten. But there are those moments I worry that these memories will damage you. I fear it will create feelings of rejection and anxiety within you. I pray hard that they don’t make you resentful towards me or towards any future siblings who may take my attention away from you even more. I'm relying on the same hope my mother probably had, that one day you will grow up and realize why I had to do what I did, for the betterment of our family. And that it never ever meant that I love you any less.

 As a Muslim, we are taught that God loves us 70x more than a mother loves her children. I finally get it. The gravity of that notion. We selfishly demand God's attention, we fight with Him when he doesn't grant us what we want. We hold grudges for years and don't talk to Him. All because we are needy like a child and feel resentful that He deprived us of his love somehow, whether it be by denying us the things we desire or giving us difficult life situations to tackle. Becoming a mom grants a view from the other side of the lense. Everything comes full circle. 

Loving my child has taught me how to love God the way he deserves to be loved, because it allows me to understand Him. Knowing what it is to love selflessly, we cry when our child cries. Your pain is worse than any of my own. And, the pain of knowing that it is my actions which caused your tears, that is an injury I wish upon no one. But those tears shed are necessary to make successful, confident and sociable individuals who will one day repeat the same cycle. And hopefully, they too will know Him and what it is to love Him. 








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What this storm is all about

Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white

sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.

― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

Quite a bit happened from the last time I wrote here. We had a little event last Tuesday called Hurricane Sandy. Just a little gust of wind and a couple drops of rain. No big deal. YEAH RIGHT. My family and I were some of the VERY fortunate ones and we only lost power for 4-5 days. Besides dealing with lack of heat, hot water and no cell reception we didn’t suffer any loss at all. Lots of people near the Jersey shore, Hoboken, Staten island and other towns in NY dealt with major damages like flooding and harm to their homes, cars and sadly even lives. The entire week was a major shock of reality that at any given moment life as you know it can change so count your blessings.

It was also a big reminder that we live in a great nation. Our mayor took to Twitter almost immediately and began answering questions and addressing problems of down trees in neighborhoods. Comfort stations were set up in locations which did have power for people to charge their electronics, take a hot shower or simply enjoy the heated shelter. It was frustrating not knowing when power would be restored, but it was comforting to know that officials were working hard and continuously to restore life back to normalcy. Our township arranged a Trunk or Treat event over the weekend since the hurricane occurred too close to actual Halloween and roads weren’t safe for children to be out. It was a wonderful idea since the kids really did need a positive change from all the chaos that had been ensuing all week. A week later now, most people we know have had their power restored, lines at gas stations no longer have 4 hour wait times (Governor Christie instated a ration system which helped but also less generators are being used so demand has gone down too), and most importantly, the in pour of help to locations who desperately need it is amazing.

My husband and I plan on joining an organization this weekend who is working with the Red Cross in setting up shelters in disaster struck locations. I feel so guilty for complaining about anything I endured when I see entire towns completely under water, homes swept away and lives lost. The very least we can do is pray for them, and a little better is to roll up our sleeves and help them recover.

 

Today also is an important day for me for two reasons. My Nana (maternal grandfather) passed away 2 years ago today and as an American it is also Election day. Those two events are totally unrelated but combined they created emotions in me that somehow relate. Remembering my Nana reminds me of the kind of person he was and the memories he left us with. Memories we will cherish forever. Thinking about him reminds me that one day I too will be 6 feet under, and makes me wonder how do I want my posterity to remember me? Sandy was just another wake up call that life can be taken at any moment and all that remains is for the ones left behind to pick up the pieces and put them back together. I want to change myself so when people pick up the pieces of what I leave behind they are filled with pride to have been a part of my life. I truly wish to help others, not just with my money and my words but with my time and efforts. I intend to become an active member of my community, for example by voting for officials in my town and state and on a large scale for my nation’s president. My governor and mayor made me proud this week and I will continue to support them. I hope to do things within my community that actually make a difference. I want my grandchildren someday to remember their Nani not just for her love for high heels, chocolate, Cinderella, and a crazy obsession with handbags. I truly hope to change myself to be a generous person. A person whose essence is kind and giving. Often times we only help others when it is convenient for us or when it serves our ego, but it’s another thing to just make that generosity a part of your nature. It becomes what you are doing all the time without even realizing it. I want giving/kindness to become natural to me, not something I take time out to do. We have a few brief moments in this place, let’s spend them doing something wonderful.

Look here to see what I wrote about the last election and what it signified to me.