A new chapter

But what do you do, if that last chapter is unforgettable? 

Earlier this summer I was given the chance to reflect on myself as a child. I found one thing that's been with me always is a strong love for writing. This love stems from a part of me I call The Storyteller. 

The girl who has tons to say because she loves to share experiences with others. Sharing stories helps us relate to one another, to realize that we're all really fighting the same battles, despite different faces and different experiences, inwardly our souls are all the same.

We all have a pretty tough time with change, and an even tougher time tackling closure. I've had to do both this summer. 

In my last week in NJ my Nani (mom's mom) passed away. It wasn't a total surprise, but she was healthy just a few weeks/month earlier so it did hit us hard. Why it really hit us all was, because Nani's always been such a central part of our family. Nothing brought her more joy than all her kids and grand kids all in one place, happy together.

My husband shared some simple yet wonderful words with my sisters and me to make us realize how so much is passed on from generation to generation.

'Nana and Nani were the glue that bonded your wonderful khandaan (extended family) together and now you have their memories with which to uphold that bond. Mom is a true embodiment of what Nani has passed down, her nature, her joyous personality and her 'Spartan Warrior' attitude. All of you sisters have a piece of her in you so treasure that and hope to pass on some of that to the next generation.' 

I see it now. One major part of my Nani's personality that anyone can tell you is she made friends effortlessly everywhere she went, never hesitating to help someone even if it was to share tips/stories and fun chatter. Thats just how my mom is, and I suppose thats where my storyteller/extrovert side comes from too.

Thinking of all this, another trait of my mom's that I've inherited is our emotional strength.  A general image of women always shows that we cry easily, that we weakly succumb to our emotions. Not my mom and I. We focus all our energy on what needs to get done and find every means possible to avoid confrontation with how deeply our emotions affect us. I don't like crying publicly, it doesn't mean I'm not scared sad or anxious, I just don't find it productive to spend time crying about something I can't change. Some of my most productive hours are when I'm feeling upset, in fact this entire summer was more productive than many past years have been! 

So the days now when I miss home, mom, Nani, sisters, friends and everything that's familiar to me, I remind myself of the tools my past has given me; a positive upbeat spirit that keeps on keeping on. 

I know I'll make new friends in due time, Nani wouldn't have it any other way. And I know when nostalgia is striking hard I'll find loads of laundry and dirty dishes that need to be tended to. 

The 19 hr drive down from NJ to FL had many moments where I was quiet in my glum thoughts of an amazing past chapter. Most people leave their hometown when they first start college or get married, yet here Iam doing it 5 years into marriage and 2.5 into motherhood. But a part of me was still not ready to let go. Then, we stopped somewhere in Georgia and I got my first real taste of southern sweet tea, it came with some free advice I couldn't help but think my Nani was sharing with me:

Finding Me.

One of the personal goals I had set for myself recently was to get more in touch with my inner self. Marriage, motherhood, a job; they all sort of cloud us with daily responsibilities and as much as that self defines our being so does the self that existed prior to all those roles/duties.

Back at the end of June, in my attempt to rid our place of unnecessary items, I convinced my mom to also empty out her attic so we could do a joint garage sale.The best thing to come out of the sale was that we found many old items brimmed with precious memories.

I felt like a treasure hunter who had uncovered a goldmine in those boxes and boxes of old pictures, flooding back memories of my cheerful childhood. I found old scrapbooks and slam books from middle school, stirring up memories of 7th grade where my best friends and I would pass back and forth a composition book filled with our daily woes. Woes that seem so silly now. The irony will never escape me of how we came upon that past which so quietly sat up in the attic for years, just in time for me to say goodbye. All owed to that useless garage sale, how I owe it so much.

My sister also found my old school agenda books and told me I had a creepy obsession with documenting every single day of my life. Literally, I would write down what we did everyday throughout the summer. I had been doing this on and off since I probably learned how to write in 1st-2nd grade.

It made me realize that I'm someone who truly cherishes memories a lot. I love writing them down, even the daily mundane things we did as a way to capture it. To me, the 'now' was so special I was certain I would come back to it one day in the future and be thankful for everything I wrote down. We all love to glorify the past, in our mind it becomes nothing short of rosy. Memories of high school days, college life and those early years of marriage pre-parenthood; thinking back to those times we're left with a glazed look and a nostalgic grin. What I'm realizing now is that my past, these past 18 years of life in this town has truly been a memory that I will not over glorify, it is a memory I cannot cherish enough!

It's time to say goodbye to a massive chapter in my Life book. Our apartment has been emptied, keys turned over.  Meanwhile, mail has already started arriving at our new address and boxes have been moved in eagerly awaiting their owners. For the past two months I haven't allowed myself to be consumed with the reality of how quickly this chapter was ending. I couldn't deal with it, I had an apartment to pack up, full time job to perform, movers to contact, and a two year old to appease among all these changes. Now, with my IPhone reminder telling me we have 5 days 7 hours and 45 mins until we officially leave NJ I have decided to allow myself to feel reality. 

I'm leaving behind not just my family and close friends who I will severely struggle to live without, I'm leaving behind everything I've ever known. Everything that made me who I am. I'm grateful to have had the past few months to appreciate these 'good old times', to be given the opportunity for closure and experience immense love from so many of the amazing people I am fortunate to call my own. As I  wonder what this next chapter has in store for us, my heart aches for all that I leave behind.

 I know I will march on and so will this place without me. While we will go on living and doing what we do,  I also know both of us will never be the same. Our past is forever intertwined, and so are we.

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"Sabr" pronounced like "summer" but with a B.

Arabic/Urdu for 'Patience'.

“Patience does not mean to passively endure. It means to be farsighted enough to trust the end result of a process. What does patience mean? It means to look at the thorn and see the rose, to look at the night and see the dawn. Impatience means to be shortsighted as to not able to see the outcome. The lovers of God never runs out of patience, for they know that time is needed for the crescent moon to become full.” - 40 Rules of Love, Elif Shafaq

I find myself constantly reminding my two-year-old to wait,  "sabr". He's always asking me for things, usually 'needing' them immediately. And sometimes I just can't give them to him, because for one reason or another it's not available right away. I'm trying so hard to teach him that he can't always have things how he wants them when he wants them, but I just learned a real life lesson on it myself.

I had a bit of a health scare and all I could do was wait it out. I was in a lot of pain, going through different tests and all I could do was wait for those results to come in and tell me that everything was normal, yet the hardest thing for me was the physical pain (which was pretty bad!) but the agony of waiting.

Sometimes when we're being told to wait it feels as if we're being punished for doing something wrong. We don't understand what it is we did to deserve this and why we are having to suffer a punishment. The reality is that we're not being scolded or disciplined. We are simply being taught a lesson that we really need to learn and that is, in my case, to be patient.

I was taught (yet again) that you MUST have faith above all. Have faith that things are meant for a reason and they will occur as they are destined. As much as you stress, fret, and agonize nothing will change the outcome. So, learn to do your best and then leave it up to fate.

It's been a tough couple of weeks. Funny thing is it feels like a century since my husband has been gone, but in reality it's only been two months and this month sure has felt extremely long.

 Remember that chronic worrier girl I talked about earlier? She had been back big time. I was getting impatient and ungrateful. I was focused on everything being so negative. How upset I was about all the change to come in my life and how lonely I felt without my husband. I worried that I had so much to get done and yet felt nothing was progressing. I was totally not appreciating having my family nearby to make things easier. This experience taught me how much I seriously MUST value all the loving people I have in my life. Additionally, I learned that I have an extremely difficult time asking for help. I also learned that I don’t always consciously know when I’m stressed out, but stress and my body have a terrible relationship.

It wasn't even the part of being a full-time working mother to an energetic toddler trying handling all the single-parent duties. Nor was it about trying to sell all our furniture and items or researching apartments in our new town OR contacting movers and setting up meetings to get an estimate.

It was truly just the suffering of being impatient and allowing myself to become frustrated at everything not  progressing as I wanted it to that affected my health. It is pretty amazing how when we are not strong internally our body reflects it externally, leaving us no choice but to slow down and focus on what is most important.

Before all that happened, I remember thinking how spiritually distant I felt and I actually had a moment where I thought to myself ‘God I promise I’m going to fix this when I have time; once I’m done w this crazy period in life I’ll make more effort to get back that spiritual mojo, but right now I just can’t focus on it. I've got too much going on’. WELL, God had some other plans. 

I was reminded to have faith that God is on your side. He sometimes tests you and pushes you to your limit and inevitably that happens when you think you least need it. Truth is, it happens because you need it pretty bad.  I was forced to stay home, to rest, and to ask for help. During those horrible days of waiting for test results where I couldn't tell my family, because I didn't want to worry them unnecessarily I reconnected with an old friend who helped me in so many ways she will never know. We were both going through some difficult moments and the irony of how we were brought together at a time when we could support of each other was amazing. We both encouraged each other to have faith. 

Life will never be void of it's troubles, everyone has their own. You cannot wait for the perfect moment to find time for your soul. Especially as you grow older, more and more responsibilities demand your attention, grabbing you away. Find even small bits to feed your soul each day; to be thankful, to be aware of His immensity and know that you run on His time. He does not run on yours. Acknowledge that you and your troubles are only a small portion of the immensity.

via Tumblr

I forgot to mention that Ramadan started a midst all this change. With everything going on Ali hasn't been his usual self either. Since iftar time is so late, he's going to bed later than his usual bedtime and he's also missing his father a lot; all of which leads to him being clingy, cranky and putting up a fight about pretty much everything. Again, it isn't always easy. I'm learning easy just isn't in the books for me right now. And that is okay, but when I do encounter moments of 'easy' I am quick to say a silent thank you. We've wrapped up our apartment and our last few weeks in NJ are being spent at my parents. I am really enjoying being home with my family, plus Ali loves the constant attention from his Nani Nana and Khala. And while I sometimes can't help worry that they're spoiling him rotten (lol they really are!), the way I see it he's building some of the best memories of his childhood right now. Memories he will grow up and cherish, possibly when the people in those memories may be very far away. :( So I've been tired, lacking food, sleep and energy. But the best part of all this struggle during Ramadan is that the one thing I'm not lacking is spirit.

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Words and Boundaries

Things we already know sometimes when realized in a moment of clarity can be so shocking. You may know many things, but  you may not realize them all.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back. You can try and wish them undone, but still your mouth cannot take them back in in nor can they be unheard from your ears. Some words are much better left unsaid and only felt. Other times, words are the only thing lacking and with them everything is complete.

After Wajih left, whenever we spoke to him on the phone I had Ali say " I love you, I miss you!" and being my little perfect parrot he would repeat those words methodically, not really grasping the meaning. A few days later, we attended a family BBQ where Ali got to spend time with his cousins. The kids were in the pool to cool off on an insanely hot day and  per usual, the Dads were in charge to supervise them. Upon seeing everyone with their Daddies, I saw the wheels turn in Ali's adorable 2 year old brain as he turned to me with that look of sadness and concern in his eyes asking "Where's MY Baba? Ammi, where's Ali's Baba?" Ugh. broke my heart. 'Baba is coming back soon baby.' And inshallah he is. (He will be with us for 4th of July weekend and we are beyond excited!) Up until that moment Ali hadn't actually voiced how he missed his father, how he sensed the lack of his presence. Of course it was obvious to me as I  could see the change in his behavior. He knew something was missing from his life, but being a toddler who is still learning his way around words and how to express his emotions he never actually talked about how the lack of his father made him feel. In that moment, I felt his emotions. It was how in his limited toddler capacity, my child was expressing what it is to miss someone you love.

I'm trying hard to teach him how to use words to voice his feelings because it's important to learn how to cope with life experiences the right way. Many people never talk about how they feel because it makes them uncomfortable to break that barrier. It's the mentality of
'if I don't talk about it, it won't be real'. I see many people struggling with their life situations using this method, because while it may help you get by it won't help you get beyond. There's a difference in getting by and getting beyond. Once you do talk about it you are forced to cope with that reality, to accept it and move on. Without ever expression of feelings, you still cope but not always the best way possible, such as with tantrums or displacing the feelings into frustration/anger/depression. I'm still working as best I can to show my young child that its okay to be sad or to miss someone but it's not okay to display that feeling with rage or outside the boundaries of social etiquette.

On a different note, words were recently spoken, ones I wish weren't said. Because now I cannot be unknown to them anymore. I had thought it true all along in my head; but words, they turned that thought to reality. Before they were spoken there was a boundary that now penetrated, changed many things. Overall, it actually changed nothing because the words reflected events occurred in the past, and that past cannot be undone. So these words do nothing but create discomfort now. I'm realizing more with age that while expression is important, not necessarily every emotion or every thought we have need be expressed. If the lack of words is creating misunderstanding then of course they are crucial to bring clarity. Or in Ali's case, if used as a means to express feelings that will be solidified if spoken, then I agree they are necessary. Words spoken or written carry very real power. I am learning the importance of how to handle that power so it is used to strengthen, not weaken.

For someone like me, the hardest is to know when not to use them. It's pretty much a fact that I over speak/write,  and I often worry if this extra chatter leads others to not take me seriously. I wonder if the over speak causes some important words to be left unheard. I'm trying to scale back, it isn't easy for a Chatty Cathy like me. But I do realize we need to know when to allow gestures and actions to display what need not be spoken. Mastering that skill is one I may take my entire life doing. Mostly, I hope to be wise enough to teach Ali this important lesson. Use your words, use them tactfully. many times, the right words can make a world of difference. But many other times, its what you do not say that means everything.

The strange thing about habits

It’s so strange how a habit forms. You start out not being familiar with something at all, it feels awkward and foreign the first time around. Then slowly, without realizing it, you are able to adjust it into your routine. The habit of going to school/work/ waking up next to someone/holding your newborn baby in your arms all bring about the same feeling the first time around. The initial moment of change is an indescribable feeling. Whether it is something good or bad; the only word that comes to mind is ‘Strangeness’. Yet, by the second experience you already can detect the feeling of unfamiliarity/uncertainty leaving you. That's what I'm going through right now.

When we first talked of moving, about Wajih leaving first while I stayed back here with Ali I knew it would be a huge change. I understood that it would not be easy, but a big part of me was just not ready to let go of my life as of that moment, especially not the habit of my routine. So I was entirely on board with the idea of living apart for 3 months heck maybe even 6, while Wajih settled into his new job and became oriented with the new location. In my mind nothing for me was changing in those few months, aside from the difficulty of being distant from my love. But I shrugged it off, thinking all relationships can use some healthy time apart. I could finally enjoy time out with my girlfriends or do some activities alone that I would put off before due to spending all my time with him.

The first two days were just plain strange! I was with my own family, my sisters and parents, yet I felt something was completely a miss. I clung to Ali as taking care of him was the only source of familiarity of life prior to. (Ali on the other hand was loving the little vacay we were having at Nani’s house; he didn’t asked for his father until day 3 or 4). At first I didn't even want to be in my apartment, because it reminded me too much of life before all this. Of weekends where and I got to sleep in, while Ali watched Superman cartoons with his Dad. Of weeknights "you watch him while I cook dinner, then I'll bath him while you clean up' routines which ended in us collapsing on the couch, me falling asleep on his shoulder as we attempted to catch up on TV sitcoms. Sigh, such a boring life we led. Yet, for all those same reasons, my apartment was also the only place I wanted to be; clinging to those moments. Crazy, I know.

Changing habits is hard, but the funny part of human nature is how quickly we adapt. When I first sold off our bookshelf and kitchen table, seeing our place with them missing was so weird. Now it’s as if my eyes have become accustomed to seeing piles of cardboard boxes and the toaster on the kitchen floor is no longer out of place. My only initial concern about this arrangement was how I’d deal with 'single mom life’. However, just two weeks in and Ali and I are bonding amazingly! The meal/bed/bath time routines are somehow seamless. I am even able to quench the “I don’t wanna leave the park” tantrum fairly quickly. ALL BY MYSELF. (Dear God please let me not be speaking too soon). I like to believe it’s the Big guy throwing me a bone while I still figure all this out. But I’m pretty sure it’s my attitude too.

I'm throwing myself in head first with this transition. I am resolved to not let this feeling of strangeness turn me unpleasant or exasperated. I have cleaned, organized, and made more progress on my 'To Do' lists these two weeks than I have in the past many years! I've set goals to do some healthy eating, hardcore exercising, and soul purifying during this phase of my life's new chapter. I realized that if I try to cling to ways of my routine before, it wasn’t long before I'd fall into a severe rut of unhappiness, is so easy to fall into that place when you are faced with a new experience outside of your comfort level. Lucky for me, I keep reminding myself that this is short-term. I am refocusing my emotions toward setting small weekly goals and spending as much time as I can with my parents before I will be a 3 hour plane ride (instead of 3 mins) away :( .

Some great advice I was given: “It is not easy for anyone to adjust to a big move, to become accustomed with a new place takes time. It will be awhile until you are familiar with roads and a different lifestyle but the truth is soon enough that will be your life and everything before it will be just a memory. So enjoy this transition for what it is; the time in between the old and the new.”
 
That advice held so much truth in it.  It reminded me how I got out of 'pre-married life' or 'pre-baby' habits. I had the engagement period before my wedding to transition into that new chapter just the same way 9 months of pregnancy is a transition into motherhood. Its like experiencing the future and the now at the same time. Sort of. The hard truth is,  life as it was isn't coming back. But that doesn't mean what's to come won't be even better. Accept change, accept the initial awkwardness. Set small goals. Take the time to tie up loose ends and say proper goodbyes. Most of all be thankful.

In this short time I realized that one mode I don't want to adjust to.. is life without my best friend. The bathroom is too clean and the fridge is missing a few 100 packs of assorted chocolates.Without you around I waste too much time on Facebook I sleep too late I yell less and eat less (shocker, so it is possible!). And it turns out I can actually throw out the garbage and even killed a bug all by myself. Sigh. I realize I can live without you, but truth be told, I would never ever want to.  

May I never have to live without my best friend unwillingly. And may change always be for the better. Ameen.

Sunshine on a cloudy day - Inspirational Monday

If I have learned only one thing about marriage it is this: 

Source: http://www.9quote.com/

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"There is nothing permanent except Change"

"Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore." - Andre Gide

"The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance." - Alan Watts

Must keep telling myself this!

Readers and dear friends I am about to embark on a big change. It's funny how news like this works when you're a grown up. My bigger challenge has been how do you tell people? Do you call them up or do you wait for them to call you and then casually drop the news? But honestly, no one really calls anyone anymore! So then, do you do the new age thing and send a totally impersonal mass text "Hey everyone, guess what? We are moving!" to everyone in your contact list? Or worst, do you announce it on Facebook? I really thought about it, then I thought about it some more and I just decided anyone who actually cares about my life will somehow find out and if they REALLY care about my life, then they'll read my blog ;)

 I've spent nearly my entire life on the east coast, a true Jersey girl born and raised. But after 18 years of living in the same town, my life is about to start a whole new chapter. The hubster has gotten a great career opportunity down south (alhumdulillah); its the kind of opportunity we had been praying about for a while! Of course life works in funny ways and you often get what you want, just not how/when you want it. Ironic how I have always known that and even wrote about it here. So right now I'm trying and be grateful for this opportunity, despite the immense amount of emotions it brings.

Like most all humans I am not too fond of change, especially the emotions that come along with it. I have been coping with this news how I do best: by making lists, doing research and pouring myself into the figuring out logistics rather than accepting the reality that in a few short months my life will be totally altered!

So much is about to change I really don't know how else to go about it. I want to be excited, to look forward to all that this new chapter in our lives will have to offer, but it's difficult. Knowing that I won't be a 5 minute drive from my mom's place or even stupid things like finding a new eyebrow lady (ugh I really do love Humaira, does anyone else understand my pain of HOW hard it is to find a good eyebrow lady?!) or making new friends! There's so much to take for granted when you get comfortable in one spot. I guess this will be a good lesson on how to deal with the uncomfortable! 

 Plus I suppose I'm fortunate that I have a few months to wrap my head around this whole ordeal and to say my final good byes! One thing is for sure, expect A LOT more blogging once I'm there, since I'll no longer be a working mama, I might actually be able to devote more time to this space!

Just realized how true the quote above is in my situation, I really will be discovering new oceans. From the Atlantic to the Gulf of Mexico! The murky waters of the Jersey shore will no longer be a familiar sight, but I suppose it won't be too difficult getting used to the glistening turquoise hues of Florida beaches either ;) 

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