Autumn activities

It's official, I am in love with Autumn! Fall wardrobes, festivities, and even spiced Chai (which I never cared for before and now am making regularly!) they're all way too much fun and I can't wait until Halloween next week to dress up Ali! Last year he was only 10 months around Halloween and ended up being so tired after the costume parade at his daycare he fell asleep, so we did not take him trick or treating. This year I am so looking forward to taking him out! Also, last year I threw a costume party which I was hoping to turn into an annual event (we did one in 2008 as well), but  honestly it's a lot of effort so I'm sticking to making it a triennial bash! I know, I  enjoy getting into all seasonal activities a weeee more than your average person, (can't wait til winter: hot cocoa, snowman-shaped sugar cookies, gingerbread houses, holiday made for tv movies, fleece pajamas, and going around town to see the most decorated houses!!) but I just can't help it! So we're taking full advantage of fact that we live in an area with amazing foliage and before the weather gets too cold for outdoor activities we've been taking Ali out almost every weekend for some autumn fun! It's a lot more enjoyable this year as he's more interactive and so curious to see, touch, (sometimes even taste!) everything around him.

We went to a barnyard birthday party this weekend and it was a wonderful fall activity. Ali had his first pony (actually a horse) ride, which he didn't seem to care for. We weren't sure if it was because he had just woken from a nap or if he really wasn't as stoked as we were, but he was about as interested in the experience as most people are in watching water boil. What actually got me laughing was to see that he found the rocking horses set up inside the barn way more thrilling. He was squealing with excitement riding on the fake horse (sort of like how we were expecting on the real one) and spent majority of the party there we literally had to drag him out at the end. It was also his first time at a petting zoo with baby goats, bunnies, pigeons, a huge pig, cows, sheep, llamas, emu, and roosters. Needless to say, all the practicing of 'farm animal sounds' was put to good use this weekend. The next day the weather was really gorgeous out again so we took him out to the park for a stroll and had him identify all the bright colors ('wed' and 'yeyyow' are a favorite. we're still working on 'orange'). But, I think his favorite activity all weekend was when his dad threw him in the air. I swear the look on this child's face let me know what inspired JM Barrie to write Peter Pan! Here's a glimpse at our fall activities so far:

Desi Guys I am putting you on blast

In my opinion, there are several underlying issues concerning the modern day South Asian male* (here on out, you are referred to as Desi. Those who don’t know what that means, urban dictionary it). But, the root of all those problems I believe should be called the 'Peter Pan' syndrome. I’m not sure if this has already been named before and I'm totally copyright infringing, but it just fits so well!

From Google Image: Dammit I knew I wasn't creative enough to come up with this word!

You don’t want to grow up simply because why should you if you don’t have to? You’ve gotten by so far by being just average and it’s worked pretty decent in your favor so why bother aiming higher? I see all these over grown boys walking around who are enjoying the perks of being an adult while getting away with behaving like a child, lacking responsibility and having a blasé outlook. So, I took it upon myself, in my visionary attempts of rectifying this occurrence (sarcasm), to blow up your spot. If you are male, between 23-32 years old, possibly single, still living and relying on your parents this may be about you. Rest assured I am aware, you ‘don’t care’ and you might be too lazy to even bother trying since this is too long and you’ll probably lose interest. But I will add a disclaimer that this is a broaaaad generalization. Any sensible person would agree I’m generalizing, as each person is unique and no two guys will ever be the same, but I’m trying to BROADLY define what’s wrong with desi guys and why they need to clean up their act! ;)

I’m focused on the desi male population raised in the US, as I interact more closely with them than I do with their non-desi counterparts and based on what interaction I do have with the non-desis (I sit with ten white males 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in an open office environment) I’d still say our desi men are lagging behind their fair skinned pals.

Peter Pan Syndrome, PPS, appears in Desi men due to a combination of factors and is displayed by clear signs listed below:

1)       Upbringing. These guys are of a generation born to traditionally conservative parents who migrated from abroad and wanted to give their children a ‘better’ life than they had while preserving a culture they cherish. While they focused heavily on the importance of academic success, Desi parents neglected to teach their offspring** basic skills in responsibility. Males in most Desi homes are given special treatment requiring little to no involvement in household chores. This creates a very lazy individual who thinks all small tasks are beneath him because he’s too ‘busy’ working towards more ‘important’ things. So while these boys are intelligent in school, give most of them a  mop and see how quickly they try to drop it. Besides, mops belong in the hands of a woman anyway, right? (chauvinism and superiority complexes being among the top gifts your great grandfather left you in his will). But, my point isn’t about the lack of helping around the house (maybe a little bit), it’s about having accountability in day to day activities. You want to be a well-liked leader of the house or in the office? Start acting like one. Leaders have responsibilities, even small ones, and always ‘delegating’ them to others paints an image of you being arrogant and uncaring. Keep it up and see how fast your 'minions’ revolt!

Back to Desi parents, along with focusing too much on education, they tend not to be advocates of playing team sports at a young age (due to factors such as cheapness and time away from studies).  I realize more and more the importance of team sports as I grow up. It teaches one to have goals, to work hard for those goals, to keep trying to be better, as well as the value of physical activity and most importantly, it teaches failure. Desi men don't accept when they have failed, simply because they are sore losers who never learned how to cope with failure. They would rather sit there (due to laziness) and tell you how to play the game (due to their superiority complex) than to admit they’ve never played or to try and play it now. Furthermore, sports put a strong emphasis on collaboration, and the responsibility of each team member. Displaying how it literally takes the efforts of each group member to win and shows how that the QB is nothing without his whole team. This can be applied in almost every aspect of life; work, school, family, religion, government, etc.

Lastly, what sets the current Desi male apart from the generations before them is that most of our fathers were very young when they were sent to foreign countries to make something of themselves, at times expected to support a large family back home. It's the whole concept of sending boys into the woods to make men out of them, and I believe it works. Even if while figuring things out on their own with no one to guide them they made wrong choices, they still learned the importance of standing up for something and owning their mistakes by having to resolve them all on their own. Desi boys of the 90’s lost out on this opportunity. Again, this stems from a childhood of having conservative parents who made most of your decisions for you or simply never included you in any decision making process. Typical of desi families, when you aren’t sent out of the house to live on your own your mom is still making your bed, cleaning your clothes, cooking your meals and your dad is still deciding what health/car insurance you’ll have and college you will attend (and paying for it too!). You might think these are small insignificant choices made for you, but you’ll quickly see that when you lack ability of making small decisions the big ones become even more challenging. Being out on your own teaches you to make choices, right or wrong. Desi guys nowadays don’t even try making decision, they are far too comfortable with that being done for them and fear of failure hinders any attempts. Sometimes you have to jump into the murky waters to figure out what lies there, only fate will tell whether it’s a monster or a mermaid but I’m certain you won’t know if you never try jumping.

2)       Society. To their parents much dismay, Desi boys grew up in a western influence and have acquired a laid back, lazy outlook. They seemed to have taken on the “I don’t care” mentality of American youth, yet conveniently neglected to catch on to the ambitious American mindset. Growing up heavily influenced by MTV and video games coupled with the increased use of internet promoted an idle and unsympathetic attitude. Spending all afternoon fighting monsters on a computer does not make you a superhero. When your actions don’t have any serious repercussions, you are learning zilch about real world scenarios. You can know all the theory out there, but until you can pass a practical exam how useful is your knowledge? This “I don’t care’ attitude may work as a kid when you can just reset the game, but as a grown up, you damn well better care!

You should care if this is the 3rd time you’ve ‘misplaced’ your phone and the battery is dead so you have no way of finding it, because you were too careless to charge it on time. Or if your car stops on the side of the highway at 2 am, because you were too ‘relaxed’ about filling up gas sooner. Or if you get a flat tire, making you late to an important job interview all because you were too thoughtless about getting the tire checked three months ago when you first noticed it was leaking air! It shows you are irresponsible and reckless with valuables in life. You might think ‘it’s not a big deal and it could happen to anyone’, but ironically, it’s always happening to you. And maybe when it’s just affecting you it’s not that serious, but what about when you have a family? What is this teaching your own child who watches daddy’s ‘calm and laid back’ attitude? That it is okay if he keeps screwing up? That others will probably get ahead of him in life, because he was too uncaring about these ‘minor’ things in life. You might brush minor things off with your ‘who cares’ attitude, but over time that attitude spills over onto major issues and when that happens you begin losing out on big opportunities. Desi boys need to reevaluate this ‘cool boy’ demeanor.  Teach your son that its great to be laid back in certain situations but a real superhero, instead of one in the video games, actually physically DO work like fix things (ON TIME) and they give a crap about the important things in life like getting an education, job and building a family. They have goals and they work HARD to get things done, doing them promptly!

So basically, a huge facet is this hybrid of Desi roots in a non Desi environment. But the somewhat surprising fact is that Desi girls were largely saved from this dilemma. Desi girls have always come up stronger than their male counterparts because given their cultural background they were equally as strong academically, but as females they were NOT lazy, so they graduated on time, got a decent job and by 27 are in a managerial role therefore earning better than male counterparts and beyond ready for marriage (especially by Desi standards). Yet they have no suitable mates as all the Alpha males are already nabbed by rishta-hunting aunties who paired them with the optimal Desi girl (22 svelte, and freshly out of college), so most single guys left are the Beta males suffering from PPS. When I chitchat with other Desi girls we find there is an unending list of guys who didn’t know or care about what they were doing in college, graduated late and thus are now behind in the workforce. They are doing mediocre entry level jobs that pay the bills, but they are not ‘go-getters’. Now they’re 26-28 years old and just starting to get on track, but still seriously lagging behind in being ready to settle down. No, this is not all about marriage, it’s about making you the best darn man you can be and marriage is an important facet of that.

Essentially, Desi guys are not all that terrible, they are courteous, witty (Desis are naturally blessed with a sense of humor, no deny it), academically advanced, and boy do they know how to win a girl’s heart. (It’s all that Bollywood cinema they were pretending not to watch as a kid) They just have a few key areas that could use some serious improvement. All the laziness and lack of responsibility is preventing guys from achieving at their real potential. What this does is make them lag behind as strong leaders; it hinders success, and deters them from having any real goals and accomplishments. You know what makes a Desi girl proudest? Seeing a Desi guy who succeeds. One who succeeds both professionally and personally. So guys, Get your act together!

Although this has nothing to do with him, Aziz Ansari is one of my favorite 'desi' guys on TV! Funny desi boys, we love you.

*you know you’re really just overgrown boys, and that is what you should be called!

** This is where the Desi female lucked out (we didn’t think so at the time), but most females were required to help their mothers with all the tedious housekeeping tasks, to make us more marketable as the optimal Desi girl. So we ended up learning how to scrub toilets, vacuum carpets and set tables for dinner parties. Along the way we basically learned how to do things on our own when mom wasn't around and we learned the repercussions of doing it wrong too (Desi mom punishments make Japanese water boarding look like a slap on the wrist). And let's be honest, girls are naturally better than boys ;)

 

To the citizens of Self.

There’s this part of me, this self-absorbed materialistic part that so badly would love to own a classic quilted lambskin Chanel 2.55 bag. Do you know how much this bag costs? It’s insane. The sad part is, I can afford it. Not even a second hand from eBay but a real one, without making a significant dent in my saving either. Isn’t it crazy? There are people in this world lacking basic necessities and I am able to sit here and spend my time mulling over what handbag I would love to have next.

The simple fact that these luxuries exist and they create desires in the common person to possess them baffles me. Baffle. My husband laughs, but I tell him how sometimes when I sit and think about the world we live in I’m simply baffled. There is no better way to describe it.

Relating to this topic, I’ve started watching this HumTV drama Shehr-e-Zaat (I believe it means City of Self). Initially I thought why am I bothering? I could not in the least bit relate to the protagonist, a pretentious girl from a wealthy family who is a fine arts student in college. She finds a guy who looks exactly like the sculpture she’s been making and falls madly (when I say madly, I mean like cuckoo for cocoa puffs kind of mad) in love with him. She has never been like this before, usually it’s her that is being pursued all the time and now she’s stalking down this guy, meanwhile he is not all that fazed by her. She’s even got this ‘Boy next door’ buddy who’s head over heels for her, but she’s too much in love with Sculpture Guy to pay him any mind. The show is still running, but so far she gets Sculpture Guy to marry her, he (inevitably) cheats on her with a far less attractive girl (he has his own issues, we won’t go there). Which now leaves her in a state of anxiety, questioning her entire existence as this is first catastrophic event to ever occur in her life. She’s having major epiphanies of how self-obsessed she’s been all her life. She’s finding herself turning towards religion and spirituality in hopes to right all her wrongs. Think of it sort of as a Pakistani version of Eat, Pray, Love so there are impeccably deep dialogues, serious religious references and can’t fail to mention some amazing wardrobes.

I’m a fairly level headed individual (most days), who never quite traveled down that whole crazy fanatic in love path. So, I couldn’t really relate to this character for the first 6-10 episodes of the show when she’s going gaga over this guy. But now, as her character has moments of self-reflection, they’ve really incorporated some great dialogues. These are moments we all go through, because we all have an ugly materialistic monster inside of us who craves all the worldly luxuries or who gets too caught up in the petty things, but we also have a compassionate side. A side who can’t justify paying a month’s salary on something that’s meant to carry our crap around when that could buy food, clothing, education for a year in some parts of the world.

I hope what this show does is hit home with the upper class youth in Pakistan (that is where this TV series is airing), because they are living SO closely to all the poverty, famine, and destitution yet many of them have closed up their eyes, hearts and minds to that reality which exists a few miles away from their gated communities.  Inside their lavish homes they have created a bubble untouched by the reality outside. They have air conditioning, flat screen TVs, and the women are shopping.. ALL THE TIME.  Yet, just step out to a common bazaar and there are beggars everywhere. Young and old. Maybe the upper class has become numb to it, because they see it so often and partly because they have to in order to go about life. But that doesn’t make it right. The low income population of that country has turned into a business for those with power and money, manipulating them or just treating them as subhuman. I’m not saying the youth of Pakistan needs to go out and shower the poor with wealth. Just stop spending their time and money on their own selves and think for a moment about the bigger picture. How all this self-serving really never fulfills us internally.

I’m not blaming Pakistani youth alone, the entire global society has become self-interested. We care only about our needs and wants all the time. And the truth is, those ‘needs’ will never stop. As long as you lust for the worldly treasures you could worship it but it will never be yours. It will only leave you wanting more. But I’m focusing on the adolescents here, because that is the prime period of our lives when we are so passionate about everything. We think we’re passionately in love with the boy in our math class, we zealously hate our mom’s for never letting us have a social life, we’re extremely eager about fitting in with the crowd, but mostly about discovering who we are.Take that passion and channel it towards something of true value. Use your time and prosperity seeking out more gratifying things than nabbing the latest Lawn prints before everyone else. Trust me, your grown up self will appreciate the years of self-therapy and soul searching you saved.

Did you see what youth in other parts of the world was capable of? How they were able to overthrow tyrants and rulers, because they stopped thinking about how difficult it would be for them to fight the oppressor and they channeled all their energy towards actions which would improve the lives of so many others. O.T.H.E.R.S.

Tick Tock

Every single day I wake up at 6:30, bolting right out of bed at the first horrible buzz of the alarm clock and I already have this list in the back of my mind of every single thing I have to accomplish by the end of the day. And further back is all that I have to accomplish by the end of this year. And even further is all that I want to accomplish in this lifetime.

I always feel like life is so short...Everything in my day revolves around time, because I want to get so much done and yet time is incessantly racing against me. Mostly these days in the routine stuff, it’s as if I lack so much of it I value every spare extra minute I get. And it’s funny because there were moments in the summer when I wished (for like a second) that summer would move faster, things were too slow (damn do i miss those days), now it’s as if the weeks are rushing by so fast, deadlines are constantly being thrown at me and everything becomes a blur after awhile.

Time must be made into a friend, before a foe it becomes all too quickly. Time tells all and heals all. We change so much with it and so suddenly that in most cases we don't even sense it creep up on us. Every experience has a lasting effect on who we are and who we become, and only time tells us what that will be. A single moment can be monumental in the experience of one lifetime. And sometimes...a single moment takes a lifetime to arrive.

All I know is...in my lifetime, I hope to value my time with my family, to appreciate my time spent on my education, my career, and my friends. I hope to make use of time, to be able to have the time to relax, to take the time to worship god wholeheartedly, and to thank time for making me into who I am. 

Ok now I will take this time to shut up and go to sleep.

It is now bedtime.

ha ha.. I'm lame, there is no hiding from that.

Never Forget.

I just sat through hours of traffic. I was over an hour delayed to work due to some accident on the turnpike which caused traffic to spill over onto local roads in my town. My normal commute turned into a nightmare of back ups and delays on every road I turned. Needless to say I was not a happy camper. Then as I was checking my phone for the 18th time to see how late I was, I realized the date said September 11th. 

How could I forget? I don't think anyone in my generation will ever forget this date. It's forever etched in our memories. Not just for those of us who live close to NY, or even those of us who live in this country. Globally, it's a date no one in this era can forget. It happened when I was in 10th grade going into my 3rd period World History class. We watched on TV as the second plane hit. Everything was kind of crazy that day and for the days to follow even. Even though I didn't directly know anyone who lost their lives that day, it still scares me to think about it all. 

Yet, here I am 11 years later, a mom on her way to work complaining because of traffic delays. 11 years ago, around the exact same time some mom's dropped their kids off to daycare and never made it to work. Some children in the very same daycare as my own child lost their parents forever. Today for me is such a clear reminder that we must cherish each day and love the people in our lives. It's a reminder of how we must constantly be grateful for the moments we are given. 

Today let's taking a moment to honor all those who lost their lives due to the tragic events of 9/11. My heart goes out to all the victims and to the family members who have to live on with those horrible memories. 

“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”

Looking back at something I wrote almost exactly 5 years ago, (See here.) I can't help but think man, I was a smart little 21 year old! Maybe that's what saved me in so many situations in life. But still I am no perfect human being and can always use this reminder. 

Life isn't something that happens, with you just a passive bystander to all it's whims. I admit, certain things are totally out of your control and there is not a thing you can do about changing them. But the one thing you can change is your attitude.

I have always felt strongly about the notion of having a positive attitude. I remember when I was 17 and failed my driver's exam for the first time, initially I came home and cried and cried until I could no more. I thought of nothing more than how mean and evil my examiner was, and how he must have just had it in for me and failed me for all these frivolous reasons that he made up (removed hands from wheel to fix her hair when approaching a stop sign...basis for failure, really?). Then I remember thinking, I can't change what happened but now I have two weeks to practice the hell out of driving, two weeks to prove that I can do this. I thought of all the people I knew, who weren't the brightest crayons in the box and how they managed to learn how to drive, so I certainly could too! Then I thought about all the people who were inspirational to me. There are friends and family I know, who always take struggle with stride keeping their chin up no matter how demanding life got or how stressful the situation became. To me, thinking of these examples motivate me at times when I am feeling discouraged. 

It was just something about my attitude that changed. Whenever I'm faced with difficulty I tend to get discouraged for a bit, I simply don't do well in adverse situations. I end up focusing on everything wrong with the picture and turning completely pessimistic abot the future. But then when I've wallowed in enough self pity, something inside me kicks me to think "no, if you just change your outlook, this entire situation can be totally different." It was the same feeling I had when I failed parts of the CPA exam numerous times. I would get so discouraged upon learning that I failed by just 1 point! One stinkin' point, those test graders could easily have given me me that on open ended questions, that I so rightfully deserved and it was all their evil plotting to make boatloads of money off of me knowing it was the only thing that kept me away from this license. And again I'd have to remind myself that I can't change how the judges grade, so there was no sense in dwelling on that and instead to focus all my energy on changing my own game plan so I could succeed.  



At the risk of making this post way too long I wanted to add something that I feel fits well with this topic. This whole situation reminds me of the saying

 "If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed will go to the mountain."

I found the below excerpt describing the meaning of this quote from doing some online research (gotta love my buddy Google), so don't quote me on the validity of this:

"It has its origin in a legend about something Mohammed (peace be upon him) said when he was asked to prove his prophethood. He raised a hand and ordered a nearby mountain to come to him. The mountain, of course, did nothing and Mohammed then declared that this was proof of God's mercy, because if God had granted his wish, Mohammed and those around him would have been crushed by the mountain. He then said he was going to go to the mountain and thank God for his mercy.

The meaning of the expression now is that you sometimes have to do things for yourself instead of expecting the world to give you what you want."

This makes so much sense to me. I just started at a new job and the first week which normally should be a breeze was tough! I have a manager who makes work his life. It's a Friday afternoon and the office is deserted except he's got me here being on conference calls and working on presentations due in two weeks! I can't change this, but I can change my attitude. We cannot expect God or people to do things for us all the time. And certainly we should not keep complaining about everything that is wrong with the situation at hand, instead keep hope that brighter days will come and use that hope to channel a positive attitude. With the right attitude you can bring yourself to achieve the things you want, instead of sitting around waiting for them to come to you. 

Wait..seriously?

I know I'm always trying to keep things positive here, to keep myself upbeat and to learn from each experience that challenges me. But let's be real for a sec. Some things and some moments beg for candid, unsweetened opinions. Here in, no particular order, are a list of things that get under my skin and make me work hard to keep my chin up (while still trying to keep hope in humanity). 

·         Men who use the bathroom and leave the toilet seat up at someone's home. This is not a men's room, its a coed bathroom. Heck, It's not even a public restroom where the next person doesn't know you (and how unhygienic you are). Please show some courtesy and regard for others. And if you really are going to put the seat up can you try not to get urine everywhere so I'm not totally gagging as I clean up afterwards?

·         Can people please be real? I love sharing; everyone who knows me knows that. But I don’t appreciate it when people who I chat with daily ask me a gazillion questions about my future plans and expect me to provide truthful answers, yet when I turn around and ask them about what’s going on with them, they give tight lipped responses. Friendship is definitely a TWO way street, don’t expect me to share honestly if you are being shady about your own business. Because clearly in that case we aren’t friends, you are simply using me as a tool to figure out what to do with your own life. I gladly provide advice or help when necessary, but it’s just hurtful if I treated you like a friend and then I find you’re moving into a new place or getting a new job from someone else.

·         Facebook. I have an extremely complicated relationship with this social media platform. I enjoy how it allows me to connect with my siblings, close friends and well wishers. But I am beginning to grow tired of the unnecessary drama it brings at times. The amount of oversharing that everyone does is already past my level of comprehension. But I actually had someone delete me from their friends because apparently they always commented on my pictures/status yet I never did the same. So they felt I was not a good friend and made it a point to tell my sister before deleting me. My response was “uhh ok..why didn’t she just talked to me about it? You know, the way normal people get over their issues..” Facebook gives people  a peek into the lives of others and usually all they’re looking at is an illusion. Yet they somehow feel closely involved in these moments and build up all these expectations of the people they view, feeling as though they possess authority to judge and critique.

Another gripe I have is how its become the only mode of communication. I am at fault for doing this myself at times, but I’m working to stop. Pick up the phone and call someone don’t facebook message them! Maybe if you haven’t talked in years it’s a good way to catch up, but if you’re planning the 4^th party in the past 3 months and trying to coordinate dishes maybe a quick conference call could sort out the details rather than a message chain that drags out for weeks. Done. Over it. I can’t even speak about it anymore.

·         People from the motherland, please keep in mind vowels when you send messages. I know you are an educated bunch, so I am unsure if it’s due to haste in completing the message or an attempt at typing in the ‘cool hip’ lingo, but to most of us vowels are in important part of a sentence. ‘im rlly hppy fr u’ is not a real sentence even if it gets the point across (and thank you!).

·         When people ridicule their spouses in front of others. It isn’t funny, its just awkward for everyone else around you. So stop it and be thankful for the wife/husband you have who sees the good in you and puts up with your social weirdness.

·        When I drive around the block three times just to insure that my kid is sound asleep, only to park the car and turn around to see him smiling like he’s got the energy of three quarterbacks who threw back a pack of red bull before a big game. (WHEN OH WHEN DOES IT GET BETTER???)

·         Crazy intense back and shoulder pain! As the massage therapist put it yesterday while trying to get out knots the size of golf balls, I’m “literally caring all the weight of my burdens on my shoulders”. Growing up/old isn’t always fun my friends.

Ok I think I'm done for now, ahh that felt better! If for some twisted reason you enjoyed reading this, then check out the remainder of my griping here since (sadly) most of them still apply.