Ammi and Abu

The most influential people in my life are, without a doubt, my parents. I've minored in psychology, and although that doesn't mean much, this realization came to me during lecture one day in Personality Psychology. I must have known it unconsciously all along but it just somehow dawned on me that day as Professor Atwood described the single unifying theme present in each person's life which forms the foundation around which all their other actions, thoughts and experiences are based.

Every single important decision I have made involves me thinking about what my parents would think. I know all of this should be done for God and I think as I grew up it did become for Him. But how can I throw them and their teachings to the side? How can I not credit them? Everything I am is due to them, if I had been anyone else's child I would not be me. Apart from just morals, literally in everything I do I hope to please them. All throughout my academic career I was  focused on giving my parents the pleasure to say their daughter was intelligent. I became an accountant because my father is one and he was pleased to hear that I took interest in it. And even at times when I wanted to give up on passing the CPA exam I kept treading forward  because I knew the pride it would bring to him. Because in my mind, if I failed this I would disappoint them. Honestly, whether it was about dating a boy or dressing immodestly or failing the CPA exam I always feared disappointing them. I still do. I still juggle all the balls of life with marriage, motherhood and a career, because I know it brings them pride to see my success. And as a parent myself now, I understand that pride. I PRAY to have that sort of pride one day iA.  But you see, it was not that my parents were extremely rigid people who had harsh rules which made me feel suffocated and fearful of them not loving me if I disobeyed. School friends and people of other cultures would often ask me that, how I lived within such "overbearing limits"? But to me it wasn't that way at all. They didn't actually openly dictate to me how I should live my life. They had set rules and they encouraged us with positive examples in a certain direction, but it wasn't ever that I felt their parenting was overbearing. In fact, with time I learned that even if their rules were pushed or broken, their love was never ending. That's what it was. Their love. They still accepted and stood by us no matter what. I have always been so deeply overwhelmed with just HOW much they love me (and all my siblings), how selfless and unconditional it is that I feel the only way to express my own gratitude and appreciation is to continue to make them proud. If I keep that thought in mind, I never ever feel that pleasing them is a negative element in my life. Honestly, obeying them and trying to please them is just natural to me. I enjoy it. There are so many other things in their life giving them so much to worry about, I thoroughly revel in the fact that they don't have to worry about me, because they know I have a good head on my shoulders and will do the right thing.

And now as I am in my late twenties and life is teaching me a thing or two about wisdom and parenting I can't help but fall more and more in love with the way they raised us. I am finally understanding that unconditional love and selfless devotion that only a parent can understand. 

Talk to me

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

—

Carl Jung

For work, I was recently invited to attend a 2 day seminar on communication. They coached us on various communication styles and how to deal with others who may have a different approach than ourselves. One particular activity I found interesting and useful was when they had us fill out a survey about how we react in certain situations (both stressful and not) and based on results of that we were grouped into 4 different categories. The four categories were: Feeler, Thinker, Sensor and Intuitive. And while everyone uses all four of these functions, we tend to prefer some more than others.

Those who are predominantly Feelers communicate mostly about (duh) their feelings. They talk about their lives, family, experiences openly and go about situations mostly based on emotions. Feelers make decisions based on subjective views, what they think is right in an individual case. Thinkers are logical, well organized, they like structure and stick to morals/principles. Therefore, Thinkers tend to be objective in their judgments and believe that rules should be applied across the board.

Sensors are those who are very "in the moment", leading them to like immediate results in all decisions or actions. They can be seen by others as rash in decision making, but they are simply enjoying the experience whether it be jumping out of a plane or trying out new foods. Intuitive types see the bigger picture, they aren't ones to get caught up in the detail. They are more philosophical, able to come up with new ideas, theories and views. You could say most inventors, theorist, visionaries would fall under the Intuitive bucket.

The funniest part was seeing that a room full of accountants/auditors came back with results showing not a single one of us were Feelers! I guess it goes to prove the stereotype that accountants are 'boring' holds true! (Haha) Majority of the room was Thinkers (myself included). But we did have a few Sensors and Intuitives as well. The rest of the discussion was how to deal with others who may not be the same as yourself. If you are a Thinker, you will never get your point across to a Intuitive if you stick to the plain vanilla, using organized charts and slides method, instead try talking about the broad overall impact of the issue and be prepared to answer questions that are out of the box. Similarly, if you're trying to do a sales pitch with a Sensor, Feelers can't expect it to be a productive meeting if they spend the first hour talking about their weekend and family vacations and expect to carry the entire discussion just talking out the facts. Sensors would want a quick 30-60 minute meeting on the essentials with visual representation (slides or print outs).

I think you get the point, but what I took back from this activity was to start thinking more about what kind of person I'm dealing with and adapt my communication style accordingly. Just because I am a Thinker doesn't mean the other person is also. Just because I like things to be in a neat organized pile according to size and color does not mean that my spouse/child/coworker/friend will do the same and expecting them to do so is setting them up for failure. Respecting their views, even if they differ, is important, and once you acknowledge how your views differ from theirs, learning how to communicate in a manner which is productive and healthy can lead to a successful interaction. Statistically, women tend to be Feelers and men tend to be Thinkers but this gender divide isn't always true. And, sometimes nonconforming individuals can face opposition. We've all heard (or thought) that men too in tune with their feelings are wimps or effeminate, while women who are Thinkers are aggressive and 'control freaks'.  I agree that labeling people a certain way isn't fair, but understanding their nature and working with that instead of just judging them can actually help you to relate to one another.

What I took away from this exercise was the ability to be able to connect with other people in a way that I was not doing before. There are plenty of people in my life who I click with immediately, we are on the same level in our thoughts, likes, dislikes and lifestyles so getting along well is natural to us. But, there are those relationships in my life where my approach varies greatly from others and we may not always see eye to eye. I can think of examples in the workplace, in immediate family and in close friends too. So, I can't just up and leave this situation, because I am either forced to interact with these people in a work environment or I am tied to by family. These relationships are valuable to me, and I may have been going about them all wrong. I think what I've done in many occasions in the past is simply ignore our issues. I am logical, cautious and sometimes too stringent in my ways to see others views, so for me to understand how people think/act on emotions rather than rational reasoning is hard. I'm not saying they are wrong. Emotions are very important too, it's just not who I am, so for me its hard. I think in the past I have made it come off as them being "wrong" and that strained our relationship, but then I've slipped our problems under a rug rather than deal with them so we go on about our ways holding differences in our hearts about each other all because we are not accommodating the other person and their unique nature. This training course led me to realize the relationships I have in my life are important to me, and maybe if I approach them in a different manner I can make the other person see my view also, but first I need to bend to see their view. Bending or realizing your differences doesn't make anyone better than the other, it only leads to the path of understanding.

Look at it this way, you can't see the world from your own eyes all the time, sometimes you have to open them wide enough to see things from everyone's perspective too. A Thinker woman is not necessarily a bad thing. Such women in the workplace are highly successful, because most companies appreciate individuals with structure, discipline who provide timely results. Even within the home, things would be chaos if there isn't some form of routine to follow and someone to implement it. In the same way, a Feeler man is actually a wonderful thing no matter what society tells you! Imagine a man who actually expresses concern for your emotions, who sympathizes that you had a long day and rubs your feet! (I said imagine, not expect! haha). But overall, the point is we should start thinking from the point of view from another person, to try understanding each other and seeing how we can work with them rather than against them.

Here are a few links to see your personality type:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm
http://www.ColorQuiz.com/

Mother's Day!

Although last year was my first official Mother's Day and I did get the same treatment again (sleeping in late followed by breakfast in bed), this year felt quite special. Ali came running into the room in full effect shouting "Ammmmmiiiiiiiii", stopping just short of banging into the bed with a huge smile on his face. That smile which always melts my heart. Last Mother's day he was about 5 months old, and even though he was interactive with the giggles and smiles, it wasn't the same kind of display of affection I get now. This year I got "made at daycare" mothers day artwork to add to the mementos box, in addition to lots of smoochy kisses as we devoured the delicious pancakes made by Baba. (I must add the pancakes were from scratch, not from the box! I do love how my better half is pretty skilled in the kitchen.)

I was in love with him the moment life changed when he was handed to me at the hospital, but as time goes by my little ball of cuteness is turning into a real person with his own personality! A personality I love a little more each time it shines through. I love him more than I ever thought possible. Thinking about him sometimes makes me cry. In fact writing this makes me cry. (I'm such a sap now, being a mom does this!!) But  there are definitely days he drives me absolutely nuts! There are moments I have thought to myself, why couldn't I have an easy child?! Why couldn't I have a child who didn't throw up in doctor's offices from crying so much (he hates the doctor!) or a child who didn't get sick every month thus avoiding doctor visits at all! Why couldn't I have an easy child  who quietly watched TV or played with a toy and didn't wreak havoc so I could cook a meal/read a book/talk to a friend in peace. I began to understand the moms who behave negatively towards their kids, because of the feelings they harbor in their hearts of unfulfilled dreams or life before this chaos. I get why they do it. But I have also seen what it does to the kids. It's not his fault. He didn't ask to be born, I made that choice. I cannot blame him for my unfulfilled ambitions or inability to cope with unhappy parenting moments. I cannot expect to be given a child of a certain nature. I can work with it, I can try to improve it. But I cannot blame him. I must look past the negativity.


I came across something on Facebook recently.   It was a picture of  three girls in wheel chairs, their mom had posted the picture on some company's Facebook page to win votes to get new wheelchairs. They have MPS, a rare genetic disorder. (learn more about them and the disease here http://helpourgirls.com/) HOW could I be ungrateful for my overall HEALTHY child. How could I be so frustrated over sleepless nights when this mother probably goes through SO SO SO much worse. She doesn't just have one child not two but three with this horrible disease. And on the website it said  one of their sons is also autistic. Can you imagine her life? I literally burst out crying when I saw this. It was almost as if  I was getting all the answers to my questions. This is why you gave up a  high paying job. You have a HEALTHY, HAPPY child who occasionally does give you a hard time. He is a picky eater and horrible sleeper but you know he has a bright future ahead of him, unlike these girls who have a disease that usually ends in fatality at a young age. He needs you to love and coddle him and enjoy his every crazy action, because life is brief and all the money in the world could not buy you the happiness and warmth he brings to your heart. Be. Grateful.

Wishing every mom a wonderful Mother's day! <3

Advice to my son

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Love them anyway. If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives. Do good anyway. If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway. People who really want help may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway. Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt. Give the world your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." - Mother Teresa

It's a long quote, but highly worth reading in its entirety. There is so much advice I want to share with my son and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to communicate it all to him.

Today on my way to work I decided to listen to the am news radio. I rarely ever do that, normally I use z100 to get my mornings started. Anyway, two stories out of all the 'top news weather and traffic' caught my attention. One was about a driver who was killed when something flew off the top of a truck in front of him and smashed into his windshield and the other was about a young woman shot and killed in Boonton, NJ. Her husband was also shot and is in critical condition, leaving behind two small sons. All I could think of was how sad it is and my heart really went out to that small child who will only have vague memories of his mother. These are the kind of stories you hear on the daily news all the time so I felt bad, but didn't think much further into it. But when I found out that the woman was a Pakistani Muslim relative of someone I knew it changed things. Now, the woman could have been anyone and it'd still be a tragic event, but I guess when you somehow have a link to the person it just makes it that much more tragic and hits home that much harder.

It made me reflect on how much I worry about raising my child right now. My daily worries entail : Why is he's not eating right? Is it due to teething pain or does he just not like veggies? And why is he still not sleeping well through the night? When will this stop? Will it ever?? When will he start walking and talking? He's so hyper now, I don't want him to grow up to be an ADD child, how can I control that now?

That last one..How can I control that...Those two stories from today's headline showed one thing. Not much is in my control. I can't control a tire flying off the back of a truck hitting my car or a bullet shot at my family while we go for a walk. We get so caught up in the micro worries of the daily routine, that we sometimes forget to reflect upon the greater picture. I can't even control the daily things that hurt him like teething pain so what good will I be able to do if I'm gone and he's left an orphan? But, there are things that you can control. Things that will help him when you aren't around anymore. Like how you behave around him, how tightly you hug him, how you sing to him and rock him to sleep, how you teach him life lessons not always verbally but mainly through your actions.

I hope to teach Ali to be a good person, to be humble and loving, to have strong morals and values, and understand the greatness of God. To make mistakes as that is a part of life, but to learn from the examples of his mother mistakes also. I may not be able to take great bold steps to change the entire world. But if I can change the world of this one child, my life was well spent. Focusing on that concept, makes the rest of the worldly woes seem so trivial.

I know that if I'm gone tomorrow he'll still get by. He'll still have clothes on his body, food in his belly and a roof above his head. I know that, because I know that God is the one who defines destiny and He'll take care of my son's needs..even when I am alive, it's not me but Him who provides all that..for all of us...

When I look at families who have lost small children or at families who've lost parents..they all still go on living..but the quality of their life is greatly affected. So, if I look at each interaction; and not only with just my son but with everyone, as an opportunity to affect their life for the better, to leave a mark so that when I am not around they remember me for all good reasons, that in my mind is the best goal for my existence.

Mostly, I hope Ali absorbs even a tidbit of information that his mom wants to convey to him.

Wary

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this problem. I spend WAY too much time looking into the future. From when I was a little girl I couldn't wait to be an older girl like my sisters so that I'd be able to hang around with them when they'd spend time with their friends talking about older girl stuff. I couldn't wait to be in high school then it was college, then it was in the workforce.And I definitely spent a whole heck of a lot of time daydreaming about who I'd marry, how lovely our story would be and then of course I looked forward to children a lot too.  Alhumdulillah I have it all now. I think being so fixated on the future helped me, it helped me reach the goals I wanted to achieve and certainly kept me away from a lot of time wasting activities (drugs, dating, stupidity). But somewhere along the line, my irrational obsession with always being focused on the future turned negative. In the past few years, I'm not sure why but I've become so pessimistic about the future. I think I've always been a worrier, but recently it's just spiraled out of hand. I guess its because before when I wasn't married it was just me and God, and our conversations. And when you're talking to God, divine inspiration fills your soul ridding you of all that pessimism. Nowadays, its as if I only focus on what's wrong in the picture rather than what's right. I think its may also have to do with the fact that my significant other is so positive about every single thing that that I have turned into the negative one in the relationship, just to make him see that things aren't always rosy. But, I'm doing it so much that I've made everything seem not rosy at all! That's what happens with husbands and wives I think. We don't even intend on disagreeing but somehow just do it so often. But you have to step back and say no, I am not going to turn into this person. I can't say I'm unhappy all the time, I'm not. and I certainly don't have a lot to be unhappy about. But for some reason I've become much more of a cynic than I was. And I wish that would change. 

Love Drunk...can you handle your liquor?

"The promise of paradise is not enough. The mystic will not wait until he is cold in his grave to be with God. He wants to be with God in this life. He wants the immediate experience of the sacred. He is thirstier than other men."

http://www.theabodeofpeace.com/wine.html

A very interesting article about the presence of wine in mysticism using both Islam and Christianity as the main belief systems. Especially note the section where the liver is compared to the eye. It is described as the inner eye providing vision for our dreams and true reality; while the real eye is is our outer eye, providing vision for this illusion of a world. It further goes to indicate the tendency of Islamic culture to portray alcohol as a vile drink of those who are wayward and misguided. Yet many mystics used it in their pathway to enlightenment, they derive from the Quranic revelation regarding the rivers of wine flowing in Paradise to mean that those who are nearest to God are given this pure wine to drink from. Their indulgence in the drunkenness of alcohol is not to enjoy the taste of the drink but to quench the thirst they feel for the love and remembrance of God.

Ironically, in Christian culture, alcohol is widely accepted and only the mystics abstain from it as they say they will not drink wine until they drink it in the Kingdom of God.

Both of these mainstream monotheistic beliefs are in agreement with the fact that there will be wine in the paradise of God..it's just a matter of how it should be dealt with in this life.

I think the point is that the masses aren't ready for it. The masses see alcohol for all its worldly luxury, IE: getting wasted, forgetting about the woes of this life, doing sexual or other mischievous deeds that will be well forgotten by the morning. Exactly how us humans use our dreams on a regular basis, as a means to escape our reality for 7 to 8 hours of the night, to be lost in the world of the subconscious before we must return again. But, the masses aren't able to utilize it for what it's worth, because too much of any thing can turn into a bad things..... and in the case of alcohol, even a little of it may be too much for a person to handle when they aren't ready for it. Same goes for all things that give you an altered state of mind. They place you at the threshold of a world unimaginable. Most of us would not know how to behave or contain ourselves upon reaching that point. The mystic wants nothing more than to lose himself there and perhaps would have difficulty ever returning back into this realm of reality because after seeing true reality who ever would want to return to illusion? The test of a believer is to be aware of that place, of that reality, of the methods used to enter there, yet also to have an awareness that everything is meant for a reason and behave according to that understanding. We must not lose ourselves..no matter how deeply we may want to leave behind the 'truth' of this world we know, it is just as essential to our being as the unseen is. A true mystic, the one who is blessed enough to handle it; for him the pleasure of those short trips, occasional visits to the unseen are so divine..

Our dreams, this wine, all sorts of mind altering substances...they all take you there..but they are just means...just the mode of transportation....if you can't handle the journey, and especially not the destination, then you have no business getting on this ride.

End of an Era...

As I sit here typing, across the country in a town famously referred to as 'L.A.' the memorial service for one of music history's greatest legend is being held. Michael Jackson.

To be entirely honest, I never had a great passion for his persona, most likely because, although I am a 80's kid I remember nearly none of it...My oldest memories date to the early 90's, when Jackson had sort of taken on that creepy guy image with his skin color transformation and small boys obsession. The only two songs of his that I actually liked were Beat It and Thriller. Beat It because Alvin and the Chipmunks did a cartoon imitation of his video....But still, I think despite all the social norms he defied and personal issues he dealt with in the public eye, I still respected him as a talented artist.

I find irony in that today, as I celebrate my birth, people on the other end of the country are celebrating someone's death. (celebrate as in remember and memorialize) Of course there is no real irony in this, because people are brought in and out of this world perpetually. However, I still like to believe there is significance and reason behind everything. Just because we fail to recognize logical order and reasoning for many things, does not mean that they occur at random...I can't help but feel that all instances are orchestrated in a highly elaborate manner far beyond our level of comprehension and perhaps its better that way.

The most prominent part of Jackson's life that stands out to me now is how he struggled with his public image. Every single human being feels misunderstood at one point or another in life, but to feel that way on such a large scale; when you are being judged and viewed by the entire world, I can not imagine the pressure of handling that kind of attention. Social people often crave recognition; they thrive in the admiration and fascination that others have with them. However, all too often that attention has a fast rise and an even faster fall. It is some sort of basic human evil, we build this love/hate relationship with nearly everyone. Despite their greatest gestures, we poke and prod at each person until a serious flaw is discovered and focused on. Spectators say Michael Jackson died of overdose, his actions for many years now have reflected self afflicted harm and suicidal behavior. My speculation is that too much of anything can harm the best of people, with the best of intentions. Too much fame, too much attention, too much criticism...too much publicity.

Now like I said earlier, I never really cared that much for MJ, but when recent events brought my attention towards him (obvious...its all over media..they couldnt let him leave in peace and privacy either)it made me we all struggle with public attention. Especially now, in a society where Facebook, Twitter, AIM, etc. all have provided every single person who may vaguely know you to have vast amount of knowledge about your life, moments and memories are very seldom kept personal anymore. It did have a positive affect for a while. People were able to better interact over long distance,maintain relationships over time without falling apart, and overall just share their memories with loved ones. But now it as become a form of grabbing attention towards yourself..becoming a mini 'celebrity' in your own right. And as I said before, attention has a fast rise and an even faster fall. What is this need to know and care about other peoples lives? So what if they have weird fetishes like MJ did or whatever they may choose to do in their lives..why has the world become so focused on knowing and sharing so much about themselves? Sharing and interaction needs to be done, everything in small dosages is good...I think I'm just reaching a point in my own life where I feel the need to draw away from advancement. Perhaps, I've reached the plateau, if not the decline of my interest in sharing about myself. Even this blog...what purpose does it serve to share about my inner thoughts and views? What will anyone gain..or lose.. from reading it? What will they achieve from seeing my pictures on Facebook or knowing of my latest status on Twitter? I sometimes think back to the 90's..when we may not have kept in touch with SO many people as we do today...yet the handful that did stay close had more value in their quality of care annd concern for each other. I think I'm going to step back for awhile...I may not walk around like MJ did with a bag over my head to avoid people...but sometimes it's not to keep others out..but it's to cleanse your own mind and spirit. Maybe I can relate to MJ in that way.

(a little more coincidence I fell upon: "Michael Jackson signed his last will on 7-7-02, seven years to the day he will be memorialized and buried. Michael was the 7th in a family of 9 kids..."
7 also happens to be my lucky #, or as I like to think of it,it's special to me...)


Last Post for awhile...... Publicly that is.