Now I understand why people get married..

So they don't have to attend other people's weddings and other awkward social events alone feeling like total loners.

Touch of Genius?

I had an interesting conversation with someone once on how all greatly influential men in history have very little known about their children. As in the greatness does not seem to transcend into future generations. We wondered why that was...was it because these strong-natured men were so caught up in achieving their own success that they neglected their posterity? Or was it that greatness is something innate that cannot be taught? Think about it, Albert Einstein, Alexander the Great, Galileo, Aristotle, Caesar, Isaac Newton, Darwin, Van Gogh, Shakespeare, Mozart, Freud, Karl Marx. Who are their children? Did they leave any mark in this world? Maybe, maybe their kids were extremely bright, intelligent, and successful but evidently not as much as their parents. If they had been, we would know their names. You would think that someone with such an influential personality, possessing such revolutionary ideas or strong leadership qualities would be able to instill those into their children and breed that sort of excellence, no?

I think this person was pondering this question, because he himself has been very successful. Yet, his children are just average. They have normal jobs living with normal families doing fairly well in life, but no major world or life changing successes to speak of.

I didn't say it to him at the time, but to myself I slowly began to formulate the understanding that perhaps being a "successful" and influential person requires a personality that is different from the norm. They might become great leaders, thinkers and innovators who left their mark in history, but a lot of these individuals possessed subpar communication abilities. Those “people skills” you often hear about are an important facet of an average personality that these individuals seem to lack. It is interesting that in our recent era two individuals who are very influential also had similar things said about them; Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. People who have interacted closely with both have said they were near genius, yet were very demanding, unpredictable, and at times very difficult to work with.

It makes sense though. Not everyone can be genius; that has to be a special trait reserved for only an elite group. And while there probably isn’t be a defined formula for genius, but it looks to me that perhaps these geniuses are so in tuned with certain parts of their brain, the parts that focus on creating, designing, seeing out of the box that they simply can’t get it to function when it comes to simple tasks such as having a casual conversation with an acquaintance. It’s well known that many highly acclaimed men in history were reclusive and avoided public interaction. Maybe they were snooty and thought the masses to be beneath them or maybe their brain just couldn’t do the ‘normal’ social interaction as well as everyone else? Relationships with parents, siblings, spouses and colleagues can all be strained with an erratic personality. Yet, is it a price that’s worth paying when you can be highly admired worldwide and have numerous books and movies created about you? So what would you rather be. Socially inept or genius? Perhaps all those people’s children saw the strangeness in their successful father’s personality and unconsciously decided they’d rather be normal and unknown. Or maybe if we dig deeper, we will find that those successful men had a childhood incident leading them to become the socially incompetent individuals they are, it caused them to block out all human emotion and focus all that energy towards greatness. So then it must be that we all need to have childhood scars and tortured souls to become genius? Should I go home and start giving Ali traumatic experiences so he can grow up to be genius? Maybe I’m thinking too much into this….Haha! I’m just wondering what it is I can do to guide my own child in the direction of being a strong leader and innovator. The more I think about it though, the more I am okay with him growing up to be anything as long as he’s happy. Everyone wants what’s best, but sometimes what’s best is just being yourself no matter how ‘average’ that is.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/confessions-facebook-employee-really-working-180100156.html

Father's Day

So I was thinking about what to get my Dad for Father's Day and it lead to this:


It's natural for children to be close and drawn towards their mothers. Moms are nurturing, they're the ones we spend more time with, they scold us comfort us and basically teach us how to live life. All throughout history there is countless poetry and much literature around the bond shared by mothers and their children. What I find scarce is the topic of Fathers. Women are expressive and open about how they feel. They shower you with their love minutes after they scold you for something. Men in general are hesitant to voice their emotions, but it does not in the slightest way mean that they are void of them. Fathers, as I grow up I realize, may appear to have a more subtle role but the magnitude of it is indescribable.


 In my own life, the role played by my father is enormous. Outwardly my dad was like most fathers during our childhood. He wasn't the diaper changing, helping out with feeding time type of dad. He worked hard to earn an honest living and support a large family, just like all good fathers did. He did play with us and was always loving, but he wasn't involved in our day to day life like mom was. And it made sense, dads generally weren't as hands on at the time also we were 5 girls so naturally we were more inclined towards mom. But this is the point where he stopped being like the traditional 80's father. Everything else set him apart from every man I knew (still know). 


He has taught us so many lessons consciously and unconsciously. One of the few things I heard him repeat many times throughout my childhood was "God may not have given me great wealth or a big name or even siblings to call my own blood, but he gave me five daughters. You five are my pride, my honor, my strength. You are all I have." And he truly meant it. Never once in all my life did I hear him show regret for not having a son. Many other people sure did express it, they even tried to console him about the fact, but he always believed so firmly that God gave him what was best. The way he treated all the women in his life with so much love and respect it taught us how a man should behave. His relationship with his mother, his wife, his daughters he dealt each of them with such perfection. Facing the pressure of all these responsibilities cannot be an easy feat for anyone, but I believe it has made him a much better man than anyone I know. 


Abu gave to us which many fathers I think sometimes don't do with their young children is the comfort of being able to talk to him frankly. He made an honest effort as we grew up to discuss problems in our lives, to guide us and encourage us and to make us see the bigger picture. When faced with big decisions and even big problems which affected our family Abu included us all. At the dinner table all of our words were given the freedom to be expressed no matter how small in size we were. 


Growing up what I admire most about him was his level headedness, how he always takes an objective view. Even when trying to disciple us, he would discuss the issue so logically that we could not really argue against it. He wasn't about scolding us, he left that to mom. Mom was the one who challenged us to get As if we brought home Bs or who suggested to each one of us to pursue a sensible career like medicine.(none of us did ha). Dad did support her in all those views, but his teaching was more geared at telling us to not just achieve success but be better people and to work hard and achieve our goals no matter how much we struggle and even if we fail it would not take away from our efforts. 


My Abu's biggest encouragement was to constantly improve ourselves to be a better human. Not just a good Muslim, not a good wife not a good daughter but a good person. He always says if you keep your intentions honest (achi niyat) and your heart pure (saaf dil) becoming all those other things will be inevitable. He constantly emphasizes the importance of being honest and humble. Of course like all parents he is proud of us when we excel in our careers and profession, but he always reminds us that worldly gains hold no value when measured against strong character. His biggest encouragement is to be someone with a kind heart.  Even when faced with some very ugly hearted people in life, he remained rational and sought the good in them. People who hurt and betrayed him he still continued to be kind to. To me this has been highly commendable. He always says that the Nabi (salallah hu alahi walahi wasalam) before bringing Islam was a good person. People trusted him and loved him for his honesty, sincerity, humanity, and generosity before they followed his teachings as a prophet. The message he brought is remembered because of his nature and how he presented this message. Of course I always saw my father pray 5 times a day, but he never enforced anything upon us, not namaz, Quran, nor hijab. His only major rule was modesty. What I learned from my father and his relationship with God was when you love in such a manner, pleasing your Love becomes your purpose of existence. Ritualistic practices are a means to express this love and devotion. 


My father may not be a man who I can boast about of having a highly successful career or tons of wealth and fame, He did not build great monuments that the world can remember him by or do anything spectacular that the world may praise him. But I can say that the people he has touched, respect and value him greatly. The remarkable things he has done for his family his future generations will always be indebted to him for. He raised 5 daughters with utmost love, care and compassion. I remember when we came to find that my sister's former husband had physically abused her, it was the first time I ever heard him shout so loudly at anyone. "How could you even raise a finger on my pure and virtuous daughter who I nurtured like a gentle flower to never let light wind even harm?" Those words made me cry a lot, because of how much truth they held. After that experience the way he stood by my sister and became her pillar of support he taught us again to be strong, to never let anyone else try to break us if they felt intimidated by our inner strength. My dad taught me that a strong man worthy of respect is one who has many emotions, but does not use physical might to express that strength. He shows it by coping with those emotions with maturity and patience (sabr). 

I love my father for all the things he has taught me are invaluable. He has his flaws, as all mankind does. But the way he has lead his life, and the way he has taught us to lead ours is so admirable to me he is a true living role model. People who don't know him well come to think he is not a man of strong nature. Some have even gone as far as to say my mother is more dominant than him. What they do not know about him is how his soft and scarcely spoken words hold so much more power to those who care about him. How my mother may have shouted at us when we did wrong as children, but when our father merely looked at us with disappointment it hurt much more. He did not need words for us to feel that. Because he loved us so dearly, even the slightest of his disapproval was agonizing.  His love and approval was our strength. The strength we needed to go out and face this world. To know that regardless of what gender we are it is our character and good intentions which will lead us to achieving great things. 

  

I love you, Abu. You are my Pillar of Strength, my Mentor, my Inspiration, and my Friend. 

Asleep to the world - Maulana Rumi

My entire existence is spent searching to do this.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows how affectedI am by the works of Maulana Rumi. I know in the past decade the western world has become highly fascinated with his work in romantic poetry. My own interest in this genre began far before who I knew who Maulana was. Something inside of me has always been drawn in that direction, but it was some time in the early 2000s during high school that I found a book at the library with his work and thus began my intrigue with Islamic Mysticism. I think I knew that this poetry wasn't about the type of love most people were using it for, which drew me towards it even more. This mystic has a message that my heart pulls me towards. Its a message only the heart can comprehend.

Ammi and Abu

The most influential people in my life are, without a doubt, my parents. I've minored in psychology, and although that doesn't mean much, this realization came to me during lecture one day in Personality Psychology. I must have known it unconsciously all along but it just somehow dawned on me that day as Professor Atwood described the single unifying theme present in each person's life which forms the foundation around which all their other actions, thoughts and experiences are based.

Every single important decision I have made involves me thinking about what my parents would think. I know all of this should be done for God and I think as I grew up it did become for Him. But how can I throw them and their teachings to the side? How can I not credit them? Everything I am is due to them, if I had been anyone else's child I would not be me. Apart from just morals, literally in everything I do I hope to please them. All throughout my academic career I was  focused on giving my parents the pleasure to say their daughter was intelligent. I became an accountant because my father is one and he was pleased to hear that I took interest in it. And even at times when I wanted to give up on passing the CPA exam I kept treading forward  because I knew the pride it would bring to him. Because in my mind, if I failed this I would disappoint them. Honestly, whether it was about dating a boy or dressing immodestly or failing the CPA exam I always feared disappointing them. I still do. I still juggle all the balls of life with marriage, motherhood and a career, because I know it brings them pride to see my success. And as a parent myself now, I understand that pride. I PRAY to have that sort of pride one day iA.  But you see, it was not that my parents were extremely rigid people who had harsh rules which made me feel suffocated and fearful of them not loving me if I disobeyed. School friends and people of other cultures would often ask me that, how I lived within such "overbearing limits"? But to me it wasn't that way at all. They didn't actually openly dictate to me how I should live my life. They had set rules and they encouraged us with positive examples in a certain direction, but it wasn't ever that I felt their parenting was overbearing. In fact, with time I learned that even if their rules were pushed or broken, their love was never ending. That's what it was. Their love. They still accepted and stood by us no matter what. I have always been so deeply overwhelmed with just HOW much they love me (and all my siblings), how selfless and unconditional it is that I feel the only way to express my own gratitude and appreciation is to continue to make them proud. If I keep that thought in mind, I never ever feel that pleasing them is a negative element in my life. Honestly, obeying them and trying to please them is just natural to me. I enjoy it. There are so many other things in their life giving them so much to worry about, I thoroughly revel in the fact that they don't have to worry about me, because they know I have a good head on my shoulders and will do the right thing.

And now as I am in my late twenties and life is teaching me a thing or two about wisdom and parenting I can't help but fall more and more in love with the way they raised us. I am finally understanding that unconditional love and selfless devotion that only a parent can understand. 

Talk to me

“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.”

—

Carl Jung

For work, I was recently invited to attend a 2 day seminar on communication. They coached us on various communication styles and how to deal with others who may have a different approach than ourselves. One particular activity I found interesting and useful was when they had us fill out a survey about how we react in certain situations (both stressful and not) and based on results of that we were grouped into 4 different categories. The four categories were: Feeler, Thinker, Sensor and Intuitive. And while everyone uses all four of these functions, we tend to prefer some more than others.

Those who are predominantly Feelers communicate mostly about (duh) their feelings. They talk about their lives, family, experiences openly and go about situations mostly based on emotions. Feelers make decisions based on subjective views, what they think is right in an individual case. Thinkers are logical, well organized, they like structure and stick to morals/principles. Therefore, Thinkers tend to be objective in their judgments and believe that rules should be applied across the board.

Sensors are those who are very "in the moment", leading them to like immediate results in all decisions or actions. They can be seen by others as rash in decision making, but they are simply enjoying the experience whether it be jumping out of a plane or trying out new foods. Intuitive types see the bigger picture, they aren't ones to get caught up in the detail. They are more philosophical, able to come up with new ideas, theories and views. You could say most inventors, theorist, visionaries would fall under the Intuitive bucket.

The funniest part was seeing that a room full of accountants/auditors came back with results showing not a single one of us were Feelers! I guess it goes to prove the stereotype that accountants are 'boring' holds true! (Haha) Majority of the room was Thinkers (myself included). But we did have a few Sensors and Intuitives as well. The rest of the discussion was how to deal with others who may not be the same as yourself. If you are a Thinker, you will never get your point across to a Intuitive if you stick to the plain vanilla, using organized charts and slides method, instead try talking about the broad overall impact of the issue and be prepared to answer questions that are out of the box. Similarly, if you're trying to do a sales pitch with a Sensor, Feelers can't expect it to be a productive meeting if they spend the first hour talking about their weekend and family vacations and expect to carry the entire discussion just talking out the facts. Sensors would want a quick 30-60 minute meeting on the essentials with visual representation (slides or print outs).

I think you get the point, but what I took back from this activity was to start thinking more about what kind of person I'm dealing with and adapt my communication style accordingly. Just because I am a Thinker doesn't mean the other person is also. Just because I like things to be in a neat organized pile according to size and color does not mean that my spouse/child/coworker/friend will do the same and expecting them to do so is setting them up for failure. Respecting their views, even if they differ, is important, and once you acknowledge how your views differ from theirs, learning how to communicate in a manner which is productive and healthy can lead to a successful interaction. Statistically, women tend to be Feelers and men tend to be Thinkers but this gender divide isn't always true. And, sometimes nonconforming individuals can face opposition. We've all heard (or thought) that men too in tune with their feelings are wimps or effeminate, while women who are Thinkers are aggressive and 'control freaks'.  I agree that labeling people a certain way isn't fair, but understanding their nature and working with that instead of just judging them can actually help you to relate to one another.

What I took away from this exercise was the ability to be able to connect with other people in a way that I was not doing before. There are plenty of people in my life who I click with immediately, we are on the same level in our thoughts, likes, dislikes and lifestyles so getting along well is natural to us. But, there are those relationships in my life where my approach varies greatly from others and we may not always see eye to eye. I can think of examples in the workplace, in immediate family and in close friends too. So, I can't just up and leave this situation, because I am either forced to interact with these people in a work environment or I am tied to by family. These relationships are valuable to me, and I may have been going about them all wrong. I think what I've done in many occasions in the past is simply ignore our issues. I am logical, cautious and sometimes too stringent in my ways to see others views, so for me to understand how people think/act on emotions rather than rational reasoning is hard. I'm not saying they are wrong. Emotions are very important too, it's just not who I am, so for me its hard. I think in the past I have made it come off as them being "wrong" and that strained our relationship, but then I've slipped our problems under a rug rather than deal with them so we go on about our ways holding differences in our hearts about each other all because we are not accommodating the other person and their unique nature. This training course led me to realize the relationships I have in my life are important to me, and maybe if I approach them in a different manner I can make the other person see my view also, but first I need to bend to see their view. Bending or realizing your differences doesn't make anyone better than the other, it only leads to the path of understanding.

Look at it this way, you can't see the world from your own eyes all the time, sometimes you have to open them wide enough to see things from everyone's perspective too. A Thinker woman is not necessarily a bad thing. Such women in the workplace are highly successful, because most companies appreciate individuals with structure, discipline who provide timely results. Even within the home, things would be chaos if there isn't some form of routine to follow and someone to implement it. In the same way, a Feeler man is actually a wonderful thing no matter what society tells you! Imagine a man who actually expresses concern for your emotions, who sympathizes that you had a long day and rubs your feet! (I said imagine, not expect! haha). But overall, the point is we should start thinking from the point of view from another person, to try understanding each other and seeing how we can work with them rather than against them.

Here are a few links to see your personality type:
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes1.htm
http://www.ColorQuiz.com/

Mother's Day!

Although last year was my first official Mother's Day and I did get the same treatment again (sleeping in late followed by breakfast in bed), this year felt quite special. Ali came running into the room in full effect shouting "Ammmmmiiiiiiiii", stopping just short of banging into the bed with a huge smile on his face. That smile which always melts my heart. Last Mother's day he was about 5 months old, and even though he was interactive with the giggles and smiles, it wasn't the same kind of display of affection I get now. This year I got "made at daycare" mothers day artwork to add to the mementos box, in addition to lots of smoochy kisses as we devoured the delicious pancakes made by Baba. (I must add the pancakes were from scratch, not from the box! I do love how my better half is pretty skilled in the kitchen.)

I was in love with him the moment life changed when he was handed to me at the hospital, but as time goes by my little ball of cuteness is turning into a real person with his own personality! A personality I love a little more each time it shines through. I love him more than I ever thought possible. Thinking about him sometimes makes me cry. In fact writing this makes me cry. (I'm such a sap now, being a mom does this!!) But  there are definitely days he drives me absolutely nuts! There are moments I have thought to myself, why couldn't I have an easy child?! Why couldn't I have a child who didn't throw up in doctor's offices from crying so much (he hates the doctor!) or a child who didn't get sick every month thus avoiding doctor visits at all! Why couldn't I have an easy child  who quietly watched TV or played with a toy and didn't wreak havoc so I could cook a meal/read a book/talk to a friend in peace. I began to understand the moms who behave negatively towards their kids, because of the feelings they harbor in their hearts of unfulfilled dreams or life before this chaos. I get why they do it. But I have also seen what it does to the kids. It's not his fault. He didn't ask to be born, I made that choice. I cannot blame him for my unfulfilled ambitions or inability to cope with unhappy parenting moments. I cannot expect to be given a child of a certain nature. I can work with it, I can try to improve it. But I cannot blame him. I must look past the negativity.


I came across something on Facebook recently.   It was a picture of  three girls in wheel chairs, their mom had posted the picture on some company's Facebook page to win votes to get new wheelchairs. They have MPS, a rare genetic disorder. (learn more about them and the disease here http://helpourgirls.com/) HOW could I be ungrateful for my overall HEALTHY child. How could I be so frustrated over sleepless nights when this mother probably goes through SO SO SO much worse. She doesn't just have one child not two but three with this horrible disease. And on the website it said  one of their sons is also autistic. Can you imagine her life? I literally burst out crying when I saw this. It was almost as if  I was getting all the answers to my questions. This is why you gave up a  high paying job. You have a HEALTHY, HAPPY child who occasionally does give you a hard time. He is a picky eater and horrible sleeper but you know he has a bright future ahead of him, unlike these girls who have a disease that usually ends in fatality at a young age. He needs you to love and coddle him and enjoy his every crazy action, because life is brief and all the money in the world could not buy you the happiness and warmth he brings to your heart. Be. Grateful.

Wishing every mom a wonderful Mother's day! <3