Monday, December 11, 2006


Have you ever wondered where you really belong? In this vast universe where there are so many niches and corners where could you find comfort? We seek that feeling where you'd chose to be in just one spot rather than anywhere else. And it might not even be a geographic location, more of a personal sort of security. Sometimes it feels as though we search all our lives for that sense of belonging. We might even believe we found it once or twice, but before we can be certain of its existence it always escapes us.

It's all really a matter of choose where you will belong.

Spring of my freshman year I took Islamic Philosophy with crazy prof. Morewedge. And on the 2 days of that entire semester where he gave a serious lecture, I felt like I learned about this whole other world, a supposed part of my religion that I never even knew existed. Most of it was the theories of "Islamic" philosophers and men of intellect. They weren't firm on following the obligatory practices, but their theories were an inspirational thought. They all spoke of this unconditional love for god, where no generic form of prayer was essential. Where the lover was lost in the search and adoration of their object of desire. They were these crazy sufi mystics who wanted to find oneness with god, they believed that god was so divine that from his glory the world was created and greatness emanated into the world, creating the soul of each man. And the purpose of each soul was to return to its ultimate source, The Truth. Yeah, for a good while I was confident that these men were doped up on hashish and opium when they wrote their passionate proclamations, but to some degree it made sense...

we all search for something, somewhere, someone where we can feel completely at ease; to feel entirely confident that this is where we belong. Where we can feel complete. The pressures and hectic moments of life are of no meaning, they are simply details in a mirage we walk though as we look for what is real. And I think for me that sufi ideology was so powerful because I never felt I could find that sense of security in this life or in this world so this whole theory really hit home.

Yes its true, I wanted to become a sufi mystic at that point. I thought of nothing more fulfilling than to spend my time twirling around in circles praising the lord all day. Of course, I soon realized that the mystics barely had any means of income and spent their lives truly very devoted in the love for god. so much that they had no need of things like money,a house, cars, food, clothing...and the pleasures of this duniya firmly placed my feet back on the ground... like all good dreams, we always land on our beds with the nice THUD of reality.

While the sufi thought is a beautiful ideal in doesnt have to be the only option to finding my belonging. obligatory practices are one way to go. we whine and pout about them because they limit all the faltoo bakwas we'd rather indulge in...yet time and time again i find that the only place i let go of all thought, the only place where i can be so calm that its almost as if i have escaped my own being...the only time i can feel like everything makes sense... is at the janamaz.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Things That Bother Me

There are very few things that bother me, or at least that's what I used to believe. As I starting thinking more about it though, it seemed like the list is quite long. It might just be that I'm being too critical, or perhaps it's because I'm just riding in a rough patch of life right now. Whatever the case may be, these little things about the world and its inhabitors are testing my tolerance ..and certain things I cannot stand at all, beyond the point of irritation into abhorrence. So here is my list for everything I can think of that I don't like or maybe even just makes me a little peeved.


-how when we were little our best friends changed every year, because we didnt have classes together with the old friends anymore..but now when we're older, it still happens because people are just too careless to want to keep up with meaningful relationships...or maybe they really aren't so meaningful afterall....and I guess more than being a bother that just I'm not talking about that anymore.



-when one side of my umberella breaks and it sort of droops, letting all the rain in.

-lauki. No idea what it is in English, but its a paki vegetable and I hate it.

-flaming gay men...I work with one..he sits behind me..I want to put a muzzle on him every time he opens his mouth.

- people who are wayy too public about their lives on things like facebook and friendster..its like shut up you aren't Paris hilton so stop wishing you were...stop trying to pretend that you are cool by posting a million pictures of you and your lamer friends because you are only proving (besides knowing how to do really good eye makeup) that you're all pretty much useless in life.

-when my contacts stick to my eyes

-traffic jams

-mean cops

when my heel gets stuck in the cracks in the sidewalk on livingston.. I  hate that campus..this should've been a separate line.

-livingston campus. now it is.

-anal professors that take their jobs entirely too seriously.

-never being home for dinner. it's the worst.

-how everyone cares that Madonna adopted an African kid and no one focused on the matter that so many kids in this world are orphan and need to be adopted.

-how Halloween is just not the same once you grow up.

-having to make life altering's so not all.. that I can confidently say I HATE.



-feeling like you're struggling only to get nowhere


-thursdays...and sundays...and mondays..I could keep going.

-sound of my alarm clock

-when I wait all week for it and it ends up being a rerun

-waking up at the buttcrack of dawn

list ends now...I'm too lazy to think of what more can possibly bother me.