A new chapter

But what do you do, if that last chapter is unforgettable? 

Earlier this summer I was given the chance to reflect on myself as a child. I found one thing that's been with me always is a strong love for writing. This love stems from a part of me I call The Storyteller. 

The girl who has tons to say because she loves to share experiences with others. Sharing stories helps us relate to one another, to realize that we're all really fighting the same battles, despite different faces and different experiences, inwardly our souls are all the same.

We all have a pretty tough time with change, and an even tougher time tackling closure. I've had to do both this summer. 

In my last week in NJ my Nani (mom's mom) passed away. It wasn't a total surprise, but she was healthy just a few weeks/month earlier so it did hit us hard. Why it really hit us all was, because Nani's always been such a central part of our family. Nothing brought her more joy than all her kids and grand kids all in one place, happy together.

My husband shared some simple yet wonderful words with my sisters and me to make us realize how so much is passed on from generation to generation.

'Nana and Nani were the glue that bonded your wonderful khandaan (extended family) together and now you have their memories with which to uphold that bond. Mom is a true embodiment of what Nani has passed down, her nature, her joyous personality and her 'Spartan Warrior' attitude. All of you sisters have a piece of her in you so treasure that and hope to pass on some of that to the next generation.' 

I see it now. One major part of my Nani's personality that anyone can tell you is she made friends effortlessly everywhere she went, never hesitating to help someone even if it was to share tips/stories and fun chatter. Thats just how my mom is, and I suppose thats where my storyteller/extrovert side comes from too.

Thinking of all this, another trait of my mom's that I've inherited is our emotional strength.  A general image of women always shows that we cry easily, that we weakly succumb to our emotions. Not my mom and I. We focus all our energy on what needs to get done and find every means possible to avoid confrontation with how deeply our emotions affect us. I don't like crying publicly, it doesn't mean I'm not scared sad or anxious, I just don't find it productive to spend time crying about something I can't change. Some of my most productive hours are when I'm feeling upset, in fact this entire summer was more productive than many past years have been! 

So the days now when I miss home, mom, Nani, sisters, friends and everything that's familiar to me, I remind myself of the tools my past has given me; a positive upbeat spirit that keeps on keeping on. 

I know I'll make new friends in due time, Nani wouldn't have it any other way. And I know when nostalgia is striking hard I'll find loads of laundry and dirty dishes that need to be tended to. 

The 19 hr drive down from NJ to FL had many moments where I was quiet in my glum thoughts of an amazing past chapter. Most people leave their hometown when they first start college or get married, yet here Iam doing it 5 years into marriage and 2.5 into motherhood. But a part of me was still not ready to let go. Then, we stopped somewhere in Georgia and I got my first real taste of southern sweet tea, it came with some free advice I couldn't help but think my Nani was sharing with me:

Finding Me.

One of the personal goals I had set for myself recently was to get more in touch with my inner self. Marriage, motherhood, a job; they all sort of cloud us with daily responsibilities and as much as that self defines our being so does the self that existed prior to all those roles/duties.

Back at the end of June, in my attempt to rid our place of unnecessary items, I convinced my mom to also empty out her attic so we could do a joint garage sale.The best thing to come out of the sale was that we found many old items brimmed with precious memories.

I felt like a treasure hunter who had uncovered a goldmine in those boxes and boxes of old pictures, flooding back memories of my cheerful childhood. I found old scrapbooks and slam books from middle school, stirring up memories of 7th grade where my best friends and I would pass back and forth a composition book filled with our daily woes. Woes that seem so silly now. The irony will never escape me of how we came upon that past which so quietly sat up in the attic for years, just in time for me to say goodbye. All owed to that useless garage sale, how I owe it so much.

My sister also found my old school agenda books and told me I had a creepy obsession with documenting every single day of my life. Literally, I would write down what we did everyday throughout the summer. I had been doing this on and off since I probably learned how to write in 1st-2nd grade.

It made me realize that I'm someone who truly cherishes memories a lot. I love writing them down, even the daily mundane things we did as a way to capture it. To me, the 'now' was so special I was certain I would come back to it one day in the future and be thankful for everything I wrote down. We all love to glorify the past, in our mind it becomes nothing short of rosy. Memories of high school days, college life and those early years of marriage pre-parenthood; thinking back to those times we're left with a glazed look and a nostalgic grin. What I'm realizing now is that my past, these past 18 years of life in this town has truly been a memory that I will not over glorify, it is a memory I cannot cherish enough!

It's time to say goodbye to a massive chapter in my Life book. Our apartment has been emptied, keys turned over.  Meanwhile, mail has already started arriving at our new address and boxes have been moved in eagerly awaiting their owners. For the past two months I haven't allowed myself to be consumed with the reality of how quickly this chapter was ending. I couldn't deal with it, I had an apartment to pack up, full time job to perform, movers to contact, and a two year old to appease among all these changes. Now, with my IPhone reminder telling me we have 5 days 7 hours and 45 mins until we officially leave NJ I have decided to allow myself to feel reality. 

I'm leaving behind not just my family and close friends who I will severely struggle to live without, I'm leaving behind everything I've ever known. Everything that made me who I am. I'm grateful to have had the past few months to appreciate these 'good old times', to be given the opportunity for closure and experience immense love from so many of the amazing people I am fortunate to call my own. As I  wonder what this next chapter has in store for us, my heart aches for all that I leave behind.

 I know I will march on and so will this place without me. While we will go on living and doing what we do,  I also know both of us will never be the same. Our past is forever intertwined, and so are we.

All images via Google

Words and Boundaries

Things we already know sometimes when realized in a moment of clarity can be so shocking. You may know many things, but  you may not realize them all.

Words once spoken cannot be taken back. You can try and wish them undone, but still your mouth cannot take them back in in nor can they be unheard from your ears. Some words are much better left unsaid and only felt. Other times, words are the only thing lacking and with them everything is complete.

After Wajih left, whenever we spoke to him on the phone I had Ali say " I love you, I miss you!" and being my little perfect parrot he would repeat those words methodically, not really grasping the meaning. A few days later, we attended a family BBQ where Ali got to spend time with his cousins. The kids were in the pool to cool off on an insanely hot day and  per usual, the Dads were in charge to supervise them. Upon seeing everyone with their Daddies, I saw the wheels turn in Ali's adorable 2 year old brain as he turned to me with that look of sadness and concern in his eyes asking "Where's MY Baba? Ammi, where's Ali's Baba?" Ugh. broke my heart. 'Baba is coming back soon baby.' And inshallah he is. (He will be with us for 4th of July weekend and we are beyond excited!) Up until that moment Ali hadn't actually voiced how he missed his father, how he sensed the lack of his presence. Of course it was obvious to me as I  could see the change in his behavior. He knew something was missing from his life, but being a toddler who is still learning his way around words and how to express his emotions he never actually talked about how the lack of his father made him feel. In that moment, I felt his emotions. It was how in his limited toddler capacity, my child was expressing what it is to miss someone you love.

I'm trying hard to teach him how to use words to voice his feelings because it's important to learn how to cope with life experiences the right way. Many people never talk about how they feel because it makes them uncomfortable to break that barrier. It's the mentality of
'if I don't talk about it, it won't be real'. I see many people struggling with their life situations using this method, because while it may help you get by it won't help you get beyond. There's a difference in getting by and getting beyond. Once you do talk about it you are forced to cope with that reality, to accept it and move on. Without ever expression of feelings, you still cope but not always the best way possible, such as with tantrums or displacing the feelings into frustration/anger/depression. I'm still working as best I can to show my young child that its okay to be sad or to miss someone but it's not okay to display that feeling with rage or outside the boundaries of social etiquette.

On a different note, words were recently spoken, ones I wish weren't said. Because now I cannot be unknown to them anymore. I had thought it true all along in my head; but words, they turned that thought to reality. Before they were spoken there was a boundary that now penetrated, changed many things. Overall, it actually changed nothing because the words reflected events occurred in the past, and that past cannot be undone. So these words do nothing but create discomfort now. I'm realizing more with age that while expression is important, not necessarily every emotion or every thought we have need be expressed. If the lack of words is creating misunderstanding then of course they are crucial to bring clarity. Or in Ali's case, if used as a means to express feelings that will be solidified if spoken, then I agree they are necessary. Words spoken or written carry very real power. I am learning the importance of how to handle that power so it is used to strengthen, not weaken.

For someone like me, the hardest is to know when not to use them. It's pretty much a fact that I over speak/write,  and I often worry if this extra chatter leads others to not take me seriously. I wonder if the over speak causes some important words to be left unheard. I'm trying to scale back, it isn't easy for a Chatty Cathy like me. But I do realize we need to know when to allow gestures and actions to display what need not be spoken. Mastering that skill is one I may take my entire life doing. Mostly, I hope to be wise enough to teach Ali this important lesson. Use your words, use them tactfully. many times, the right words can make a world of difference. But many other times, its what you do not say that means everything.

The strange thing about habits

It’s so strange how a habit forms. You start out not being familiar with something at all, it feels awkward and foreign the first time around. Then slowly, without realizing it, you are able to adjust it into your routine. The habit of going to school/work/ waking up next to someone/holding your newborn baby in your arms all bring about the same feeling the first time around. The initial moment of change is an indescribable feeling. Whether it is something good or bad; the only word that comes to mind is ‘Strangeness’. Yet, by the second experience you already can detect the feeling of unfamiliarity/uncertainty leaving you. That's what I'm going through right now.

When we first talked of moving, about Wajih leaving first while I stayed back here with Ali I knew it would be a huge change. I understood that it would not be easy, but a big part of me was just not ready to let go of my life as of that moment, especially not the habit of my routine. So I was entirely on board with the idea of living apart for 3 months heck maybe even 6, while Wajih settled into his new job and became oriented with the new location. In my mind nothing for me was changing in those few months, aside from the difficulty of being distant from my love. But I shrugged it off, thinking all relationships can use some healthy time apart. I could finally enjoy time out with my girlfriends or do some activities alone that I would put off before due to spending all my time with him.

The first two days were just plain strange! I was with my own family, my sisters and parents, yet I felt something was completely a miss. I clung to Ali as taking care of him was the only source of familiarity of life prior to. (Ali on the other hand was loving the little vacay we were having at Nani’s house; he didn’t asked for his father until day 3 or 4). At first I didn't even want to be in my apartment, because it reminded me too much of life before all this. Of weekends where and I got to sleep in, while Ali watched Superman cartoons with his Dad. Of weeknights "you watch him while I cook dinner, then I'll bath him while you clean up' routines which ended in us collapsing on the couch, me falling asleep on his shoulder as we attempted to catch up on TV sitcoms. Sigh, such a boring life we led. Yet, for all those same reasons, my apartment was also the only place I wanted to be; clinging to those moments. Crazy, I know.

Changing habits is hard, but the funny part of human nature is how quickly we adapt. When I first sold off our bookshelf and kitchen table, seeing our place with them missing was so weird. Now it’s as if my eyes have become accustomed to seeing piles of cardboard boxes and the toaster on the kitchen floor is no longer out of place. My only initial concern about this arrangement was how I’d deal with 'single mom life’. However, just two weeks in and Ali and I are bonding amazingly! The meal/bed/bath time routines are somehow seamless. I am even able to quench the “I don’t wanna leave the park” tantrum fairly quickly. ALL BY MYSELF. (Dear God please let me not be speaking too soon). I like to believe it’s the Big guy throwing me a bone while I still figure all this out. But I’m pretty sure it’s my attitude too.

I'm throwing myself in head first with this transition. I am resolved to not let this feeling of strangeness turn me unpleasant or exasperated. I have cleaned, organized, and made more progress on my 'To Do' lists these two weeks than I have in the past many years! I've set goals to do some healthy eating, hardcore exercising, and soul purifying during this phase of my life's new chapter. I realized that if I try to cling to ways of my routine before, it wasn’t long before I'd fall into a severe rut of unhappiness, is so easy to fall into that place when you are faced with a new experience outside of your comfort level. Lucky for me, I keep reminding myself that this is short-term. I am refocusing my emotions toward setting small weekly goals and spending as much time as I can with my parents before I will be a 3 hour plane ride (instead of 3 mins) away :( .

Some great advice I was given: “It is not easy for anyone to adjust to a big move, to become accustomed with a new place takes time. It will be awhile until you are familiar with roads and a different lifestyle but the truth is soon enough that will be your life and everything before it will be just a memory. So enjoy this transition for what it is; the time in between the old and the new.”
 
That advice held so much truth in it.  It reminded me how I got out of 'pre-married life' or 'pre-baby' habits. I had the engagement period before my wedding to transition into that new chapter just the same way 9 months of pregnancy is a transition into motherhood. Its like experiencing the future and the now at the same time. Sort of. The hard truth is,  life as it was isn't coming back. But that doesn't mean what's to come won't be even better. Accept change, accept the initial awkwardness. Set small goals. Take the time to tie up loose ends and say proper goodbyes. Most of all be thankful.

In this short time I realized that one mode I don't want to adjust to.. is life without my best friend. The bathroom is too clean and the fridge is missing a few 100 packs of assorted chocolates.Without you around I waste too much time on Facebook I sleep too late I yell less and eat less (shocker, so it is possible!). And it turns out I can actually throw out the garbage and even killed a bug all by myself. Sigh. I realize I can live without you, but truth be told, I would never ever want to.  

May I never have to live without my best friend unwillingly. And may change always be for the better. Ameen.

For my Girls

Via Pinterest

From articles my friends are sharing on Facebook here and here, to articles that pop up on my Google News Top reads here, this topic of Self Love and especially the effects of social media has been in my face constantly. And when I saw the picture below on my Tumblr dashboard I could no longer avoid talking about this issue that I can’t take my mind off.   

So girls, I fully anticipate that after you read what I'm about to say some of you will complain and talk to friends/sisters/Twitter followers how this random chick with a cheesy blog thinks she’s all high and mighty preaching to others. I am 110% including myself in the previous sentence of being someone who has done that. But what I'm going to say, I beg you to read with an open mind.

Women are by nature extremely kindhearted, emotional and loving/nurturing. But also, they are often keen on perfectionism, organization and competition. To me all those qualities make up a really wonderful person. But most often we women use these positive traits in the wrong way. 

 

The one common factor I’ve seen across all females regardless of culture or age is an incredible ability to protect and care for everyone else we love. But, often we neglect our own self to such an extreme that it becomes self-deprecating. We do this because we want to avoid being selfish but the irony is you MUST to love yourself to truly love another. And loving yourself is not the same thing as being selfish. If you are genuinely content in your existence it improves your attitude in life, which allows you to become a positive force in the lives of everyone else around you.

Due to our nature, we tend to fixate on having all elements of our life be perfect. When the reality is that we and our lives are far from it. All this perfectionism if not handled moderately begins to create an overcritical self-view. I am not saying it's a bad thing to hold yourself to a higher standard and not accept mediocrity, but be wary not to allow this notion to run so wild that it becomes detrimental to your wellbeing. 

Whether it’s physical appearance, academics or personal ability we can get very disparaging and just plain mean with ourselves! Especially when it is something we can’t totally control, it frustrates us even more. The most common mistake we make when frustrated with ourselves is that we become competitive with others. Competition and perfection are both great traits, in moderation. Women in their lack of self-love, take it to the next level.

 

Via Google Image

Time for some damage control: 

Can you truthfully tell me you have never looked at another girl’s Instagram/Tumblr/Twitter/Facebook/Blog picture and felt envious of her: body, kids, vacations, husband, career, home etc? Was that envy heightened and negatively affected you if those pictures were seen in a moment where you were feeling down about your own life? I’m not saying the blame is on social media because it prompts these feelings, I’m also not saying that social media is entirely blameless. I am saying that we control how much we allow it to affect us. It’s natural to feel envy. When you allow that envy to make yourself feel worse about your own life that is wrong. And when you allow that envy to turn into plain ol' evil that is very wrong! Don't allow the success of someone else to damper your own, use it as fuel for inspiration.

Do you like to ‘keep it real’ and be vocal about your honest thoughts about others all the time? Do your truthful words actually help bring any positive change; are they ‘honestly’ worth saying? If you have to wonder if maybe it’d be better to keep your honesty to yourself for the sake of not hurting another person’s feelings then you’re probably right. Even if it isn't hurting another person and it's just for the sake of conversation, all this critical chatter starts accumulating overtime and it affects your mindset and people's perspective of you. It creates a world where we are constantly scrutinizing each other and never celebrating. If someone is rocking an hairdo you aren't crazy for make an effort to ignore it."If you have nothing nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all." On the other hand find every opportunity to compliment something you DO like!

Do you allow life situations to stress you out? So much that you lose sleep or lash out at others in your life? Sometimes others instigate you, but other times it’s really just emotions that get the best of you making the situation worst. You are not your emotions. Your emotions are real and do occur, but they do not control you.  If you need a moment, take it. Breathe. B R E A T H E. it’s something so simple that has such a profound result. And it’s funny how often we forget to do it. 

Do you like watching reality TV, creating a love/hate relationship with characters portrayed? You can’t help but feel normal beside their catty/crazy personalities. Their lavish unattainable/ unsustainable lifestyles at times leave you wishing you had all that and how you’d handle it with less drama no doubt. Enter unhealthy envy, greed, bitterness, frustration with your own less than perfect life and of course judging other people. I used to be a religious Kardashians viewer. I even got hooked on Mob Wives! It was just too much once I truly saw the unconscious effect on my personality. We are lead by media to believe that an empowered woman is vocal about all her thoughts and lets all her emotions be put on display. Suddenly divas, drama queens and b*tches are words women are okay with using to describe themselves. I realized I no longer want media to dictate who I am to be. Not even the person who judges others for choosing to live differently. If something doesn’t agree with you, remove yourself from it.You will respect yourself for it and others will too.

This past December I participated in a hormone/mood study conducted online. For two months we had to keep a daily log of our mood and also any experiences that affected it. During this time the group leader would send out weekly emails with positive messages about being kind with ourselves, and when our emotions were roaring how we should repeat a mental chant of “I am not my emotions, I will not let this defeat me.” 

Personally, keeping the log didn’t show me anything new. (Yes, I’m more sensitive around my period, aren't we all?) What it did was make me more conscious of my actions. Sort like, "yes I have fluctuations in my hormones which affect my emotions. However, I will not allow my emotions to dictate my mood. I will not allow them to define who I am." Keep a personal journal, it promotes self-reflection. After the study ended, I felt besides being more aware of my emotions what really changed me was the moment I decided I needed to change. Half the task of change is realizing when it is necessary.  You won’t change yourself, your attitude, or your outlook until you resolve to do it.

 

It is so easy to fall into a rut of bitter unhappiness; especially with all the stories in the news thrown at us it seems almost impossible to avoid it. Social media plays a big hand in our perspective because of the immense amount of information it provides us with. But before we turn to it to judge, compete or hate, we need to make a promise to ourselves:

We MUST be merciful. 

We MUST accept our flaws and celebrate our victories. 

We must NOT bring down ourselves OR others. 

We must resolve to become promoters of happiness. 

Only another woman knows what it feels like to go through cycles of hormonal change and the pains that come with it. Only another woman truly understands the HOW strongly we feel emotions or the simultaneous joy/fear of motherhood. Only a woman. So then why do we judge, berate and hold malice towards each other? The only way we can teach our young girls about positive self image, respect and love is if we apply it first ourselves.

Via Tumblr

If only we could become aware of the immense amount of power our existence actually holds, we would be able to channel our competitive nature into a craft rather than weapon. Our perfectionism would drive out so much amazing work into this world that there would be no room left for hate, violence, and prejudice. Love yourself, love your sister. We all know the difficulties that come with life, make it easy on yourself and each other. Compliment, encourage, forgive faults and look past grudges. There is so much beauty to be brought into this life, leave no room for anything else.

I leave you with my absolute favorite quote of all time: 

Via Google Image

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