Monday, April 04, 2011

Wary

For as long as I can remember, I have always had this problem. I spend WAY too much time looking into the future. From when I was a little girl I couldn't wait to be an older girl like my sisters so that I'd be able to hang around with them when they'd spend time with their friends talking about older girl stuff. I couldn't wait to be in high school then it was college, then it was in the workforce.And I definitely spent a whole heck of a lot of time daydreaming about who I'd marry, how lovely our story would be and then of course I looked forward to children a lot too.  Alhumdulillah I have it all now. I think being so fixated on the future helped me, it helped me reach the goals I wanted to achieve and certainly kept me away from a lot of time wasting activities (drugs, dating, stupidity). But somewhere along the line, my irrational obsession with always being focused on the future turned negative. In the past few years, I'm not sure why but I've become so pessimistic about the future. I think I've always been a worrier, but recently it's just spiraled out of hand. I guess its because before when I wasn't married it was just me and God, and our conversations. And when you're talking to God, divine inspiration fills your soul ridding you of all that pessimism. Nowadays, its as if I only focus on what's wrong in the picture rather than what's right. I think its may also have to do with the fact that my significant other is so positive about every single thing that that I have turned into the negative one in the relationship, just to make him see that things aren't always rosy. But, I'm doing it so much that I've made everything seem not rosy at all! That's what happens with husbands and wives I think. We don't even intend on disagreeing but somehow just do it so often. But you have to step back and say no, I am not going to turn into this person. I can't say I'm unhappy all the time, I'm not. and I certainly don't have a lot to be unhappy about. But for some reason I've become much more of a cynic than I was. And I wish that would change. 
Post a Comment